Super quick summary: My journey has taken about 3 years. My H expressed that he could not commit to the M and wanted to see "what else was out there." He was happy but not at the "10 level." He was curious what it was like to be with other women. I DB'ed and also tried what most people try when their M is in trouble: bought books, tried to talk about the issues, tried to find solutions to the problems, tried to reason with my H. Nothing worked.
He eventually had an EA that turned into a PA. The whole thing lasted 6 months. Even though my bottom line was a PA, I insisted on saving the M after I learned the truth, but there was a lot of pain. He moved out a little over a year ago after saying that he loved me but still had the urge to be with other women. I DB'ed again. Nothing worked. He filed for D on 9/25/12. I thought I would give up, but every time we saw each other, my H was very affectionate (more than affectionate.) He would disappear and then contact me and want to spend time with me. He mentioned being confused and not knowing if he was doing the right thing. This happened all the way through 1/31/12. That day, I asked him whether we should delay the D, but he said he still wanted to "explore." He didn't want to have to answer to anyone. He wanted a D.
So here I am, in the midst of negotiating the D agreement with my H. But I've found renewed peace and strength. I'm writing a book that I hope helps a lot of people who are going through or will go through something similar.
Hugs Tori!!! I am happy that you are in a place of calm and peace. Pain is relative lol, I thought I knew about heart break and now I know about it a little better. You are a much stronger lady for the stance you've taken and the risk you've taken to be hurt over and over. It would have been much easier to walk away and give the middle finger to your H, blaming him for everything. You have shown wisdom and maturity which is often lacking in these situations, I for one am proud of your efforts.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
Subguy, thank you for your amazing and uplifting words. I've grown and learned a lot, and can't wait to continue helping others lead happy lives regardless of the outcome of their sitchs. I'm still on a high after the conference. It was amazing.
I'll do all my research prior to my meeting with my H on Friday. Will need your positive thoughts and encouragement for that!
We really don't know how long our journey's are do we? I am glad you are still here :-)
You sound like you are in a good place. And I echo subguy, you have shown so much wisdom and maturity. You have a real insight into what matters and what it means to love.
Love you Tori (((((( ))))))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I got a new challenge today--good opportunity to practice what I'm preaching in my book. One of my friends (FB friends with my H) emailed me to say she was "Sorry about the FB pictures." I had no idea what she was talking about bc I'm not FB friends with him, so I got my mom's help to check (she's still FB friends with him.) And yes, his new "GF" had posted pictures of their romantic dinner of valentine's day. The old me would've been devastated. The new me still experienced anger, but I was able to let it go fast, and the episode didn't ruin my day. After all, I don't want to relinquish control of my life to my H's antics. This will be one of many more women to come. I told my friend I didn't need to know of any future postings bc I wasn't his FB friend.
I emailed him and said that out of respect, I would appreciate it if he didn't post pictures of his GF's until after the D. He hasn't replied yet, and I don't expect a reply. I'm sure he's in a bind, bc if he asks the woman to not post pictures, she'll question whether he is really available or not. I think he'll just continue letting her post pictures. He might just defriend my friend or hide his postings from her or something like that.
I am glad that the new man that my H is will be out of my life soon. His presence in my life is limiting my potential. The man I married was gone when the A happened, and now I understand how this D is the best thing to happen based on who he is now.
Heya Tori, Long time no post for me. I have to admit I experienced a sigh of relief to see you started another thread. We will all listen with what you have to say.
In getting caught up with you and how your handling the sich I am still impressed with the integrity you display. At the same time that only highlights how much your H is missing out; and how you will know what kind of future R you deserve (and will get).
Ps. I would like to preorder a copy of your book; and I expect to be signed.
Tori, you really keep me grounded and thinking. If I can handle my sitch with a smidge of the grace you have handled yours recently, I will consider it successful.
I love that you emailed him about the pic. When we realize that someone limits who we are supposed to be, it is truly time to let go
We are coming to book launch...but not in winter lol!!
Andrew, so good to have you back. Thank you for the encouraging words. Of course I'll sign your copy of the book. FY wants his with a lipstick kiss and Busting wants a smiley face. Any special requests from you? :-)
Ruby, I'm staying close to God and to my true self. Today was tough to keep the "all love" attitude, but all I had to do was to look at the picture I had taken on Saturday with Wayne D. and I remembered to let go of the negative feelings. You'll also get a special copy of my book. :-)
Chatterbug, I just saw your post. I think you're out of moderation. I tried to find your thread but couldn't find it, though. Anyway, to answer your Q, last time I saw him was a couple of days prior to his b-day (2/7) Since then, we've emailed a few times, including on his b-day and on valentine's day, and talked on Friday right after he received the D agreement. Besides my email today about the FB pictures, I don't think I'll have any more contact until Friday. I've got to say that the pictures don't make me want to be very generous when it comes down to the negotiation process, so I'll have to work on letting go of those feelings during the next few days...
Hi, Tori, I too was glad to see you start a new thread. I feel like not only are you an inspiration to so many of us here but that you offer me so much relevance and truth to my sitch. So, thank you.
GOod luck on your negotiations on Friday. I know you will be strong. Remember your bottom line. I don't worry about your approach to your H, b/c you know him through and through and what will be the best way to handle this successfully.
New things happening w me, so visit me on my thread!
(((((HUGS)))))
PS When is this COLD going to stop!!??
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
