So I have gone through the standard growing pains of separation, divorce, and reconciliation research and am at a place where I can breath again.
I now have a plan. A life plan. A plan I should have had before I divorced. A plan I should have had before I separated. A plan I should have had before my first marriage. A plan I should have had before I was involved in any relationships. Is it ever too late to finally have a plan? I hope not. I think not.
I know exactly what I want now. I had no idea what I wanted before. Why did I have no idea? Because I never sat down and thought about it. I lived the life that happened to me. I now happen to life, it doesn't happen to me.
I have many, many things that I am now working towards. They are all things I have thought about in the past, all things I thought would be cool, all things I thought I wanted. But that's all I did, I just thought about it.
I am now doing it. And it is hard. Which is why I probably didn't do it before. But the results are also very satisfying. It is so amazing how I see the results of the actions I take. And those results are not always positive or results I want. What I mean is that on a very micro level the up and down of the results really shows how the actions I take matter. They actually make a difference. A small example is my weight. I am 6ft tall and weighed 126lbs 6 or so months ago. I wanted that to change so I started eating 4000 calories a day. I now weigh 140lbs. What is so evidential is that I see how my weight changes within a few days when I do not follow my plan - the plan I mentioned at the top of this thread. When I don't follow my plan and eat less than I should for only a few days I see my body loosing 1-2lbs in a single week. When I get back on my plan and week or two later I gain those 1-2lbs back. When I follow my plan I get to where I want. When I don't follow my plan I get to where I don't want.
My plan also includes finding love again. My plan still includes the potential of finding love with my ex again. But I now know that it will be a very long road. And more importantly I do not need to alter my path for that potential. The path I am on now is not about a final goal of getting back together with her now. She is a part of my path. She is one of the things I want in my life. But she is not the determiner of my happiness. She can be part of that happiness, but she can not determine it.
Please note - and I want to be very clear with this: I have not suddenly woken up and become neutral to the love I have for her. I have not woken up and gone into some state of "I don't love her anymore", "I don't need her anymore", "if she doesn't want to be with me then I don't want to be with her" state of mind.
Not only would that be silly but it would not be honest. I am not in denial for my feelings. To be clear: I love her. I am in love with her. I want us to be part of each others lives again.
As I said above, I want many things and she is one of them. What is different is I am beginning to only feel the love I have for her again and not the hurt. I think that is very important to be able to move on to the next stage in this process and I can't do that with the hurt.
What I have gained and what I really needed was to find out if reconciling with an ex is possible. Now I know it is. It can happen, it does happen. Good. That's beautiful. Will it happen with us? Who knows. I know for sure it won't if I don't continue on this path in my life. I know for sure a lot of things wont happen - I won't continue to gain weight, I won't finish up college, I won't continue to make new friends, I won't continue to be seizure free, I won't be able to keep driving, I won't, I won't I won't...
I know exactly what I want now. I had no idea what I wanted before. Why did I have no idea? Because I never sat down and thought about it. I lived the life that happened to me. I now happen to life, it doesn't happen to me.
That is a tough, life lesson that some people never learn. That is truly awesome, for you.
Keep remembering that we can change ourselves and control things... we can not control people... what ever happens with X2 or X1 for that matter, will be.
Just continue to make sure that your life plans are about you... changing you... becoming a better person than you already were...
And be sure to eventually allow, rather than force, a place for someone else to join you... whoever... and whenever... that might be...
hey,do you go at the gym?Is you goal gaining muscles or you just eat for gaining kilos?If you are eating 4000 kcal each day you should watch out for your health.
Good point and correct, Nukem. I for sure don't intend to trade one health issue for another. I go to the gym 4 days/week, sometimes 5 - and I bike to the gym and back (I hate cardio so that is the cardio I do). I lift and do yoga. I also check my body fat %age and cholesterol levels. The weight I am gaining is "good" weight. As well, I will not need to stay at 4000cal for ever, just until I get up to my target weight - about 150lbs (that's about 10 more lbs to go). Once I hit that I will drop my calorie consumption to simply maintain my weight rather than to gain any further.
Currently I am also keen on fitness. I am tying Intermittent fasting and Warrior diet as dieting regimen.
But it is interesting to know that yoga usually do 4-6 water fasting days for detoxifying and clearing all body system. It is pretty difficult but IF and WD is a good start. I am telling you this in order to let you know that eating lot of food and supplements (like creatin, amino, etc.) requires a rest for you body. The effect is very sensible.
Keep in mind that that quantity of food is not normal for anybody. In my opinion Fitness is for vanity, the outdoor sport is for health.
Just knocked more thing off the list - just passed my road test and am holding my driver's license for the first time in 20 yrs! Driving to Austin for the weekend!
Ok, so I'll just keep using this like a diary every now and again. I've done it a bit more than usual lately because big, really big, things were happening. As you see in my last post - I passed my road test and got my drivers license. It may seem like no big deal but believe me it is huge. I haven't had a DL in like 15 yrs - but it's so much more than that. It's just one more of those things that I held back from myself thinking it was the right thing to do or that it was no big deal - but it wasn't the "right" thing to do and it was a very big deal. I held myself back with things like this. Why? sometimes I just don't know. Anyway, today was awesome. I drove from San Antonio to Austin and hung out on the river all day. Then when I got back I went grocery shopping and was able to put it all in my jeep rather than calling a cab. Now I'm going to head out again and drive to the gym. And tomorrow I'm joining my hiking group and I'll get to drive to the wildlife area that the hike is at.
It's SO liberating.
Damn, why didn't I do this so long ago?! (rhetorical - or feel free to offer your theory)
Back...here's a question: I have had a little chat here and there with my ex. Nothing about any of "that" stuff. Just a few technical things. Anyway, I am now in a place where I have accepted the divorce, I have worked and continue to work on myself FOR myself, I have connected with my family, friends, back to school, gained weight, bla bla bla. Everything is actually going perfect except for the fact that I'm still in love with my ex. And that's ok, too. I just love her now, I'm not feeling much pain anymore. I have still have my hopes but if I take action on that it won't be for a couple years at earliest. So, the question is: being at the position I'm in now, and in the shape I'm in now - is there really any reason for me to keep posting? Is there any reason for me to stay on this board? Should I keep posting just the regular life stuff? Doesn't really seem that's what the board is for. I guess I could stick around to help others.
You have a different perspective than other people who are here, so you may be able to help others here with a unique insight. That is something you might consider, as it may also help you understand how X2 or X1 may have felt and continue to give you perspective of how you can continue to better yourself, in respect to relationships. DB works with any relationship.
Also, this is part of our lives now, this forum, our history of a moment. That said, who knows what may come in the future. If you would like to continue to post ups and downs in your life, that will remain what this board is for. If that is daily, weekly, or every decade... that's up to you.
