I'm back. I didn't want to post on here unless I addressed the letter again with H.
Starsky-Thank you for checking in on me ;-)
Journal- Last week, when I brought up the letter to my Al Anon sponsor, I was very surprised by her response. Her deal is, worry about yourself. Stop looking for validation through him. Go by his actions and be patient.
I know that's what was expected of me before piecing, but now I think it was fair of me to ask for reassurance.
This morning I brought it up. I have to preface it by saying that I didn't plan it well, nor was I focused. There was a lot of resentment that I had allow to brew over the past week. He hadn't brought up the topic at all and I can feel us growing closer each day.
I asked him before he walked out of the house, "when will you be able to give me the letter." He was surprised and said, "in a month"
He claims he no longer talks to her anymore. OW will be confused when she receives this letter. yadda yadda yadda. I said it was because he had lied about "not talking to her anymore" so many times that I couldn't trust his words.
The conversation included a lot of throwing old resentment from me. Him saying I only look at the negatives. etc. It ended with us both agreeing that R is not the best choice for us. (I have a feeling this will happen again because it's such a default.)
Later on I text him, I would rather heal with you. But if you'd rather step back, I would understand. He text back, there will be no stepping back from me. We will be fine.
Help me. I'm so confused. I do want to continue to reconcile but I don't feel comfortable without the letter. My sponsor (and H) said, after the letter, I'll want something else.
In the book After the Affair, she talks about how building trust is so important and this (writing a letter to OW, having access to cell phone, etc) are all ways of working on it.
I'm confused...will I always be asking for something?
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
I know that's what was expected of me before piecing, but now I think it was fair of me to ask for reassurance.
I absolutely agree 100%, and so would any good IC or MC/FT who has extensive experience helping marriages heal from infidelity.
I would tell him "It sounds to me like you're not ready, and that's fine -- I'm not going to 'sell' you on this. Just know that I won't wait forever, and I have some decisions to make." And then LEAVE HIM BE and live your life.
The "30 days" thing is bullchit, Vero, but I suppose you already know that.
Later on I text him, I would rather heal with you. But if you'd rather step back, I would understand. He text back, there will be no stepping back from me. We will be fine.
Vero, I would encourage you to stop initiating these types of talks and text exchanges. I think I posted to you earlier about how I've never seen one of these "piecing" things work yet, where it is the BETRAYED spouse pursuing -- you need to flip this on his head: HE needs to be asking YOU what it's going to take to come back to the marriage.
However, since you did start this, I would have responded to the above with "Well, then I think you know what you need to do. This is YOUR mess, and you need to clean it up. Your words, unfortunately, don't mean anything to me anymore. Actions."
Thank you Starsky, I needed to know that what I was asking wasn't far fetched. I reread online articles about building trust and gave me the book "After the AFfair" because I know I'm not making this stuff up as I go along.
However, I'm really struggling pulling back. This is the hardest part for me. It's always been struggling with this since Day 1.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
Yes! Starsky! I love that book. It's helped me out so much!
I need to add that I gave H the book Sat night and marked the page on how to rebuild trust. I said, I want you to know I'm not making this stuff up. He said (in a very genuine way) I'll read it. And I know you're not making this up. He said it again today (sunday).
I also need to add that when I brought up the letter a 2nd time it really disrupted my serenity. I've learned that when I bring up a delicate topic with a lot of forethought, I remain focused in my talk. The "aftermath" isn't as emotional and I get my point across. *I actually communicate.*
This wasn't the case Sat morning.
I will bring up this topic again, possibly tomorrow. As I said before, I find us coming closer and closer towards each other every day. Today (sunday) was amazing. We spent the day together and we both enjoyed it so much.
However, that d@mn letter holds me back from wanting to be closer to him. I need to say this in a nonthreatening way. Where I don't throw out resentment to defend myself. Where I'm not shaking as I talk. I get more across and I stay focused on the topic when I'm much more collected.
I talked to another longtime member of my program. I wanted her to clarify what my sponsor said. She said that asking for the letter should be in the form of a request. Not a demand. This I'm aware of however I do find myself demanding it.
She said, that the reason he is not writing it is because he is also working his 12 step program. Funny cuz H also gave me the same reason. This part I would need more clarification from him when I bring it up again. This is mind reading but I think writing the letter disrupts his serenity. The same reason I hesitated to bring up the topic. It also disrupted my serenity.
Thank you Starsky for following up with me :-)
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
I'll be anxious to see what the others have to say about this, but I'm very wary of having you state -- YET AGAIN -- what your boundary is ("I need you to send OW a no-contact letter.") Ordinarily, I am a big proponent of "A boundary constantly re-stated is a boundary weakened." My only hesitatation on that in your situation is that I'm NOT sure that your husband has really HEARD you thus far that this is a dealbreaker for you, so I dunno.
I do think you are still confusing one thing, however: this is neither a "demand" NOR a "request." It is a BOUNDARY -- which is simply a "You can do whatever you want; THIS, however, is what I need in a marriage where there has already been infidelity."
Not sure if I had already shared this with you or not, but this -- from a friend of mine -- was the single best way I've ever seen the concept of "boundaries" explained:
Think about boundaries like this:
Boundaries are not about controlling the other person, because boundaries are about drawing "circles" around *you* and determining what you will and won't allow inside that circle.
Your WxH can do whatever he wants OUTSIDE that circle. You are not telling him what to do.
But you will only let into that circle people who treat you with respect.
He's free to go on treating you with disrespect, but you won't know about it because he'll be outside your circle. He's free to go on and draw his own boundaries of no expectations and no responsibilities, outside your circle.
He can do WHATEVER he wants. He's a free person, free to make WHATEVER choices he wants.
BUT SO ARE YOU, and you are free to choose who to allow within your circle.
That's all. Not about trying to control him at all. Tell him he's totally free. He has the WHOLE WORLD, outside your circle, to go and do whatever he wants.
If he's saying you have to let him into your circle no matter what, then THAT is about HIM controlling YOU.
She said, that the reason he is not writing it is because he is also working his 12 step program. Funny cuz H also gave me the same reason. This part I would need more clarification from him when I bring it up again. This is mind reading but I think writing the letter disrupts his serenity. The same reason I hesitated to bring up the topic. It also disrupted my serenity.
Sorry, but "Oh please." YOUR serenity has ALREADY been disrupted, by your husband's affair. HIS serenity -- his entire world -- NEEDS some disruption now, as he cleans up his mess.
It's really as simple as that. Put another way, you lovingly but firmly say (if this is indeed even his reason -- like you said, you are mindreading): "Look, I realize this makes you very uncomfortable, and I don't know what to tell you about that. I can only tell you what I need in a marraige going forward, where there has already been infidelity, and this is what I need. I guess you have a decision to make." It's not your job to rescue him from his feelings of discomfort, brought on as the natural consequence of the destructive choices he has made thus far. That's HIS job.
