since I last wrote, H and I have had ups and downs. sometimes he is “nice” to me (e.g. if I pretend nothing has happened in the past, and don’t ask him about it, we can have good times together). and sometimes he is just not nice to me. sometimes he can be reassuring and sometimes just hurtful for no reason.
the problem is, I still don’t know whether I can trust him. he says he is not seeing any other women – but he also said that in the past, when he was actively having multiple affairs. so how can I know if he is telling the truth now?
he still refuses adamantly to answer my questions about the past. I haven’t pressured him about it, because I realize this is a sensitive point with him. (some of what he did with the OW’s was apparently “kinky sex” and he is embarrassed to talk about it. or at least that is what he says. anyway I am not pressuring him on that for now.)
instead I have tried to concentrate on at least getting empathy from him – with mixed results. again, sometimes he will be reassuring, and sometimes say things that are very hurtful.
last week we finally had a conversation about what I am feeling, and he said some nice, encouraging things. I want to be reassured by this, and I want to be able to trust him, but how can I be sure about it when he is away from home so much and has so many opportunities? since he travels for his work, there is no way for me to know (short of hiring a PI) if he is spending the weekend alone or with a “guest”.
while thinking about this, I went back and looked at one of the IM conversations we had in the summer of 2011, soon after I found the old letters from several OW’s. here are some of the things he said at that time:
“I am more than happy to share my life with you.”
“I am really willing to cooperate with you to rebuild the trust between us.”
“I also want to fix our marriage. I love you and I respect you.”
“I am willing to share with you more about myself.”
“I want us to go on into old age together.”
“I really want to do my share to put this stuff behind us.”
when I wrote "I am willing to forgive the past, as long as I know that it is all in the past and not continuing”, he replied "Yes. Just in the past."
so that’s reassuring, right?
the problem is, I later found out that when he wrote those nice things, one of the OW’s was right there in his RV spending the weekend with him.
even though I have access to his email account and cell phone records, he could easily have one (or more!) email accounts and cell phones that I don’t know about.
so how could I possibly know if I can now trust him?
