That's a tough one to be sure. I guess my question is do you think you will gain anything by postponing the D? Or is it just going to make things uglier between you and W?
I think if I don't handle it well it will get ugly. I may just tell her I need a couple of more months to "let go," she may understand that.
I just feel like I have a better chance of reconciling if I am still married even if things are a bit ugly. I have been doing everything right as far as 180's and detaching. I do feel like if I postpone things she may get her head out of the fog and start to notice at some point.
Hadrianus, I am going through a similar question. While I am not being given 90 days for the divorce, I am being given similar timelimit to sell or purchase off the W the house, investment property and new car. My view, trying to hold onto these items to postpone the divorce is simply not going to work. I think she will continue to not love me just as much as she does now. But, if I do sell/buy the assets now (or in the next 2 months) then, and it is a small then, maybe her emotion might change to be more than non-loving. Why hold off something for zero chance of making a difference. My wife is going to either decide to divorce me or reconcile sometime down the track, selling or not selling the assets will not make her change her mind at all.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
I think if I don't handle it well it will get ugly. I may just tell her I need a couple of more months to "let go," she may understand that.
I just feel like I have a better chance of reconciling if I am still married even if things are a bit ugly. I have been doing everything right as far as 180's and detaching. I do feel like if I postpone things she may get her head out of the fog and start to notice at some point.
I tend to agree with our Aussie friend that dragging things out is not going to buy you any points with W. But if you think that you can address it to your W in a way that doesn't make her angry, then I don't see any harm. You might present it to your W in such a way that she feels like part of the decision rather than you "forcing" it on her though. IE, discuss it with her and ask her how she feels about postponing it, tell her you could use the time to help you detach and accept things but that you want to know what she thinks/ feels about it.
hotwheels and anotherstander, thanks for the feedback. I think I will try to make her part of the decision. Not sure if I should do it now or wait until she brings it up.
Just an update. I told the W I need an additional 90 days and she was understanding and agreed. Perhaps it was my imagination, but she almost seemed relieved. I still don't think she is having second thoughts about the divorce though.
She is moving out in two weeks. Now that some of the tension is gone, should I start spending a bit more time with her or should I continue to distance? I will of course continue with the 180's (which are no longer for her, but for me!)
Just an update. I told the W I need an additional 90 days and she was understanding and agreed. Perhaps it was my imagination, but she almost seemed relieved. I still don't think she is having second thoughts about the divorce though.
Try not to read anything into it, but be happy you have another 90 days.
Originally Posted By: hadrianus
She is moving out in two weeks. Now that some of the tension is gone, should I start spending a bit more time with her or should I continue to distance? I will of course continue with the 180's (which are no longer for her, but for me!)
Continue the distance. That was the hardest thing for me to do, both while H was living with me and in the start of the S. It really flies in the face of everything your gut is telling you to do. Especially since my H's complaint was that I was not as attentive as he would have liked. But, WAS sees it as pressure. The key is to be pleasant and kind in the interactions. Bring up no R talks, no future talks, no feelings. It's really hard, but it is the best thing. The last week H was in the house was one of our best since BD. There was no real R talk, unless he brought it up and I just listened. No fighting, because he was moving out. Let your W be the guide of time spent together.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Thanks Tallula. Your post probably saved me from backsliding tonight. It seems that we are finally at a point where she seems willing to discuss the relationship and my gut tells me I should, but I have learned not to trust my gut in this process. I'll keep distancing.
One thing that concerns me is that she is the most stubborn person I have ever met. I think even if she realizes she made a mistake she will never back off her decision. I guess I'll just have to see what happens.
Also, I found a condom in her stuff yesterday, so I would assume she is sleeping with another guy which I guess is okay since we are separated. I can't say I'm too upset as I had a short rebound/distraction fling too (a mistake in hindsight). Not sure if this changes anything as far as my strategy.
Thanks Tallula. Your post probably saved me from backsliding tonight. It seems that we are finally at a point where she seems willing to discuss the relationship and my gut tells me I should, but I have learned not to trust my gut in this process. I'll keep distancing.
IF your W brings up the R, by all means, listen to her. Validate her feelings. Really listen. Keep your feelings to a minimum. She knows you want to save the M. The best R talks H and I have had recently have been because I just listen. If he asks how I feel, which he does, I say it. Or say I'll have to think about that.
Originally Posted By: hadrianus
One thing that concerns me is that she is the most stubborn person I have ever met. I think even if she realizes she made a mistake she will never back off her decision. I guess I'll just have to see what happens.
Yes, you will. Don't let these negative thoughts get you. You have NO IDEA what she will do. If you focus on what you will do, GALs 180s, you will think less and less about your S and what they are/will do. Try to keep pulling yourself in to right now.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Oh, I just wanted to make it clear...SHE can bring up R. Not you. Don't bring it up.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
