So I have gone through the standard growing pains of separation, divorce, and reconciliation research and am at a place where I can breath again.
I now have a plan. A life plan. A plan I should have had before I divorced. A plan I should have had before I separated. A plan I should have had before my first marriage. A plan I should have had before I was involved in any relationships. Is it ever too late to finally have a plan? I hope not. I think not.
I know exactly what I want now. I had no idea what I wanted before. Why did I have no idea? Because I never sat down and thought about it. I lived the life that happened to me. I now happen to life, it doesn't happen to me.
I have many, many things that I am now working towards. They are all things I have thought about in the past, all things I thought would be cool, all things I thought I wanted. But that's all I did, I just thought about it.
I am now doing it. And it is hard. Which is why I probably didn't do it before. But the results are also very satisfying. It is so amazing how I see the results of the actions I take. And those results are not always positive or results I want. What I mean is that on a very micro level the up and down of the results really shows how the actions I take matter. They actually make a difference. A small example is my weight. I am 6ft tall and weighed 126lbs 6 or so months ago. I wanted that to change so I started eating 4000 calories a day. I now weigh 140lbs. What is so evidential is that I see how my weight changes within a few days when I do not follow my plan - the plan I mentioned at the top of this thread. When I don't follow my plan and eat less than I should for only a few days I see my body loosing 1-2lbs in a single week. When I get back on my plan and week or two later I gain those 1-2lbs back. When I follow my plan I get to where I want. When I don't follow my plan I get to where I don't want.
My plan also includes finding love again. My plan still includes the potential of finding love with my ex again. But I now know that it will be a very long road. And more importantly I do not need to alter my path for that potential. The path I am on now is not about a final goal of getting back together with her now. She is a part of my path. She is one of the things I want in my life. But she is not the determiner of my happiness. She can be part of that happiness, but she can not determine it.
Please note - and I want to be very clear with this: I have not suddenly woken up and become neutral to the love I have for her. I have not woken up and gone into some state of "I don't love her anymore", "I don't need her anymore", "if she doesn't want to be with me then I don't want to be with her" state of mind.
Not only would that be silly but it would not be honest. I am not in denial for my feelings. To be clear: I love her. I am in love with her. I want us to be part of each others lives again.
As I said above, I want many things and she is one of them. What is different is I am beginning to only feel the love I have for her again and not the hurt. I think that is very important to be able to move on to the next stage in this process and I can't do that with the hurt.
What I have gained and what I really needed was to find out if reconciling with an ex is possible. Now I know it is. It can happen, it does happen. Good. That's beautiful. Will it happen with us? Who knows. I know for sure it won't if I don't continue on this path in my life. I know for sure a lot of things wont happen - I won't continue to gain weight, I won't finish up college, I won't continue to make new friends, I won't continue to be seizure free, I won't be able to keep driving, I won't, I won't I won't...
