3 Months in, Still fighting. Crunch time!

[25yearsmlc]

I'm also not of the "if it conflicts with what your DB coach says," we should just all keep our mouths shut. I would use teh analogy of a preacher, and the Bible: "If what a DB coach says conflicts with what MWD teaches in DivorceBusting or Divorce Remedy, you should challange your coach."

I did not say "if what your DB coach says does NOT match DBIng, we should all just keep our mouths shut." That is some detailed misquoting...

I simply said if his DB coach's advice veered from MINE, to follow the coach, b/c I humbly admit I'm no expert, despite my personal experience or the thousands of posts I've read here....

But I agree that if Laurie or any DB coach said something that really seemed inconsistent with DB/DR or MWD, then yes I'd HAVE to get clarification as to why. Or make sure I was taking in her advice accurately.

I had 15 seesions with a DB coach and I can't recall a SINGLE time the advice conflicted with DBing (or MWD-which ought to be the same).

IF SM's wording of what she tells him AND his wording TO her, is accurate,

YES, I'd need clarification. OR a different coach. Starsky has a point.

But SM, don't take this to mean I assume you have accurately portrayed all the information to her OR what she told you, to us.

B/C

I have a VERY HARD time believing that Laurie hears the same facts WE hear
and has such a different take on it.
Someone is getting a really different set of facts. (Maybe it's us. Maybe WE don't have the full story and she does)...
Does she give you a timeline for this "acceptance of an affair" behavior?

DId I read somewhere that a one week timeline existed?

Is how "nice" your wife is to you WHEN she is there in the home, the only measure of progress?

And what Gabby said too, made a lot of sense to me. Somethin's not smellin' right.


I read nothing in my copy of DR that says a betrayed spouse is to be a doormat and not enforce strong boundaries in the face of an unrepentant affair. In fact, the "After the Last Resort Technique" teaches precisely the opposite.


Starsky

Starsky, when you put it that ^^^ way (which is how the facts seem to most of us) I'd have to agree. Though I think SM would argue she is sorry...I'd say she WAS sorry before she began it, and then she chose to anyhow.

SM, I'm NOT saying to toss her stuff on the lawn and file. I don't THINK any of us are saying to do that.

You have so many other options as to how to set a boundary here.

Though I agree with your assessment that she won't leave you for OM, it's not for the same reasons you have. After all, How can she leave you & the d for OM? He provides nothing but sex. He has NO job, not two.

It would makes me nuts.


***BUT I see no reason for her to stop seeing him either...and THAT is a big problem.

I don't see her deciding you are a better catch than she thought before, AND THEN returning home. That's partly b/c she has nothing to lose by continuing to see him, as you've given her no indication that she MUST stop at any point...


It seems to me she has one of 3 goals in mind (assuming thought goes into this at all).

Either she 1) intends to search for and find an OM who can provide what you provide PLUS intimacy, for whom she'll leave you. (& She's already talking to OM#2 about HIs sex life and yours...)

AND - OR

2) she intends to continue having her intimacy needs met elsewhere and coming home to you, for back up attention, a roof over her head, childcare, etc...

AND OR

3) she hopes that lightning will strike and she will "FALL in love" with you again (as if no free will is involved with choosing to love someone, or keeping a vow)
and she will want no one else again, ever...and then all will be well.

This seems to be your plan, right? To win her back?

SM, NOTHING AND NO ONE HERE says you don't still work on you. NOTHING.

It's clear to me that you have some serious inner exploration to do to have gotten you here in the first place.

SOME of that has to do with ignoring so many of her needs and putting her down (the compliment thriftiness really got to me)

& putting all this in financial terms as to how it makes YOU feel as a man.

I mean, will every recession result in you having no sex drive or damaging your self image as a man? How terrifying for you and whoever is your future partner.

Those are significant things to work on with a professional.

AND Some of the inner exploration is about the way you have put up with what most of us would find intolerable.

I cannot/will not tell you what to do. Sorry if it seems I am. Truly. No one here wants to dictate to you.

But if it were me & my h wasn't physiologically sick (as in, a brain tumor sick) but was having an open affair, and telling me about it

AND then coming home pretending all was well and "taking care of me" when I was sick, then no, I would not do as you are doing.

I would work on MYSELF no matter what, and for the record, I STILL DO work on me. Always will.

Yes at first this "work" is damn hard. Having revelations about &making changes with my anger/resentment, was NOT easy.

But once learned, once healed, then "working" on our lives is just what we do, it's how life is, throwing us new curve balls along the way. We get skills for handling what we face. And when needed, as it is often, We get new tools.

I just went to the workshop "Essential Experience", (aka "EE") which I have mentioned to others. You go there to gain clarity/purpose in their lives & get rid of baggage that is affecting your life and choicews now, which CAN save a marriage (Autumn Leaves, NavyGuy & Power Of Now, have gone & got a lot out of it.)

I now do "team" to support the participants b/c I went through it myself years ago. So I still do my "work".

For the first time since doing EE, I got to meet another DBer-PowerOfNow- while I was there. Very cool...

I see now that there's a lot of information about someone you can't get here, obviously.

PON's main relevant lesson was not to give up on his marriage, but to truly discover how to connect/love deeply, WHILE getting the respect he needs. And how that helps his wife connect to him, as well.

Also He now KNOWS he'll be more than "alright", with or without his w. He's a great guy, who wants to work on himself and his life.

I THINK that makes him more likely to successfully stay married. I'm SURE it makes him more likely to be a happy fulfilled man, regardless.

But I digress.

IN SHORT, The more you work on you, the more likely your self respect will grow enough for you to see this more clearly.

Sorry for your confusion. But if you are TOTALLY HONEST with Laurie, as you said, then maybe you're leaving out a few details w/us?? Maybe you have other issues in your marital history, or there is more to them, than we know.

It's rare for such a dichotomy to exist between the posters here and a DB coach, so I wonder about what you actually told her and what she actually told you, in FULL.

Sometimes what you recall us saying, or what you think we meant, is pretty selective. So Back to Gabby's comment..."somethin's fishy"...yeah, to me it is.

SM, maybe you don't even realize your bias in the way you speak b/c for sure, you don't always realize it here.

I so hope you gain clarity.