Running on Fumes

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Portia,

I thought I would check up on you. Wow, your sitch is very similiar to mine in some ways. I would say try NOT to worry about the fact he has been cruel/selfish/detached/heartless etc.. all the HOW CAN HE? Yes I know, I endlessly worried about the same.. but once my H was out the other side, it really was like a flicked switch and suddenly, the old caring H was back (then bf of course). It took him a long time to come up with any explanation and I never got complete answers, but in the end he concluded that he had had some sort of breakdown, that he couldnt put his mind now into his mind then or work out how he had acted that way, or what he was thinking. That generally it was about self-preservation (and this is true of your chap I feel).. just that it was something he had to do, to withdraw and close down, or off to the people closest to him. And that ultimately, it took him a long while to realise he had in fact loved me all along. (In my sitch he was adamant he didnt love me anymore and gave no indication of this the whole 18 months we were apart, not even a peck on the cheek etc).

For now, what worked for me..
I would say definitely DONT ask him about his counselling session. Behave as though you are a friend, a very best friend, but not one that would pry and ask, so how was your C session? (would you ask a male friend this?)

Always be there for him when he contacts you. Dont worry about trying to be out, or make him wonder, or make him jealous. He's not going to respond to that. It would probably just make him feel more down and negative.

Listen and validate... very important. I couldnt believe how often my ex would call, sometimes every day and like you yes up to an hour and most of the conversation about himself (its so bizarre isnt it?) but I just went with it and listened. I let him talk. I made helpful but neutral noises. I didnt try and tell him what to do or offer advice/solutions as you say.

I kept myself upbeat.. so matter how bad or low I felt, I never told him or showed him (I thought I didnt but he later told me that he could tell!) but I tried anyway! The phrase is.. dont put your emotions onto them. You have lost the right to that emotional connection. So whilst he can splurge and moan all he wants, you cant of course...whilst you are still willing to DB and some people would walk away right and move on, but thats not what you have decided to do so..

Make sure you have some things to show or tell him that capture the spirit of the girl he fell in love with. For me, it was getting healthy, getting out more again, socialising, listening to music... I had grown complacent in my sitch and due to some of my own troubles, I had become very stay at home. My husbands depression couldnt cope with this I feel and it wasnt making him happy. He is a very sociable person. I am too, but I had lost sight of that.

SO what can you do to just quietly and gently (but so that he subtley notices) be again the girl he fell in love with? I know thats going back a long way! 18 years! Or more recent, but you get my gist.

I apologise that this message is fast and I havent read all your sitch but keep doing what you are doing. Its great that he is calling you. Be his friend, that was the advice I got, be a CONSISTENT place that he can turn to. Always be there, listen, validate, be KIND to him. Be someone he can trust. Resist the urge to worry that you are being a mug.. conventional wisdom says that you are, but DBing is about acting counter-intuitively.

Try not to listen to peeps in RL who may urge you to do x y z, whereas you have chosen to handle this break up differently.

Lastly, have you had a session with the DB counsellors? Its expensive but it really really helped me at a time when I felt stuck and not sure which way to turn.

Good luck !!
Al x