LIS, I've been thinking about what you wrote. So much of it, I can relate to, too. The perpetual promise for change and then nothing; the finality of it; not having my head in the job game; mostly, just wanting to have peace. I'm glad your family and friends are there to help. I'm not sure mine would be; my H is very charming. Plus, he's not an alcoholic, and I think that label gives other people some instant understanding into your sitch.
I also get the fear of making a mistake. Frankly, I wish I would have been half as fearful when I was getting M'd as I am now. Sometimes people change in M, sometimes they just aren't who you thought they were. My H falls under the second category.
I'm using this time to purge the house, and I see the same thing in the rest of my life -- this hanging onto stuff that's just pointless. Sentimental trash. Something that isn't worth 2 cents to someone else and I'm afraid to throw it away. I'm a bit like a hoarder, like they have on TV but in a mini way. Though if my house was smaller, I would probably be just like them, I simply have room to keep it all. I'm wondering what/why that is, how that carries over to the rest of my life? I can still see thoughts/behaviors where I want to rescue everything/everyone. That's a tough trait to break. It's hard to even want to, because it's a good thing in many ways.
I would love to wipe the slate clean on my life and just pick and choose a few things worth keeping. Then start over fresh with only things in my life that have actual current value or function, living the rest instead. In a way, I need to do that with H, too. I feel like in a way, I'm still trying to hold on to something that is broken and can't be fixed. But like you, I'm afraid of making a mistakes, in case it can still be fixed, somehow....
