I have not seen a story similar to mine, in that my wife is projecting normalacy, yet has said/done many things suggesting otherwise.
Here's my story.
We are married 22 years (I'm 45 and W is 42) and have 3 girls aged 12, 10, and 6. 18 months ago, we moved cross-country so I could take a new and better job, as well as put our kids in a nice school district. My wife was onboard, but once we got here, the changes were difficult for her to deal with. My wife had an extensive network of friends and work in our old place, which she no longer has here. From working 25 hours/wk, she was now a stay-at-home mom and became isolated. To get out of the house, she joined a gym and started kick-boxing. I was supportive at first, but after about 6-months it started to get out of hand. She was going 4 nights/week. Then she switched to jui jitsu, which is mostly men wrestling each other. She was doing this 3 nights/week and 1 night/week of kick-boxing. I was complaining that she was always gone. I think my wife is having a mid-life crisis, maybe starting even before we moved here with the move as a major trigger. She had a breast augmentation, she exercises like mad, she now spends a lot of time on her appearance with make-up and clothes, she has new friends who are all single and younger than her, and she even wanted to buy a new car for a few weeks that only sat 2 people, yet we have a family of 5. In Oct/Nov 2012 she started going out for drinks after the gym with her mates. This caused a lot of friction, arguing, and bad feelings between us – but she didn’t really care. One night she didn’t come home until almost 10pm. We had an argument that weekend, and she told me “I love you, but I don’t love you”. I spied on her. I learned that she is infatuated with a guy at the gym. I discovered it early enough that it was not a physical affair, and barely an emotional affair other than her infatuation. I confronted her, and gave her the choice of stop seeing this guy after gym, or leave. She was mad, cried, didn’t give an actual answer, left the house, but returned later that night after I was already in bed. This happened just before Christmas 2012. Well, this opened the floodgates. She told me that she hasn’t loved me in a long time, Each discussion seems to push the date further back into our marriage as if she never loved me. She told me many things that just threw me into a depression. She is staying only for the kids; on our 20th anniversary she wanted to go on the trip alone; she doesn’t want to be married; and she doesn’t think she will be able to love me. I’m a nice guy, but that “love feeling” is missing. Initially, I did everything wrong: wanted to talk about relationship, asked for reassurances, begged, sent her flowers, etc. Since this time, we’ve come to an agreement that she can go to the gym 2 nights/week. We live together, sleep together, have sex as regularly as we always have, and speak mostly politely to each other without arguments. Last weekend, we went to the movies and dinner together. Yet, I know that for her nothing has fundamentally changed. She still doesn’t think she can feel that romantic feeling with me again. I’m curious if others have had similar situations where this goes on, but on the surface the couple acts almost as if there is no problem. For myself, it’s killing me. When I’m away from her, I think about our relationship constantly, I have read 10 different books, etc. I now also go to the gym 4 times/week versus the 2 times/week that I used to go. I lost almost 10 lbs, and I was maybe only 5 lbs over my ideal weight!
I think you are in a much better sitch than most...it seems you may have taken her seriously early enough to make impact before BD. She may not have had an A yet, but she certainly seems like she was on that path.
Time to get busy with you. What are your 180s? What are you working on? Have you read DR and 5LL? Clearly you are not fufilling all of your W's needs, so dig into that and figure out what's missing. What have been her complaints about the M?
I don't know a lot about MLC, but it does seem that an awful lot of us end up in this type of sitch in our 40s. For me, I pretty much lost myself over the course of our M and our struggles. 15 years later, I'm a shell of the person my W loved. Doesn't take an expert to see where that leads. One partner starts questioning the M, their life, their happiness, etc. and given that their spouse is always there, it's pretty easy for that person to end up taking the blame (sometimes rightfully so to a point).
Take a hard look at yourself. Are you who you want to be? How are you different from who your W fell in love with? Are you meeting her needs?
I’m curious if others have had similar situations where this goes on, but on the surface the couple acts almost as if there is no problem.
Yeah. After BD my W and I carried on like we always had before. But I tried to be more caring and compassionate, and she seemed to respond by drawing closer to me too. We got along great, kept doing everything together, started going to MC, continued to ML, etc. etc. But the long and short of it is when pressed in MC she kept saying she was done, didn't want to try and saw no long-term hope for the M. And she stuck to her guns too, it eventually drove her to move out.
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When I’m away from her, I think about our relationship constantly, I have read 10 different books, etc.
Good, it won't heal your M right away but it'll make you a better person.
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I now also go to the gym 4 times/week versus the 2 times/week that I used to go.
I have to ask, how do you think your W interprets it that you told her she can only go twice a week, but you're going four times a week? I really don't think the frequency that she goes to the gym is what's wrong with your M. She obviously enjoys it and if you "punish" her by limiting the activity she enjoys then I have a feeling it's going to backfire.
The "Mr. Nice Guy" approach isn't going to work. I know it's most of ours go-to move, but all it's probably doing is making her lose respect for you, and it KILLS attraction.
And right now, you need to be re-BUILDING attraction, not killing it.
Leave her be for the most part, but do establish some boundaries that work for you and the kids (10pm is not late, but she shouldn't stay out past midnight, for example). Let her know that you do NOT want a divorce, but that you're not willing to live in an open marriage, either, and that her friendship (if that's all it is) with this guy is not appropriate. Acknowledge where you've been lacking as a husband, and your determination to work on those issues and keep your kids' family intact, but you're not going to be her second choice while she goes out at night, and that you BOTH have some thinking to do and decisions to make.
And then let her be. Remain a little mysterious, positive and upbeat but a bit aloof, and DON'T PURSUE HER. Smothering her will push her away, and she likely finds it weak and repulsive.
Hi, Glad to see you found our site. There is some good advice here. Are you talking to a DB coach? If not, please consider doing so. They are experts in getting background info and asking you the questions that will help them come up with a specific action plan for you. Now is the time to do things that will eventually bring her closer and not push her further away. Take good care.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
I’m curious if others have had similar situations where this goes on, but on the surface the couple acts almost as if there is no problem.
Just read threads here in Newcomers and you will find that your stitch is not unique.
Your W is in crises. I don't know if it's MLC, but it's certainly a crises....and now your M is crashing fast!
When a woman is not happy in her MR and then gets a lot of special attention (or maybe not that much, even)... it can mess with her head. Her unmet emotions take over. That is what's happening now.
You are in an extemely bad place, but not a hopeless one. Stay with us here. Keep us updated and seek out advice only here and not family memebers & friends b/c that usually doesn't go well.
Have you read Divorce Remedy?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Time to get busy with you. What are your 180s? What are you working on? Have you read DR and 5LL? Clearly you are not fufilling all of your W's needs, so dig into that and figure out what's missing. What have been her complaints about the M?
She doesn't tell me directly the issues per se, but I have gleaned that she essentially thinks I'm too Beta and not enough Alpha. I've been working on that these months. Our marriage got to the point where I would always say things like, "what do you want to do?" or let her choose the movie or restaurant.
Another change is that I would be very critical about little things, and I sweated the small stuff. I stopped doing that.
I now also go to the gym 4 times/week versus the 2 times/week that I used to go.
I have to ask, how do you think your W interprets it that you told her she can only go twice a week, but you're going four times a week? I really don't think the frequency that she goes to the gym is what's wrong with your M. She obviously enjoys it and if you "punish" her by limiting the activity she enjoys then I have a feeling it's going to backfire.[/quote]
The difference is I go during my lunch hour so it takes away no family time, whereas she went from 6pm - 8:30pm, which meant I was almost a single dad taking care of my 3 girls each evening (they go to bed at around 8pm).
