Busting, Thanks for dropping by, I hope you are OK.
I know I need to "let my mind rule" over my emotions.
The latest incident involving stbx going to my kids' schools and spinning a version that has us as 'the problem' makes me fume.
I feel like things are getting right out of touch with reality. And then the point comes where you start to doubt your own mind.
STBX's versions of things are so far removed from my experience of what has happened that I'm not sure how to cope in situations where I need to give an alternative account of what is going on (e.g., to my lawyer, to the kids' schools).
When i try to formulate a version of what has happened, it sounds so unbelievable that i can't imagine that anyone would credit it. If I can't believe that my H would do such things, how would anyone else?
My mother believes me (although she still can't reconcile his actions with the man she thought he was), but most others who know a little of the story look at me sideways with disbelief.
I will be D-ed in a matter of weeks now. The process is quick and automatic once the papers have been filed. Still seems like it's a dream in some respects.
Reminds me of the famed process wherein all an H has to do is say, "I D you", 3 times and the deed is done.
I'm sorry to hear that you are in s similar financial situation. You're right, we will survive this.
Hope is getting me through now - but it's the small hope that some justice might come out of the court process. Dangerous, I know.
I keep coming back in my posts to the injustice that I feel through all of this. The unfairness of what we are suffering through while stbx lives it up and broadcasts a story that paints me and the kids as the bad guys.
Any advice on how to deal with my feelings in this regard gratefully accepted.
What if the school doesn't get to know/believe what's what?
The niece and nephew involved come from a prominent, influential 'founding' family in our town. The school's interest would be in siding with a version that indicates they might be at risk from me and my kids. Heck, we can't even pay the school fees any more....
My Daughter recently missed out on being nominated as head girl for her House at school. She was the prime candidate (in terms of length of time at the school, sports and musical achievement, community service, etc). But she was passed over. Everyone thought it was a foregone conclusion that she would get the position. When it didn't happen she was devastated. I'm now beginning to put 2 and 2 together.
To answer your question, I told the kids I'd go and speak to their schools. D17 said she would also speak to her HOH to ask what her father had been saying about things. She wants to set the record straight, as it were.
I have been puzzled by stbx's recent focus on turning things bitter.
It helps to think that I am stuck in a game of chess at the moment.
I do document everything.
I need to keep calm, keep strategic and have faith in the process. Most of all I need to keep my head.
I need to protect myself (and stop being a victim - as labug says).
Please feel free to keep me on track ANYTIME.
Let me re-phrase that in case you didn't get it! Please continue to help me out by posting. Your perspective and experience really helps me to see things in a better light.
[this is a great opportunity to prove H wrong by showing everyone that you will not be pulled in or provoked by his actions. i remember being worried too about what my W was telling everyone.... but since then i have realized that people are smarter than i was giving them credit for, and that the truth becomes apparent. let your actions speak volumes of how you are handling this with dignity and grace, NLW. i know it is hard, but you will feel so strong as you triumph over this.
Thanks for this great advice and for the benefit of your hard-won experience.
I hope that people are smarter than i am giving them credit for.
My thoughts fly to the easy charm and 'niceness' that stbx projects. It's how he gets away with what he does. He's everybody's friend, a great guy....he [censored] people in.
Basically, the truth will out, though, as you say. If not, then maybe I have been wrong about him. I just need to stick to my own path and uphold my own values. Being provoked by him does nothing for me; I will not play his/their game.
I believe in letting people flush out their feelings. I think it is so very important. So my "advice" comes from a loving place... more like trying to take you by the hand and lead you out of this dark place.
You said, "I keep coming back in my posts to the injustice that I feel through all of this. The unfairness of what we are suffering through while stbx lives it up and broadcasts a story that paints me and the kids as the bad guys."
Sweetie, it is waaaaayyyyyy too early in the game for you to be talking about "injustice." Let's you and I have a chat about that at the end of our lives... you keep those hands clean and you continue to focus on protecting yourself, I will bet EVERY SINGLE THING I OWN that you will have your "justice."
Your H and OW have engaged in a dangerous game. They cheated, they lied, they have inflicted unneeded pain on others. That will come back to bite them. Your children will never have the same R with H again. That will bite him. Your children will never accept OW because of the way she was presented, that will bite the both of them. They will ALWAYS have trust issues with one another because of the way their R came about. That will bite the both of them. They have both lost a friend. That will bite them. Shall I go on? Justice? You will have it.
What your picture looks like is up to you. You can walk away knowing DESPITE WHAT YOUR H SAYS, that you were classy. You can walk away with a stronger R with your children. You can walk away a better person than you were before because you got an education of a lifetime. You may find yourself in a stronger R than you were before. You certainly are preparing yourself for that with all the introspection you have. Maybe you will cruise the seas with a wonderful man who thinks you are about the greatest thing that ever walked the face of this great earth. Maybe you find someone that you connect with on a level you never thought was possible. I don't know what your future is, but I DO know that what you do now will shape it. You are doing the RIGHT things. Just keep going. I know you are scared and it hurts like he!! and the tunnel is so damn dark but the only way out is to just keep going. Justice will take care of itself. That isn't your concern.
"The line it is drawn And the curse it is cast The slow one now Will later be fast
As the present now Will later be past The order is Rapidly fadin'
And the first one now Will later be last For the times they are a-changin'"
NLW, your life is absolutely changing. I know you feel real low, but this will not last forever. I know this is small comfort at the moment. But take solace, the sun will come up again and shine upon you! This is not your life. This is right now. Tears fall as I write this because I know the unbelievable pain. I'm in it right now. But I know that we are going to walk out of this.
To answer your qu: I am ashamed and humiliated by what stbx is doing.
I am not ashamed of my own actions. Perhaps i should be, but I feel like I have done little to be ashamed of.
What am I really afraid of - stbx getting away with every asset that the kids, my parents' and I once owned. Leaving us destitute.
The prom went well - in the sense that D17 looked gorgeous and had a good time.
She arranged with MIL to get their more up-market car to ferry her and her date to the before-party.
This worked well because it meant MIL and FIL both had to drop by to deliver the car (so I could drive D17 to the before-party, that parents were attending, too).
So she had someone else other than me and S14 to oohh and ahhh over her!
Her father was MIA, even though she had begged him to let us drive our family car to pick up her date (a boy she hadn't met before the night). He had refused and this is when MIL stepped in to offer her car.
At the party, I felt a bit like a sore thumb. Everyone else was there with respective spouses. No-one mentioned stbx to me so i presume they all know.
I try to focus, on occasions like these, on experiencing the moment, because i find it all too easy to zone out into a state of dwelling on how awful it is that stbx is missing the occasion. And worrying about how diminished the event is for D17... and so on. Have to fight against this all the time - still!
Took S14 to rowing this morning and his crew won another gold medal in their school boy event. He is so pleased and proud.
We all came home and crashed on sofas/beds. Totally exhausted.
