Finally getting it after three months...

[25yearsmlc]

I just got the 5 Languages Of Love and The Happiness Trap. Starting with the happiness trap today, looks like a good book.

First things first. READ the books. Process the information in them. Take it in.

Don't keep second guessing and paralyzing yourself; it's the worst thing you can do in this situation. It's not attractive for one thing, and it's totally counter productive as well. It's destructive to obsess & look for ways to give up hope.

IS that b/c it's easier to cave in and give up, and too hard to change yourself?

Dig deep. Find out if you have what it takes to make serious core changes in YOU. If not, then own that & don't blame meaningless statistics.

Begin making them. Forget OM. I mean it, forget him. He's not the father of your d's, and he's NOT in your w's life.


After the first chapter I fear that the only way I will get through this is to accept the fact that I may loss my marriage to my wife, yet I can be ok.

Enough of the FEAR. Yes you may lose your wife. You will survive that, & more.

You may also discover that becoming the man your wife always wanted you to be, the best you, and a loving father who is involved with his d's, is the way back to her heart.

It surely will not hurt anything.

Imagine the worst for a minute--that she leaves with some OM...what's likely to happen IF YOU become the man you need to be?

Imo, there's NO way a woman who once loved her h deeply, and then is hurt by his misbehavior & over quite some time...but finally sees real change in him,

won't look back and wonder..."What if I gave him another chance?"

And when that happens, you will be THE MAN she needs/wants and those doubts will grow in her, about the choice to leave.

Every time OM makes a mistake, she'll wonder about her choice. Every time the OM's children express sadness or anger at HER, she'll second guess her choice.

Every time she sees HER children, feeling pulled, she will feel torn and second guess her choice. Don't give her a reason to NOT second guess them.

Give her a lot to second guess, b/c you are a changed man. You are the man she wants/needs...

now, your job is to make that^^ true.

The problem is I am still at I refuse to accept that I can loose my marriage and wife, it would be easier to cut off my left arm above the elbow with a rusty hack saw. So I guess I have some serious work to do.

you "guess"? No, you KNOW you have some serious work to do.

WHEN are you going to start? How are the GAL activities?


Act as if... Wow I applaud all of you who can do this, I just can't yet and idk how to get there. I am seriously obsessed with my wife and cant budge from it emotionally.

okay, then give up...OR LEARN HOW TO "BUDGE" FROM IT...if you don't change, then nothing will change. You need new tools. (Check out the workshop "Essential Experience" Or "Lifespring", which is a distant second, but way better than once a week sessions of therapy. (THey have websites--check out EE b/c 4 other DBers have gone, and all got a lot of clarity from it).

Even if you have a good IC (and I hope you do) or therapist, I found it fragmented b/c I'd have a breakthrough and then need to go back to work or to my kids. For me it's more efficient to do workshops. My h felt the same and mind you, I had a good t. I really liked her. But like I said, it was "fragmented."

Workshops help you learn new behaviors and stop the old ones. If they are "experiential" you won't be able to rehearse or edit your responses.

You have to "get this" asap. You need new positive ways of acting/reacting b/c you'll revert to what you know in times of crisis, even if it's what you know NOT to do.

Make sense?

Period. It starts with you. You take the first step, and the second, and the next 100...

until your consistent changes + sufficient time = change she can believe in.

Later I'll post a letter to a h from a WAW. Her h cannot believe that his w won't return to him, since he has made changes...

you may find some things in it to learn from.

I get it intellectually, but emotionally I am a mess. I dont know who to be OK with out her, I base everything on her being by my side and have for over 20 years. What a mess I am in.

I don't believe this^^. You mistreated her quite a lot, per your description.

So, you didn't value her happiness then. Are you saying you don't know how to be happy on your own, period?

So if she died, you'd die? You'd curl up in a fetal position and give up? What would you model for your d's?

After some time, wouldn't you learn to live again? What would that look like?

Being apart from your w, but being happy.. imagine it in detail and describe it, and really give it thought. Now, please...

Any New hobbies? Are you taking a class or learning a new language? What would you do if you HAD to be happy, for your daughter's sake? What about travelling, any new friends, a sport or new friends? What would GAL look like?

Would you show your d's that without a certain someone in THEIR lives, they must give up and die? KNOW that They are watching you.

What kind of legacy do you want to leave them?

A legacy of your bad treatment of their mother (as their only memory of marriage), you being deserted because of it, and then what? You sitting on the lawn and sighing as if nothing is in your control b/c "the odds/OTHER stories are all so hopeless"....what a poor example for your children and what a way to NOT Live...


Why not show them (& you) a legacy of personal growth/redemption?

Learn & show the value of bravely looking within, being humbled by our flaws, finding the courage it takes to change those flaws, along with the value of redemption and commitment and love...

What about that ^^ legacy? Let's get on it.
NOW, what of those ^^ things can you do, in your life now?