holy cow - are you right about being several people who "are not the real you" to several hims that are not the real him.
thisi s the kind of feeling that does make me believe mwd and her books and philosophy that they are immersed in some sort of insanity. and that is truly what it seems to me- like schizophrenia or anything else that renders a person totally not themselves (had a bit of experience with this in real life) - SO IT SCARES the pants off me- dealing with people's minds that are sick.
it truly still is hard form e to deal with- most ofme sees them as who they (are) were - and deals like that. another part realizes it's not them at all- and i go ahead like you and act as i 'THINK i shoudl be". this crap of having "strategy" is a kller- it exhausts me because sometimes i then rethink and rethink what he said- what i said, etc.
i am (1.75 yr or so after finding out REALLY the truth of my sitch (after years of wondering what is going on with him but thinking he was "true" ) - - and what is really going on with my h (ow, etc) and just feeling a bit better in general - in the days about not feeling the excruciating pain allll the time - of the betrayal, etc. - sometimes i do feel detached and it's good - my own take is that mentall we become too exhausted to "fight it" any more. hence the acceptance and, what? i'm not so sure about total detachment because then we wouldn't be here doing this - or trying like mad anyway. ANYWAY- i sure appreciate your disgust and thinking and thinknig about how your h will wake up someday with regrets -
i can't even believe it - i think maybe it's like (them) waking up from a dream and the dream disappears. that the torture is all our pain - and they just forget it because it wasn't them feeling it - the really bad stuff. i could be wrong- everyone says our h's are in pain. maybe they are- i don't have faith in their sensitivity in general. to be able to inflict this all on someone that loves them- well, it says something big abuot their heart i guess. oh well- someday i'll find out what the real bottom line is- until then -
i dread "the end" ; i dread it staying like this; and i don't seem to have any realistic hope for my old h "coming back" - then i wonder about my own sanity or intelligence and lack of backbone - (it's the old - wake up- take a stand woman - right or wrong- DO SOMETHING.) so far -ihaven't except this.
you sound stronger today about this- isn't it amazing and sad and creepy the things we "swallow" and move past - well, deal with or contemplate dealing with. i am continually amazed - and probably shouldn't be.
your h sounds like mine - i act and react the same alot of the time- i hate myself sometimes for not being more 'straight" - it's something i like about myself - kind but honest. i guess the case for their "confusion" that mwd says is overriding inmlc - it's alot to assume or be asked to assume - that they truly don't know what they're doing or what they want.
I get the feeling that depending on what my h is doing or planning to do - he checks in and is nice to (what?) see if i'm firmly in place in his life so he can go do whatever and feel "secure" about me being there - where i always am?
i don't honestly know which is better - to notpick up the phone and let him wonder - or be the "lighthouse" if he wants to come back - per dawnmarie (btw - you should go look at her posts - she's my good buddy- has an amazinghly wieird scene going on - displaying amazing strength of spirit & sanity coping- it continually suprises and fortifies me to hear you and her and everyone moving thru their own journeys here- all loaded with pain and confusion and insanityu (and a heck of alot of injustice) at the hands of some misguided - selfish nutball (my h for one).
anyway i continue to be the lighthouse here- somedays i want to just shut the lite off- some how my gut says leave it on one more day. i honestly do not know ifi'm right or wrong- flying blind like this really makes me wonder about humannature and my own brain alot- yet i blindly continue forward with it- i don't even feel big hope about it- i don't feel too much faith anymore in this guy even being a good person- i just am becoming as confused as he apparently is.
question is- at the endf of the day- will there be two new people in our respective places that want toknow orlove or have anything to do with that other different person.
that is how i feel-old guy is dead (or who i thought he ws) somehow lovely memories & ties exist - can't seem to cut them just now- don't know if they are shackling me to an old dream & dead (big) bird here- have not one clue of how it WILL REALLY turn out-
yet, lplunging forward like it or not
hang in there- ((((( ))))) wish i coul be around and extend a comraderly hug in person- i have never -
