Well as I mentioned before, it's the trust. I believe I'm being played. I ignored him for 2 weeks then boom wants to try? I will always have this mistrust. I wonder if she rejected him. Then the disrespect in the way I'm treated and being stingy with money re certain repairs when he spends more than that to eat out sometimes. I look onto his face and find he can lie with no prob. All these things go thru my mind. He can't stay with me. I want him to get out. I have to think more about what I need to be happy. It's not just the affair but the whole marriage. I guess neither one of us was happy but he was more of a loner. Doing his own thing many times. Felt like he didn't like being around us.maybe it was boring for him.
Is it me? Or what? My husband and I talked again and he lied and said the tracphone was for work. I told him I am through because he betrayed me yet a third time by talking to her. He finally said "she is my friend and because I can't talk to you, I talked to her" WHAT! I said are you blaming me? H said no but you're twisting my words. You are judge and jury and I said How? he said because I am not taking any blame for our marriage problems. I told him I was sorry and I made changes and he said "do you think that makes up for the two years of problems?" I said "do you hear yourself?" He's mad because I watched his every move since he's betrayed me. He told me talking to her was not wrong, then he said maybe it was wrong, then he said it was wrong. I told h I did listen to him talk back in the summer. I begged him for affection and was rebuffed. He said you know why? Cuz he was numb. But he wasn't numb about her. H is defending his actions. Putting blame on me and then saying he's not blaming me. This conversation was unreal. He's trying to say that I'm the one who's nuts . I told him several times its over and he says no it's not. You don't know what you're talking about. There's nothing between us. She's my friend. I told him she's lying behind her boyfriends back by talking to h. And he defends her! Anyway while we were talking he got a text from his buddy because they were going out for a drink and he's reading the damn text while I'm talking. So finally because I am upset that he's doing this crap and defending himself, he said I got him all upset and he's goin out to get a drink. I think he's off his rocker and he says see? I can't talk to you.
Yes, Rachael, I would give it long and serious thought. Although, a divorce doesn't mean the end, but it costs a lot.
Sorry about your "crack" last night, but you know, sometimes we have to do that just for own sanity's sake.
Sending positive thoughts your way.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
H came back and told me to do what I'm gonna do but he isn't leaving. Cuz it's his house. I said I will. He try's to talk about my blame but I said it doesn't hold a candle to what he's done. He said he took on my son and was there for me when I had a serious accident. I wasn't hurt but someone else was. He finally admitted he was wrong but something's wrong with him. I tried to leave the house to get out but since I was upset he wouldn't let me. Then he's putting the moves on me. Kissing me and I told him not to do it. When I wanted it he Wouldn't give it and when I don't want it he won't leave me alone.
H is asking me yet again to give him another chance but the conversation is still a repeat of before. What will change. If he talked to the ow because he felt she was the only one who would listen what's going to change the next time he can't talk to me? She still works in the building 2 miles down. Still doesn't think his talking to her on private phone is betrayal. I heard him tell her in jan that he wanted her, not me. Won't admit it says the same old stuff he said when I first caught him. I told him I'm through. Either he or I can go. Doesnt want to leave or for me to go and not throw away 23 years of marriage. I told him he should have thought about that before contacting her yet again. Says I'm being too hard. How can I trust him ever again?
Sometimes it's useful to think about what that would look like. If you separated/divorced, if he spent a year going to therapy and making his life 100% transparent to you, if he called OW with you on the line and told her he wasn't going to have any further contact with her and that he regretted putting his marriage in jeopardy over her?
Remember, if he's REALLY sincere about wanting you back, he would do all these things, and separation or divorce would not deter him. I think your bullsh!t meter is correct and he just doesn't want to have to deal with any consequences of his actions - as evidenced by his lack of true remorse, he keeps trying to put the blame on you.
I agree with kml, Rachael. Have you told him what you need from him, in order to start on that road to reconciliation? Or, are you just finished?
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I hear him talking and the thing is for me, his affection for her has taken a part of his heart that was rightfully mine. Just a month ago he was telling her he didn't love me, wanted her. Now what has changed. He says they changed when my son had his emotional outburst, although my h was still distant.
When I became distant then he starts to pick up his head and take notice. There is still resistance from him in giving out facts about talking to ow. If I say anything derogatory about her he doesn't like it. I just feel that the emotional attachment is still there. He denies it but I don't believe him. He wants me to get over what he said a month ago that's in the past. Well I did forgive twice. I can't get over this. Last month I told him he was cold and I believed he was contacting ow. He Said I was wrong and I had to stop this. I was not wrong, obsessed or crazy. I brought this up. He's more afraid of my reaction so he has to call up ow and tell her things that are none of her business. He let her in. He calls it bad judgment. I call it betrayal. He said he can't afford to move out. Spent a lot on a trip and bills. My overall feeling is not positive it feels like a replay and ill get burned again.
Rachael, Trust your gut instinct. From your postings, I see a man who is in panic mode and is desperate to keep things status quo. I see a man who is providing lip service, but not action to prove that he wants to recommit to the marriage and work on things. However, you are the only one that knows whether or not your h can be trusted. Can he look you in the eyes and hold eye contact? Does he look everywhere but at you when he's talking? What has he done thus far to show/prove to you that he wants to stay married?
I see a man who is afraid of what will happen when a divorce takes place. I see a very desperate man.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yes snodderly My gut says its all talk. Trying to deflect and change the subject. I'm an easy mark. He knows how to get me. He went to exercise and go talk to his friend. Well how about gettin me flowers or cooking a meal or asking me what he can do? I told him his best efforts fell far short. This weekends conversations told me this: that its all about him, that she most probably gave him the boot, that he has feelings for her because he defends her, the unwillingness to say he is wrong is being defensive and asking me if I'm willing to throw this marriage away (among other things said like that) is trying to place blame on me and get the focus off him. My gut says the changes will be shot lived and then back to crap again.
