Starsky, I haven't ignored your previous advice - in fact, I have thought about it frequently.
I would *prefer* if he would be willing to answer my questions - not just to "satisfy my curiosity" but as a sign of remorse. because previously, the OW’s knew all about me and I knew nothing about them; and therefore he can show that it is really all over by exposing them. like the “walls and windows” principle in “Not Just Friends”.
however, I realize this is a sensitive point for him. he doesn’t want to expose them because he doesn’t want to expose himself. so I am willing to hold off on that for now, and to hope that at a future time he would be more open about it. this in itself is not a "deal-breaker" for me. it is more of an item on my wish-list.
I also want him to be kind and empathetic towards me, but I realize that this is also something that needs to be built over time. so that is a “wish-list” item, not a “deal-breaker” right now. I wouldn't wait with this forever, but am willing to wait temporarily.
the deal-breaker would be: if I would find out that he is continuing to see other women. right now I just have suspicions, and I don't know if it is a "gut feeling that I should pay attention to" or if it is simply "hypervigilance".
I don't have anything concrete – just bits and pieces that might not mean anything. e.g. a few weeks ago I came up behind him when he was sitting with his ipad in the evening, and he was furious. I didn't see anything on his screen - he was just playing solitaire, I didn't see any IM windows disappearing, but why was he so angry? he said it was because I startled him by approaching so quietly. but it reminded me of times in the past when he would quickly close an IM window on his computer (and be angry at me for approaching quietly) when I came into the room.
in December, when he was home most of the time, he was "not-nice" to me a lot of the time - and not because of anything I did. it gave me a feeling that he was angry at me for taking away his candy jar. or that the anger might even be a reaction (or smokescreen) for him needing to hide things from me. again, no evidence, just my own suspicions from being burnt in the past.
on the other hand, even when he is "nice" and reassuring towards me, he could still be seeing other women - as in the example I gave in my earlier post today.
this past week was really stressful for me, because it would have been an ideal opportunity for him if he were still seeing other women. it was a week between job locations when he was travelling from one job to another, but didn't have a *lot* of travelling to do. also it included V-day, and is followed by a federal holiday (long weekend). so, ideal opportunity, but no evidence of anything actually happening. of course, in the past, when he was actively conducting multiple affairs, there was usually never any evidence either.
so I just don't know. if my “deal-breaker” is to know that he is not having any further affairs, how can it be a "deal-breaker" for me if I have no way to verify whether anything is going on?
and that brings me back to my first question: how can I tell if anything is going on?
yes, “believe nothing they say and only half of what they do.” great. how do I know when I can stop doing that and allow myself to trust him again?
otherwise I feel that all my DB efforts are just building a sand castle.
