first time & need help still

[nero]

okay-

as i was just "being busy" -it occurs to me, maybe qwhat's bugging me today (aside from rain &dreary) is the realization that

our futures are totally unknown at this moment; our past that we knew and loved so well may have not even been what we thought-

the "old" h or w wwe loved is (possibly? or definitely) gone forever

the "new" (revamped - old h) one we may connect with or not- might not be one we want to connect with... even

so we can db til the cows come home and we may end up with nothin anyway. IF OUR OLD S is truly gone forever and whoever is the replacement is just not going to do...

it's all the uncertainty- on top of a few years of intense uncertainty- that make a girl feel - - well, uncertain

ta da-

oh well huh?

[job]

Dbing is for you and to help you handle your situation. Dbing is a tool that you can use in your day-to-day life. Dbing does work under normal circumstances and it does take a long time to work when dealing w/an mlcer.

Of course there is uncertainty...why? Because the mlcer doesn't know which end is up at any given time. That's why you need to detach and keep the focus on you. You are the only one that can pretty much control your own here and now. No one knows what tomorrow will bring, much less the future. Keep your focus on today. The past is gone and can't be redone, the future is not ours to predict and the present is just what it is...present and we can experience that here and now.

Focus on you!

[albamarie]

Nero- you are coming into yourself leaps and bounds here! But, Snodderly is right this is for you, you feel better it sounds like, you feel better for you! Your h will and can see that in you and watch from under the covers as you blossom. It will be up to him though what he's going to do with this new you.

I'm so glad to hear you feeling better! Spring will be bringing some new blossoms with it in you and me, and I hope other LBS here who struggle. I feel stronger and I do speek out more and share my feelings so I don't get down. I find that if it's about me and not H people respond more.

Turning in for my movie night...I'm starting to enjoy my nights and it helps to not be around H first thing in the morning! Keep moving forward!

[nero]

hey hi-

feel like total cr_p this morning. this h is such a jacka$$ - he cannot act normally when he has (well, whatever it is) stuff gonig on.

my assumption some giant plan or assignation or whatever it is in his brain that prevents him from behaving even somewhat normall.y going around all like some sneaky animal- not exactly cowering round - but not able to talk or look at me or whatever.

i swear- if i make it thru this (whatever the heck "thru" is) i willl be a different person.

i'm kind of sorry about that- i liked who i was - i liked being free to be me - etc.

i don't want to end up a sneaky idiot too - co vering up all the time for fear of - what? getting hurt.? being found out-

i cannot even imagine what is in his head - i am soo disgusted this morning only because of seeing him wierding around the house. there's nothing even big to point to- just his odd-ness.

Yeah- i know you are saying and thinking keep focus on me. i am actually- got up early dressed, makeup, eetc and have plans with a girlfriend whose coming for me in minutes to go to a erly morning market & then doll show- really a morning visit & hang out. (gal? ) yeah, some life huh?

but anyway- i'm on my way out- just spouting off here because of having to deal with this childish and hurtful crap. i resent it- i resent being subjected to it- i resent myself for not having a job this very monmebnt and being out of this stupid sitch which , honestly, i don't deserve and don't feel like doing anymore.

this morning anyway- is this patience

[nero]

hey hi-

had to "run away" from other post before.

i have to laugh at you even using the word "blossom" in the same post with me. i feel like a giant mushroom rotting away in some shady and icky place- leaves & litter all around it- probably stinky to boot....

0h well- get this- at the doll show we run into a girl we used to see every year (mia last couple tho) - we all sell stuff- so she's there, we get chatting- she's teling me about her husband flipping out- ow - she ends up buying a house in NC preparatory to leaving him- somehow - they end up staying together and it is now better than ever - tho - she expresses sadness that a little bit of her is different and she's not as unqualifiedly in love with him as she was to begin with. boy- her spiel was exactly what we all say- she came to most of the conclusions mwd pushes on her own- take care ofself- make it bout her self=- preserve her life and lifestyle- don't just run and end uplonely & poor and unhappy all alone, etc.

SOOOO- HERE IS THIS GIANT SUCCESS STORY - right plopped in my stupid lap this morning - out of the blue. she's telling me and saying that'w where 'SHE GOT LOST TO ' back several years ago - for several years. just allll the junk we're all going tyhru.

don't know what to think- does it give me hope? or resignation? or what? i wish i could feel better about going with my gut- and be sure (i know , i know- no such thing as security in real life) i was doing the rite things and the smart things for me.

i'm still plagued with my "what if's" - what if he is a worthless rat that never was worth the love- & still not. except now i am not blind- what is my excuse now-

oh well- actually feel the need to cl ean this workroom- been here long enough to be a bit focused - rather than just got to town adn in my usual spin -

so i'm going to- you're nice to say i sound good. today and yesterday i felt and sound crazy to myself-

what the heck is it that jewish people say- next year in jerusalem? i keep thinking - next year in ______________ but rite now i can't remember what i filled in there. it was making me laugh in car yesterday- duhhhhyh...

oh well- next year in ____________________(sanity?)

have a good day- i took a little weeny tranquilizer because i was in an evil and internally edgy mood - no wonder i'm feeling better now-

OH MAN- if i ever feel happy and calm in life again- EVER - I WILL NEVER take it for granted. anything other than this miserable upheaval i will never not stop and be grateful for.

no kidding.

xxo hope you're having a good day- i think of you all the time- the knowing _ the dealing with ow in your face (in your town) - i swear- i just don't know how you or any of us do it!!!

BUT HEY- THERE IS THIS NEW GIANT SUCCESS STORY THAT FELL ACROSS MY PATH THIS MORNING- it can work (it's amazing how much she said the same things mwd does!!!)) wtf

[albamarie]

Nero, it's nice that you are still holding hope for something between you and h. I don't have that, the change in him is physical and mental, as well as new habits. Like I said your h has his sense self preservation in tact.

I would be like your story above, there would be something missing, the purity, the innocence of it all, I was 22 when we M, water fights, 2am pizza orders, Christian retreats in Wis. burnt dinners, lots of beach play, and tacos. We could never start over, or pick up where left off, so it would have to be who we have both become today.

Today, I would still pick that guy in the doorway with his jaw dropped, even as the new older me. I would still find the warmth and comfort in someone who is not materialistic, eclectic, and is a nonconformist as myself. But, that guy will never be back inside him, that came from youthful enthusiasm, beliefs, love, and passion, and faith.

A new h would have to redefine his relationship with God, first and foremost, before he could even begin to love himself again. That's a tall order to a man, men seem to have more of a spiritual battle than women, mine at least feels like that. I'm not very informed about all this but I know it changes a man dramatically when he turn his back.

You have a different battle...your h just doesn't want to be pinned down, he wants to be free, for now, when he needs stability, as we all end up needing, then who will be there for him. He has to go through his childhood junk and you cant help him. He not getting any younger...if he doesn't have kids he's looking at some lonely years with out his Nero who would have L him, what do you think?

So, it's about us, we can't change them, so we have to relearn what we want and discover what this changed us needs! We both know it's not them, as they are....so right now that's what we know for sure...it's time to tip the scales to know us again and let them go further and further down, and let them pick up their own pieces.

[nero]

hey dawn -

I would be like your story above, there would be something missing, the purity, the innocence of it all, I was 22 when we M, water fights, 2am pizza orders, Christian retreats in Wis. burnt dinners, lots of beach play, and tacos. We could never start over, or pick up where left off, so it would have to be who we have both become today.

oh mannnnn - you're rite of course. you saying that guy is gone forever- i fear mine is also. he has fun left in him - but not to enjoy with me. he doesn't let himself have fun with me anymore- it all goes elsewhere. i'm sick of seeing that in particular- any stupid old friend or person warrants the old guy coming forth. he withholds him from me. don't know wtf about it-

my h never ever ever had or has or probably will have any sort of spirituality - AT ALL. this guy says he doesn't believe in art, music, poetry or God. Oh man- saying that out loud what a bore he sounds like - i swear- he seemed very very kind and nice. he was for a long time - til he took a big turn- i know it sounds dopey- but stopping smoking was the first sttep down a bad bad road. maybe he only was such a wonderful man on that particular drug- it does calm one down.

if he doesn't have kids he's looking at some lonely years with out his Nero who would have L him, what do you think?

iknow- it's so sad isn't it- to see this from outside it all? i feel sorry and protective and anger all together about h. if he blows this with me- he will deserve what he gets i am sorry to report. perhaps he will just plug in a new woman where i was- and it will all be the same to him- someone to love and serve. no particular note of personality- character, etc. maybe all that i am does not matter one bit. it's a bleak thought- but probably a 50% probability. i hate being realistic- fatalistic, whatever it is. i always thought what we were inside mattered most of all- maybe not.

this gal at the show was telling me that it was a hard decision and she figured that in the end- it would be her all alone - and she wanted to preserve her life as it was as much as possible so she decided she'd "overlook" the ow & try and value him as a companion (if she couldn't have what they'd had) . wow- coming to that on your own- hard hard to do. hence her changed (a bit - FOREVER) feelings - but says he is quite happy to profess his love for her- and their r is good now. i just don't know- it feels like soooooo long and soooo much water under tht bridge. i don't know how "back" we could go. but anyway- it made me feel good to think someone out there in the universe found their way back.

you're sounding more strong than i feel generally. i hate to acknowlege it. i can act as if- but my heart is still an unhappy camper. oh well- i guess that's a given for all this

gotta run

[nero]

so,

anyone have an opinion on the fact that i've just written adn erased my entire "post" three times this morning-

I (very unusually) just don't give a darn and find it all too pointless and boring even to go there.

is this a good sign or a bad one? honestly- just more of the same today and i have no patience for it or hearing myself say it or even think about it.

soooooo- yay or wah? i'm losing my ability to see anything clearly about this- perhaps that's a good thing and dropping all "judgement" or analyzing - or else it's very bad and the judge has ruled & passed sentence?

can't make the call - anyhone have any idea? wtf?..... (how wierd is thta- asking anyone else what the heck is going on in my own head? oh well- .......

[job]

nero,
You sound like you are bouncing off the walls emotionally. Are you okay? Are you allowing your h's behavior to dictate how you feel today? If so, you need to step back just a bit and find something else to focus on. I know it's difficult, especially w/him around, but you are allowing your h's behavior to dictate how you feel...most likely.

Find something fun to do today. Your focus has to be on you and that special fun project. Okay?

[albamarie]

Nero - there is no good are bad way to deal with all of this junk! Do what feels right for you! I know your frustrated but you need to take a step back and not let every day be determined by how your alien is going to act. If you don't want to go there then don't, dont even read this site if your not up to it.

Sometimes I just cant think about dbing or h, nothing that involves a shred of my reality. That's when I go spend some money on something fun, like ice cream! Be kind to Nero, she's had a rough time lately!!!