The day after my last post we spoke on the phone about what he's dealing with and next steps for the boat. He told me that he should not have kept his past from me. I told him he just wasn't ready to deal with it before, and that as he works through all of this he will be able to close the doors for good and finally enjoy all that life has to offer. At this point he was sobbing and said he didn't want to cry anymore.
That same day I got an email from his mother! He must have called her on what she said to me about OW being his soul mate when I first found out about the affair. I have not told H about it. He has enough to contend with. Nor have I responded...there is nothing nice I can say to her. She said that she will do anything for her son (yeah, like help him to lose everything) and that she deals with painful things by putting them in the past and just moving forward. My husband comes honestly by his mantra of "it's in the past, it doesn't matter." She trained him and it's all but destroyed him. She also repeated in her email that our marriage "was not to be". Methinks that she never wanted it to be. I'm guessing her troubles run deep.
So I know the depths of what he is going through although I won't go into it here. It is not a sudden alien behavior or questioning of whether this is all life has to offer sort of thing. I know how hard this is for him, and for this reason I cannot just drop the hammer and cast him adrift. He needs my support, even from afar and despite the fact that I don't know where this will land. My actions now are about human kindness, not my marriage. I need to keep that perspective.
He has medication to help him sleep and has started journaling. We're in touch every week or two, and every time he thanks me for caring and tells me how much it means to him. The week before last he texted at 6am on a weekday. When I didn't respond right away (was still in bed), he called to make sure I knew that his journaling is getting better every day. I didn't ask details, just encouraged him.
He has mentioned "enjoy and relax" a couple of times in text. One of the first emails he sent to me said something about there being no stress and just relaxing when he was with me. This is key, and I wish I'd known before but he never said a word. But today is a new day and now that I understand stress/relaxing in the context of what he's going through I'll be able to modify my behavior IF, and that's a big if, we reconcile.
Here's the funny thing that prompted me to update. Wednesday was a bit of a rough day. I had no idea why, and then on Thursday I was in tears on the way to work and had to skip out on the lunch a colleague brought in for a few of us. I'm not one for commercial holidays like valentine's, so that wasn't it. I just didn't know what it was and figured it was a blip on the screen. No biggie. So last night I texted H to see if everything was going OK. He said he has good days and bad days, but that the last couple of days were really hard. I think that either he picked up my emotions or I on his. Very odd.
At the end of last night's text he thanked me again for checking in and said it's "very wonderful." He promised me that he would be well, and thanked me for saying I'd hold him to that promise.
I'm guessing that if valentine's day was bad, twinkle twat (if I may quote you Snodderly...LOVE that!) is no more. It was medicinal anyway, and I hope she's writhing in the misery she deserves.
So it is what it is and where it is. It seems we're still connected on some spiritual or metaphysical or psychic or emotional level, even though we haven't seen each other since I can't remember when. He puts my name in every other text he sends and always responds right away. there's something to be said for waiting for him to reach out to me, but given what he's dealing with I don't mind reaching out every other week or so. Besides, that's a 180 for me.
so there it is, for what it means and what it's worth.
Hope all are well.
me 45 H 46 T 5 M 2.5 BD Sept 6 2011 OW Sept 8 2011 Threw him out Sept 8 2011
