Sitting in the back seat!

[AnotherStander]

Re: AS. Thanks so much for your reply. It really helps to know that there are people out there who take the time to give support and advice, or just a friendly ear.

You're welcome! You should be off moderation now or soon, when that happens then every time you post it'll bump your thread to the top and you'll get more responses. It's tough when you're on moderation because your thread never makes it up past page 3 or 4 and as such, not many people see and respond to it.

Just now it seems like I am taking small steps in the right direction, when it comes to working on myself.

Small steps are great! Many of us try to move mountains right away after BD and it's tough to keep the pace going when you do that. It's a lot easier to adjust to small moves and to keep them going.

Also continuing to think about not pressuring her to stay, but sometimes it gets to me and I get sad, so I try to be on my own.

It's normal to feel sadness as well as anger, pain and other emotions. In DR Michele talks about acting "as if" everything is fine even though it isn't. Try to always be positive and happy around your W. Also always present the best "you", keep yourself well-groomed and looking good!

W says she wants to continue MC, helps us communicate. But she says maybe we should go every 3 or 4 weeks instead of every week.

WAS's tend to view MC as pressure, so I think she's making a reasonable request.

Have ordered DB and DR, still waiting for their arrival. Trying to sort out my thoughts and emotions so I can make concrete decisions on exactly what I need to 180

You might just wait on that until you can read DR, it'll help a lot with figuring out 180's and what to do.

Monday is our 4 year anniversary :-( ... Wonder how to deal with that???

The general consensus here seems to be to just ignore the date. My W and I had our 20th anniversary a few months after BD and we went out to dinner but didn't exchange cards or gifts.

[Occy01]

Re: Luke Tack for the good advice! Seems like the way to go...
RE: AS. Just wanted to let you know, you are a rock. Expecting delivery of DB and DR on monday. Which do you recommend I read first?
This weekend with the kids away, talking about practical stuff. W initiated. Seems like I have managed to hold it together. We have had a pleasant weekend.Listened,answered and not lost it emotionally. Managed to discuss the practical things with W. Also made a big step by telling my parents (who live in a different country). Have been avoiding it, avoiding their pain,. But I know that by telling them, I am also admitting it to myself. That this is really happening. They were obviously upset. Will call me tomorrow. Still haven't been able to speak to her parents... Too difficult. I have almost adopted them as my parents, because my parents are not here. we have become very close over the years and just now its too.....hard

[Occy01]

4thanniversary yesterday came and went without any mention. I 'celebrated' with an evening at the gym, W went to look at a house. DB and DR came in the post today! Look forward to reading them, but which one shall I start with I wonder?

[Maritimer]

I cant believe how many of us are in the same situation. My wife is the same way rushing to get her own house and seems very firm in her choice to leave despite all my recent changes.

This forum gives us hope so keep reading other peoples threads and you will understand what works and what dont. Im almost finished reading the DR,and it has giving me some encouragement. At least you are trying to do something so congrats to that!

Its a wild roller coaster ride!.

[AnotherStander]

RE: AS. Just wanted to let you know, you are a rock.

LOL! Thanks, I appreciate it

Expecting delivery of DB and DR on monday. Which do you recommend I read first?

DR was written second and is kind of an updated version of DB. I would read that one first. Michele says early on in DR that she realized after writing DB that she was unintentionally implying to people that they could turn their situations around really fast, like in days or weeks. So she wanted DR to be formatted to give more realistic expectations.

This weekend with the kids away, talking about practical stuff. W initiated. Seems like I have managed to hold it together. We have had a pleasant weekend.Listened,answered and not lost it emotionally.

Good! Strive to keep things that way in all future conversations. And remember, it's all about listening, not talking!! I still to this day struggle with this, I have to constantly stop myself when talking to W and refocus on listening.

Still haven't been able to speak to her parents... Too difficult.

Don't talk to them about this!! Let your W handle that. Anything you say to them is going to get back to W and she will see it as controlling, manipulative behavior on your part even if you had the best of intentions. It's fine to talk to them about the kids, the weather, your job or whatever. Just not about your sitch with W.

[LuckyLuke]

Hej Occy01

- second that on not talking to her parents - it is her choice and hence problem to deal with them about this - it might also unnecessarily worry them (who knows how the future will be?) - I would rather maintain a quality relationship with them - it would also make things a lot more complicated and hence difficult -

Hang in there -

LL

[Occy01]

Thanks for the replies! Started with DR yesterday. Am, for some reason, trying to read it 'in secret'! Just feels right not showing her or letting her know about the book. We seem to be in limbo right now, living for the children, W trying to find a house, conversations ranging from trivia to heavy. Got a bit sad yesterday. W said I looked tired, I said didn't sleep much. W asks why? I said ah you know,lots on my mind yesterday ( 4th Anniversary), you know tough day. W says why? I said well, wedding anniversary ( probably not wise!!), she said oh yeah, realised that this afternoon ( day after). Felt like just when I thought she couldn't t hurt me more, that she sticks a knife in and twists it. Just went to bed early, and read DR....maybe a bit oversensitive...

Need to clarify the thing with her parents. They have known since BD. Have said they are there for us both. I have avoided talking to them about anything and everything. When they call its just short answers from me, yes, no etc. Can't even look them in the eyes....

[sweetbabyred]

Yes, make sure that she doesn't see the book. Otherwise, she'll think that you're making changes just to get her back. I'm pretty sure that the book even mentions not to let your spouse know that you're reading it.

[Occy01]

Hi all. Ill with fever, not in work and spent the day in bed. Had lots and lots of time to think about whats going on, and time to get sad. W went to see a house yesterday, she put in an offer. The cliff edge is getting closer and closer.
W called to give me some `great´news. The bank has approved my loan, so I can buy her out of the house. I know this is great, but have a hard time being as extremely happy about it as she is. Tonight she wants to go over all the practical details like how we should split our possessions, how much everything is worth and if there is difference how much should be paid etc,etc... Not sure how i will handle that one, what with feeling depressed and the fever...

Why is every song on the radio and every program on tv about losing the one you love, failed relationships, longing for the return of a loved one!!!???

[LuckyLuke]

Hej Occy01,

Please listen to a different radio station! or P1 or something not about love - no point in driving yourself crazy.

Also, see if you can maintain a good relationship with her parents - it is always good to have friends, maybe especially them -

Lycka till -

Luke