Looking for a little advice and support

[AnotherStander]

Thanks AS!
I have read a lot of your posts on here and you have some great advice.

Thank you, glad to help

I know she notices the changes, but she just isn't ready to trust again.

Quite right, it probably took her months or years to build a wall around her emotions and it's not going to come down quickly or easily. It'll come down like it went up- one brick at a time.

Him and his wife are one of the couples that head up retroV here. He knows everything and has said the only chance to get her to retroV in march is to give her the space now and immediately and let her start second guessing if she really wants this.

He is right about that although I'm doubtful a month is enough time for her to second guess things. In my case it was over 6 months from BD before W was ready for RV, and in retrospect I still think that was too soon.

I told him my biggest fear is pulling a 180 and becoming the best man I can be and her not changing at all and me not wanting to be with her anymore. His response, "that is the most selfish thing I have heard. For the last 2 years she has put up with the worst of you as now you become the best you can be and you don't give her a chance to change. That's selfish"

I'm not sure that was a fair statement on his part, because you did say it was a "fear" of yours. IE, it's something you're scared of and that you don't want to happen. A selfish statement might be something like "I want to be the best man I can be so that I don't want her anymore".

Been a wierd couple of days. W is out of town at a horse show and hasn't called our son once since Thursday night. I haven't texted her one time to ask why or anything else. Honestly, I feel better not talking to her at all

My W got more sporadic with contact after BD and it's been that way ever since. I think after BD the WAS feels like they don't need to try anymore, so they quit reaching out through phone and text.