Opinions or 2x4's needed....H and I have had little contact lately expect about D or finances. Remember the other week I started this little contact habit and he made statements that he thought I was done trying, and I guess I probably never really answered, I'm not good at verbalizing.
If he's anything like my W was after I started my 180's, he's now really confused and trying to figure out what's going on. I can't speak for everyone in this sitch, but, my W had (and still does) trouble thinking and concentrating as it was. Once I started the 180's it really threw her for a loop. She became the one who was guessing about my actions.
Originally Posted By: Lovemyfamily
But the way things are going now, I feel like I need to let him know that I have not given up, that I am simply giving him space and working on myself, doing things for me. I know the book says no letters - but I feel like I need to let him know a little about where I am. Not a mushy, I miss you, need you etc. Just what I said above - that I am working on me and giving him space.
What I told my W was this: 'I'm giving you space because that's what you have communicated that you need. At the same time I'm changing things about myself that I do not like, for me.' That's pretty much where I left it.
Originally Posted By: Lovemyfamily
Sometimes it seems really odd - almost like he is using DB on me. Or at least he kind of mirrors me.
That wouldn't surprise me. What I noticed about my W was she would try to mimic some of my behaviors. She eventually stopped, I'm guessing because it seemed so unnatural for her state of mind.
Originally Posted By: Lovemyfamily
He did send me a text yesterday that said Happy Valentines day to the best mommy in the world.
That's a plus.
Originally Posted By: Lovemyfamily
So a 180 would be to have more contact. But then in the past year it has been the other way, I was kind of an annoying nag.
There are certainly more qualified people here than I to give advice on this. But, I think would continue the limited contact for bit. Maybe a tweak here and there as necessary to get better results.
Thanks for the replies, Blake. He really does lvoe and want to spend time with D. I wrote the aprt about him not seeing her all weekend on Monday morning, and by that afternoon he was trying to schedule time with her and said he shouldn't go 3 days without seeing her - but made it sound like my fault by adding in that he didn't get to see her Saturday like he had planned. Saturday he was at our house all day working on his car - D and I had church commitments and a baby shower. So by the time we made it home he was gone. So yeah, PARTLY my fault. But what about Sunday?!
It's not that I need to force him to spend time. I'm sorry your stitch is like that. Makes no sense to me. I hate going a day without seeing my D's smiling face.
I do think he is confused - but I just don't want him to think I've given up. I like your approach.
Would love to hear what some of the veterans think
I guess I should clarify here; this was about a year ago when my W wouldn't even spend time with her D's. My grandmother died in January and the D's and I were leaving to go back to Ohio for her funeral. W was staying behind to get her new restaurant ready to open. W wouldn't go out to dinner with us as a group or alojne with her D's - said her business partner has them on a schedule she can't deviate from. This almost caused a huge fight between her partner and I - but I let it go. She later told our middle D that she didn't got out because of me.
She spent from January to May spending little to no time with our D's, unless I creatively arranged it. It's MUCH better now as she does spend good, quality time with them.
And it's good to see that your H is trying in some part to see your D. Yes, my W tried to blame me as well. The important thing is to not get dragged into a fight about it - which was very difficult for me at the time.
Originally Posted By: Lovemyfamily
But what about Sunday?!
Don't try to think logically about these issues - you'll only drive yourself crazy. From what I've experienced, logic does not exist in this world...
Today he is back to talking about looking for somewhere else to live (he's still at his parents). I just said if that's what you need to do, just know that if will be even more of a financial strain. He said he is aware (where I wanted to reply no, really you aren't, because I handle all the bills). He then said 'gotta do something, can't live there forever' I have not replied. We all know what I really want to reply - uh, man up and come home. But anyway. I can't put what I really want to say here!
We will be poor if he needs to pay rent. I can afford the house we live in on my own - provided he takes his car payment (which makes me nervous since my name is on it) Sometimes I do just want to quit having his check come into our account and let him figure it all out on his own. But without filing he would not be required to pay child support. And I think everything needs to stay in place until decisions are made.
I also feel he is fishing for reactions again. He's talked about this a few times.
I am so tired of being accused of 'dating'. H had D last night and when he picked her up asked if I was going out for an adult evening. I just said yes without elaborating. He did offer to come pick me up if I needed a ride, which was nice of him.
So I'm having dinner and drinks - with my cousins and their bf/gf's - that's it! H texts me about a bday party today and I guess I didn't answer fast enough - he writes to let him know when I can take a date from my date. Geez. I still wear my ring - I am well aware that I am married. Maybe he should worry about himself.
Still feel I need to lay some things out for him - about me working on myself and giving him space. While I don't think I need to lay out my plans for him all of the time, I don't want him to think I am dating and that it is ok for him to at all.
Still feel I need to lay some things out for him - about me working on myself and giving him space. While I don't think I need to lay out my plans for him all of the time, I don't want him to think I am dating and that it is ok for him to at all.
I don't think you should have to explain yourself in too much detail - you still want to remain mysterious to make HIM think about what's going on.
There's nothing wrong with setting boundaries - they are very important. You are both still married and unless you have both agreed that it's okay to date other people, it needs to be explained to him in that manner - but keep it nice and civil, regardless of how he reacts.
At one point my W accused me of seeing someone even though there was no way possible I could have (every hour of my day was occupied). I flat told her I was not seeing anyone, but, if she chose to believe that I was, it was totally on her to do so. Dealing with a WAS is no fun - it almost caused me to walk away several times. So I definitely feel for you and your sitch.
Sometimes I think they want to believe that to make themselves feel better or to further justify their leaving. Or maybe to justify their other person. I don't know if he has OW.
But exactly - when would I have time for that!!
Him and I have talked about still being 'married' before but I suppose we need to have the conversation again. What was funny is that I told him that loooong ago and then a month or so later, when he he started looking at my phone records HE is the one saying we are still married. Uh duh.
I keep plenty busy but sometimes all of this is like another part time job.
Having one of those strange days where you are ok with the situation, kind of, but the other part of you keeps asking why the H can do this to the family? Why set our daughter up for a life of choosing between parents and all that goes with it (my parents divorced when I was about 6, so I know how it goes, even with having 2 loving parents) - why do this when it seems like it's just because f a power struggle between us, being stubborn, etc?
I've really tried to be understanding about so much. Letting him help with decisions, etc. I feel like I've given a lot. And lately we just seem further apart, mostly since I went a little more dark. So partly my 'fault' but now there is little conversation, no hugs. I still have not spoke with him about things I brought up in previous posts that I want to talk to him about. Feel like I need to set up a time for us to 'talk' but that goes against all of this. Thoughts?
I found out yesterday how much we are getting back on taxes. Not a lot, but more than usual. I told him and he actually said to put it towards a credit card - I was shocked. But then today he comes to pick up D and says, oh, how about buying a tablet for me so he can take the MacBook? That way he wouldn't be running his data plan over each month. Uh, how about not!! I was just kind of quiet and he said I guess you don't agree. I said not really. But that he could use the computer, take it with him, sometimes. I have to have it for my side business - but not every night. And there are 2 computers at his parents. I swear he spends his evenings in the dungeon of his basement bedroom at his parents on his phone. Go do something! Guess that is when he isn't at practice with one of 3 bands - and another group that he told me yesterday he jams with - because his other bands don't practice enough - now that made me giggle.
Needed to vent a little. Just feeling like this is all going no where.
