Diving in with my eyes closed

[2chiquitos]

I'm back. I didn't want to post on here unless I addressed the letter again with H.

Starsky-Thank you for checking in on me ;-)

Journal-
Last week, when I brought up the letter to my Al Anon sponsor, I was very surprised by her response. Her deal is, worry about yourself. Stop looking for validation through him. Go by his actions and be patient.

I know that's what was expected of me before piecing, but now I think it was fair of me to ask for reassurance.

This morning I brought it up. I have to preface it by saying that I didn't plan it well, nor was I focused. There was a lot of resentment that I had allow to brew over the past week. He hadn't brought up the topic at all and I can feel us growing closer each day.

I asked him before he walked out of the house, "when will you be able to give me the letter." He was surprised and said, "in a month"

He claims he no longer talks to her anymore. OW will be confused when she receives this letter. yadda yadda yadda.
I said it was because he had lied about "not talking to her anymore" so many times that I couldn't trust his words.

The conversation included a lot of throwing old resentment from me. Him saying I only look at the negatives. etc. It ended with us both agreeing that R is not the best choice for us. (I have a feeling this will happen again because it's such a default.)

Later on I text him, I would rather heal with you. But if you'd rather step back, I would understand. He text back, there will be no stepping back from me. We will be fine.

Help me. I'm so confused. I do want to continue to reconcile but I don't feel comfortable without the letter. My sponsor (and H) said, after the letter, I'll want something else.

In the book After the Affair, she talks about how building trust is so important and this (writing a letter to OW, having access to cell phone, etc) are all ways of working on it.

I'm confused...will I always be asking for something?