Finally getting it after three months...

[jp787]

WHEN are you going to start? How are the GAL activities?

I have, yet I need to do more. I spend most of my time at home with the girls with the exception of going to the gym. I hate not being at home when the girls are home, yet I need to take small outings for myself.

Act as if... Wow I applaud all of you who can do this, I just can't yet and idk how to get there. I am seriously obsessed with my wife and cant budge from it emotionally.
[quote=25yearsmlc]

okay, then give up...OR LEARN HOW TO "BUDGE" FROM IT...if you don't change, then nothing will change. You need new tools. (Check out the workshop "Essential Experience" Or "Lifespring", which is a distant second, but way better than once a week sessions of therapy. (THey have websites--check out EE b/c 4 other DBers have gone, and all got a lot of clarity from it).

I am trying to budge…
Cannot afford to go to either I live too far away.

Even if you have a good IC (and I hope you do) or therapist, I found it fragmented b/c I'd have a breakthrough and then need to go back to work or to my kids. For me it's more efficient to do workshops. My h felt the same and mind you, I had a good t. I really liked her. But like I said, it was "fragmented."

Just ended with another T and looking for one who uses A.C.T. Hard to find one I like.

Workshops help you learn new behaviors and stop the old ones. If they are "experiential" you won't be able to rehearse or edit your responses.


You have to "get this" asap. You need new positive ways of acting/reacting b/c you'll revert to what you know in times of crisis, even if it's what you know NOT to do.

Make sense?

Yes and I have a lifetime of bad patterns to rewire.

Period. It starts with you. You take the first step, and the second, and the next 100...

until your consistent changes + sufficient time = change she can believe in.

Understood.

I get it intellectually, but emotionally I am a mess. I dont know how to be OK with out her, I base everything on her being by my side and have for over 20 years. What a mess I am in.

I don't believe this^^. You mistreated her quite a lot, per your description.

Yes I did. I used her to make myself feel safe and abused her from my issues, I failed her.

So, you didn't value her happiness then. Are you saying you don't know how to be happy on your own, period?

Yes, I think so.

So if she died, you'd die? You'd curl up in a fetal position and give up? What would you model for your d's?

To be honest it would be easier to deal with a death, not that that is what I want at all. That sounds horrible…

After some time, wouldn't you learn to live again? What would that look like?

I would hope so, but I cant see that now, I guess I need to start looking.

Being apart from your w, but being happy.. imagine it in detail and describe it, and really give it thought. Now, please...

I will work on this one.

Any New hobbies? Are you taking a class or learning a new language? What would you do if you HAD to be happy, for your daughter's sake? What about travelling, any new friends, a sport or new friends? What would GAL look like?

This is something I need to do, especially make new friends. That is a challenge for me as I don’t feel I know how. I haven’t been social since HS and it was hard then.

Would you show your d's that without a certain someone in THEIR lives, they must give up and die? KNOW that They are watching you.

What kind of legacy do you want to leave them?

A legacy of your bad treatment of their mother (as their only memory of marriage), you being deserted because of it, and then what? You sitting on the lawn and sighing as if nothing is in your control b/c "the odds/OTHER stories are all so hopeless"....what a poor example for your children and what a way to NOT Live...


Why not show them (& you) a legacy of personal growth/redemption?

Learn & show the value of bravely looking within, being humbled by our flaws, finding the courage it takes to change those flaws, along with the value of redemption and commitment and love...

What about that ^^ legacy? Let's get on it.
NOW, what of those ^^ things can you do, in your life now?

Thank you for the pushing, I need it.
Thank you for taking so much time responding to me, I really do appreciate it!