Quick question. I noticed my wife crying in the middle of the night in bed. She did not realize I was awake. Do I ask her why she was crying last night. Nothing different specificly happened yesterday that I am aware of. Thanks for the input.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
Rough day. No real reason why. I just feel down today. The longer this goes on the more it seems like it is over. I so admire the people on here that have been able to detach and GAL. I am just having a really hard time doing it. I love her so much! People say that it gets easier as time passes and I am sure it will but at this point I just feel awful. She has been back in our bed for the past week. I think because the couch is not very comfortable. I have such mixed emotions on this. I love her being in bed with me however it absolutely breaks my heart to look at her lying beside me knowing how she feels and knowing that I can't/should not touch her. Again, it's just a bad day and I needed to vent somewhere. Thanks for listening/reading.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
Grizz, I feel for you as I am in the same situation. Good days, bad days and some days just want vent as well. Yes the longer it goes on the more I am scared it is over and I don't really want to lose that loving feeling about her, but worry that I will.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
More venting. W went out with some friends for a bday dinner, which is obviously fine. What gets me is that she did not even have the courtesy to mention where they were going or around the time when she would be home. To me, these are things that are just common courtesy. I didn't ask her either. Just said bye and have a good time. It still upsets me though.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
So obviously I am far from being detached as you can read in my last post. W makes it so hard to detach. She has cried 2 days in a row now while in my arms. She says she is so lonely. Says she needs affection/touch. She says that aside from the emotional stuff going on she needs the physical attachment. I told her I did too. But I wanted it to mean something. I said that I just needed some sort of acknowledgment that I need to keep trying ( to work on us). She said she did not know how to answer that. Said she cannot say yes or no.
Where do i go from here. Try detaching when your W wants to still be affectionate. I told her that I am walking such a fine line. She said I was smothering her so I am backing off but she also wants me to show her affection. I am well aware of the pursuit/distance phenomenon. It is not like that I am totally distancing myself from her. We still talk, eat together and back in the same bed ( at least for now). I told her that I am trying to give her space like she asked but now I am hearing that she wants more affection. Ugh!!!!! I am so lost. So after our conversation now she is more distant ( of course).
What is a man to do???!!
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
People say that it gets easier as time passes and I am sure it will but at this point I just feel awful. She has been back in our bed for the past week. I think because the couch is not very comfortable. I have such mixed emotions on this. I love her being in bed with me however it absolutely breaks my heart to look at her lying beside me knowing how she feels and knowing that I can't/should not touch her.
That's exactly how things were for me when W was still at home. Sleeping in the same bed, but with an invisible wall right down the middle of it. Some nights she would go sleep with one of the kids, other nights she would come to our bed. I never knew what she was going to do. It was painful and it was unbelievably lonely. For me it got a lot easier after she moved out, it took away all the gnawing doubts about how to act and what to do. Unfortunately I don't really have any advice to offer you, but I can definitely sympathize with how you feel and it's not a good place to be.
Thanks AS. Sometimes having someone sympathize with you and understand your sitch helps. Random thoughts: Being in limbo is absolutely awful! I have no idea how to act. W says she can't read me anymore. I agreed with her. I said I can't read myself. I really need to work on getting back to my old self. I am a very happy person and truly the life of the party (that sounds weird saying that about myself because I am also not someone used to saying stuff like that about myself). I am definitely in a funk and need to get out of it.
W has been crying more lately. Not sure why.
Last night W was in our bed watching tv. She said she better go to the couch to sleep. Says she doesn't feel as lonely when she is in the other room. She feels more lonely sleeping beside me. Kinda wierd to me. After she told me she was leaving I leaned over to give a small half hug and said goodnight. She then layed down on my chest and hugged me. She stayed there. We ML. She stayed in our bed all night. Confused, confused, confused!
We agreed to get each other something for valentines day. Mostly so the kids would not think anything was off. I was expecting something "generic" from her but instead she got me a very thoughtful gift. No mention of love but something that I really liked and was very unexpected.
W texted me alot on valentines day about nothing specific. Seemed like she just wanted to talk. The next day she was fairly cold and distant. This is one of the things I have the most trouble with. My emotions definitely mirrors hers. I have to get away from this.
W is a very unhappy person right now. She seems unhappy about everything. Unhappy with work, me, the kids, her friends, she wants a new car. I would love to help her out of this but I am at a loss but most importantly she does not want my help.
Did I mention that being in limbo is awful?! She still says she does not know what she wants but all of her actions say she is done.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
Hi Grizz, This is indeed very hard stuff. Like AS, living with my zombie W for 3 months after BD was a nightmare for me one that I saw no hope of waking up from or could ignore. Her complete, emotionless indifference. towards me was very painful and I couldn't help but start sh#t with her just to have some kind of reaction! I was extremely hurt when she didn't acknowledge our 23rd anniversary or get me an xmas gift, and didn't hold back telling her how f'd up that was. I see this was rather unhealthy on my part, if understandable, but felt powerless to stop myself, it was all pre-DBing and didn't have about MLC.
Anyway, I know the advice is to never leave the home (didn't know that at the time either), but I was so happy when I found this really nice apartment for me and my kids. They love their time with me here which was the most important thing to me. It has given me oppurtunity to detach, avoid fights with W (none since just before xmas, though she has b#tched at me plenty on the phone!), and grieve by myself. I honestly think I would be as bat-sh#t crazy as her or possibly dead if I hadn't left. It's hard to admit that and see how weak I was then. I'm not fully detached and I get pretty sad sometimes, but it's nothing compared with the emotional and physical paralysis I was stuck in before. I can't imagine how the folks on this forum can live with their zombies and function. It's really impressive, i wish i had that kind of strength sometimes. J
Me42 W41 D10,D15 T25 M23 LYBNILWY 09/12 OEA 08/12(?)-ended? 01/13 Sep 01/13 I file 04/13 1rst D hearing 06/13 Currently in mediation
J, "zombie" is a good description. She is never the same person from day to day. She plays music or wears headphones all the freakin time which drives me crazy because I know it is just to tune the world out. She never listened to music before.
I will not leave. I very well may become bat-sh#t crazy ( if not already) but I will not leave the house. I have said many times that it probably would be easier if we were not around each other but in the long run maybe it will be a positive thing. Who knows?
2-1 odds she is on the couch tonight since we ML last night. Seems to be her MO.
One last thing: I mentioned that I may go out today to watch a ball game and she seemed a little upset about it. Didn't say anything just passive aggressive. What gives? If you don't want to be around me then why get upset when I leave?
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
