BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
Haven't checked in in a while. I've been busy with working, kids, taxes, life! I'd say things are going ok. Not great, but ok. H and I have made some progress and I am very happy with our new therapist. I am getting to the point where I can start to recognize my own patterns which will help me to change them in the lOng run.
My job is probably going to be ending soon, which isn't great from a financial perspective but good from a "getting my life together" perspective. I stil haven't found enough time for me, but I guess that's part of what you sign up for when you have kids. The finances should work out ok. H has a lot of good projects going so one of them should pay out.
I am still trying to work through a lot of my resentment towards H. That seems to be one of my biggest stumbling blocks - just trying to get past all of that. I am sure he is struggling with similar stuff. In MC he said that none of the communication stuff matters, it's really about the infidelity for him. The therapist and I both jumped on that because what H still doesn't fully realize is that there was a lot that led up to the choices I made.
Anyway, we are on a family ski trip this weekend and before H went to sleep he said he was glad we were all together and he didn't take it for granted. All good stuff.
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
With regards to the resentment, I hope you are exploring true forgiveness. It's difficult, but this is something you can do on your own and it is so worth it.
On your H's side, I think establishing trust again is going to be key, so I'd explore what he needs for that to increase over time. There's no short-cutting it, but for me, a lot of small, simple things help...communicating the schedule, communicating changes in plans, coming home when she says, etc. You probably should discuss transparency for both of you if you haven't already.
Keep up the good work...it sounds like things are progressing. It's a long road, but at least you are walking it together now. And stay in touch!
It looks like each of you have one big issue that you will need to work through to get to a better place. I hope that your H continues to go and doesn't get frustrated.
I'm glad that he is thankful that you are all together and doesn't take that for granted. Have fun on your ski trip.
I get the resentment. I am trying to work through some of that as well. I am being forgiving, at least as much as I can right now.
M44 H57 D17 (special needs) M 18 yrs Bomb 7/2/12 Still living together
Ah, resentment. I'm definitely being tested on this. On the 2nd day of the ski trip, H wiped out and actually broke a rib. Not fun. That left me to ski with both of the boys, which was challenging but mostly great up until we hit a complete and utter breaking point.
We were trying to get on a 2 person lift. My older son was going alone. The operator didn't slow the lift down. S9 lost a ski. Operator got distracted. I was trying to get on with S6. S6 didn't quite make it (they need help at that age). S6 fell off, I was stuck on. S9 was one chair ahead of me with one ski. S6 rode up with a very nice lady. As we're riding up, S9 tells me he has to go to the bathroom. So once we're all settled, we head for the lodge so he can go but he doesn't make it and has an EPIC blowout. Luckily it was late in the day by this time, but it was a gigantic foul smelling mess that I had to deal with alone because of H's broken rib.
Basically, I've been doing 100% of everything for the past 3 days, including packing, driving, hauling luggage, unpacking, shopping, cooking, washing dishes, laundry... etc. Now granted H can't really do much because he's pretty laid up, and I don't expect him to do anything. But when I asked him to help with the boys - just direct them, manage them - so I could put away groceries and make dinner - he was snotty about it. His response to my request was "Right." As if I shouldn't be asking him to do ANYTHING. Finally I think he recognized that I've been doing a whole lot without complaint, but he's not very conciliatory or apologetic, and barely appreciative.
Now, he's fast asleep, snoring loudly... I am back in the den, voluntarily this time! I can't take the snoring!!!! It was starting to get better but now that he's injured I can't exactly demand that he sleep in here or roll over or whatever.
But back to my original comment - this is definitely testing my patience and resentment meter. Especially the hideous snoring. That especially gets under my skin because it's been a problem for 15 years that he refuses to address.
Breakdown, to address your comment about trust, there was never a trust issue on stuff like coming home on time or communication. At least I don't think there was. Normally I am as reliable as a German train. I do not flake, I do run late but always call when that happens. A lot of the trust stuff was there (on his side) before any EA. I remember one time, years before any of this, when I went out to dinner with my boss and her boss. It was getting kind of late, maybe 10:30 or so and H calls me and is furious that I didn't check in. He had never done anything like that before and I think it was because he felt threatened by the "big boss" who happened to be incredibly handsome and who I totally idolized.
Also, not to change the subject, but worth a mention, 3 tall, cute, young and probably drunk snowboarders attempted to hit on me in the hotel. Kind of hilarious, but I was flattered just the same.
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
Basically, I've been doing 100% of everything for the past 3 days, including packing, driving, hauling luggage, unpacking, shopping, cooking, washing dishes, laundry... etc. Now granted H can't really do much because he's pretty laid up, and I don't expect him to do anything. But when I asked him to help with the boys - just direct them, manage them - so I could put away groceries and make dinner - he was snotty about it. His response to my request was "Right."
Didn't we talk about "how things are said" a while back? Did you say, "honey, I know you are hurting, but do you think you could direct the boys for a little bit so I can work on dinner for us?" Or did all your frustration come out and fall on your H?
With regards to the snoring, I like SS's idea of recording it.
