Sorry i was mia yesterday- Oh Geez , what hel_ your not-h puts you thru. I cannot even imagine how you must feel- being mixed up in such craziness. i can't imagine putting on his shoes and actually asking you to take part in it all. and thinking it's all normal life for him- somehow to be involved in this drama . like living in a movie or something.
Asking if she could stay??? telling you what he has planned and thinking of fighting!!!! i guess it's the excitement of that dopey other kind of life - it's not his life, so he can findd it entertaining to participate??? to ch oose to particiapte? what in the world kind of appeal would that have stacked up against a happy cozy family & home? i absolutely cannot relate on any level.
you have such strength of character to hold yourself and your fam together and respond as you do - lucidly and with conviction.
i think you were absolutely correct to not participate. i don't see how you could save him from this mess of his own concoction if you wanted to. i think you called it for sure that he used you to stop him- wonder then, how he explains to ow- my mom wouldn't let me go out last nite or i'd be grounded? wtf can he be thinking- i know, not thining really lucidly is he. g osh- your sitch is soooo hard to endure thru- wonder where it all will end - for all of us - particularly with your h.
maybe he'll "scare himself straight" with this intrigue?
i want to also jump in and say i feel like it too sometimes that i'm this "mom" and he expects me to look at him and praise his good points or actions- or look on fondly while he does and is whatever it is he thinks he is.
i'm thinking more and more he is just a selfish and not very nice man. i'm very very big on nice and kind in life- might be the most important thigns around in a character -
i find it sooooo unappealing to see this man i thought was worthy of love and respect acting , well, just plain old like a teenage girl. take it back - my 14 yr oldneice is more mature. what the heck is this junk? we don't get to go back and just wallow and be young again- some portions of our youth were taken away or marred with tragedy or whatever went on- everyone alive has some of it- what in the world makes these guys entitled to all of a sudden stop and dive back into being babies? i can't imagine a more depressing job thatn being a psychiatrist. honestly-
and to have the nerve to call it love (if only in writing to ow) (in which notes he can sling it around like mad- but in real life can hardly formulate the words.
how could they conceal for so long such wierd little stuff inside them (our not-h's ? and how could we not know- is it because nothign like tht exists in us- so how would we recognize it? or what?
your movies sound good - good that you can let them "take you away" a bit and be entertained. i still find it impossible to watch anyone's "pain" - real or imaginary about this stuff. tears me up too much- i can manage if i can keep myself detached and numb inside- once my emotions get involved- ker blat- i want to blubber & fold and get "fogged out". i can watch no-mind tv - and stay distractedenough.
oh well huh? i feel badly that i "wasn't around" last nite or yesterday. just non stop activityes for the entire day- that in and of itself is odd. it was okay - half of it was me gal - of a pitiful sort. oh well-
anyway- hope you're hanging in there okay today. what a few days for you- all that gang junk is soo scary- i'm not actually a country girl- but not a big city girl either. hope you got some sleep last nite also -
((((((((((( ))))))))))))) i wishi had some wise and comforting things to say that actually could make some difference -
I'll be thinking about you all day and sending up some little prayers that you're making it thru this new insanity your h has going on. man- what crazy junk to inject into your life - one thing to choose it for himself- another to be wanting to drag you into his wacky world. keep strong-
