this is a sad situation indeed. I hear you when you say you don't want to throw away a 40 y/marriage. And that at times, things are decent between you.
But sweetie, he was a serial cheater, and continued to cheat even when saying he was not any more.
I ASSUME/LIKE TO THINK he's cut down on it, but truly, I think he'd be totally transparent now if all the OWs were gone.
And the lack of empathy, the inconsistent concerns about YOU and his inconsistent treatment of you are signs that he's also quite self centered.
If you "resist" or want anything from him beyond what HE feels like giving, he blames you or lashes out and says you "stay in the past", which is the defense an unrepentant man uses.
I see the gesture of going to the eclipse as a gesture...
Look TT, SOME women and a few men are willing to tolerate continuous affairs as long as the affairs are not in their face.
I'm not one of those people but they exist. I won't judge you if you are one of those women, but I think if you are, do it with your eyes open. Own it.
I say this b/c I think you're telling us in effect, you have little chance of "getting him to stop" and you have almost no chance of KNOWING if he has stopped (b/c he won't be transparent).
So really the issue to ME is whether living like this is alright with you...or "alright ENOUGH" to go on, taking the good times for what they are, and pretending he's deployed to Afghanistan when he's not at home...
I won't tell you what to do or not to do. But I hope you'll see a lawyer JUST IN CASE he meets an OW who would like to live with him or for whom he has stronger feelings...
or to see if marital funds are safe. What would happen to you, financially,
if you divorced?
Can you at least protect yourself or get some knowledge from a legal consult?
You do NOT have to tell your h of this. But knowledge is power. I found that knowing my rights was empowering
and then I didn't feel "trapped" in my m.
But I CHOSE to stay married -for a time- for the kids, and then after MY awakening, things got better. My h had an awakening of his own.
IF things did not improve, fast, I'd never have reconciled.
You have some tough choices to make TT. I don't think the choices are as complicated as you're making them out to be, but they are still quite difficult choices to make. I really feel for you.
