So quick recap on last weeks events - W told me she was desperate for a feeling of love or hope towards me to work on marriage. She told me sees I have changed and she is very conflicted because it is all hurting our son so much. Also said she would contact her lawyer and cancel divorce proceedings - she said we might as well just wait the 2 years so no one needs to be blamed.
She left the house sobbing and promising to keep communication going. All I have had since is cold, short text messages until today when I received an email:
"I just wanted to let you know I have thought about what you have said. Sunday I am taking myself away for the day to have time away from everyone and everything. Time to think and reflect on all that is happening. I hope you can respect this and give me the time you say we have. I had a long talk with Son last night as he just opened up to me about things. He wanted lots of reassurance that I still loved him and that you still loved him. I had a picture book with a story in about a little boy like Son. I read it to him and he just talked about how he felt sad and missed us being together. He said it is different now. He likes daddy days and mummy days."
Wondering what I should be making of this - it's very difficult not to over think it.
Any thoughts or opinions would be greatly appreciated as always...
W 39 Me 33 M 9yrs 8 year old Son ILYBINILWY - Dec 12 W moved out - Jan 2013 OM - Jan 2013 I file for D - May 2013
Overthinking it won't help you. However, it is better that than pushing her to talk or make any kind of decisions. Don't take her temperature to find out where she is or anything. Keep quiet. Let her bring it up when she is ready. If that's a year from now.....so be it.
Use the time wisely, to work on yourself and help your son.
A word of caution when talking with her about how your son is doing, it can come across as blame. Even if you don't mean it that way, her gulit may take it that way and it can push them away.
Thank you grace - about our son, that email was from her to me - all our conversations regarding him have been very civil and I've made sure not to direct blame.
W 39 Me 33 M 9yrs 8 year old Son ILYBINILWY - Dec 12 W moved out - Jan 2013 OM - Jan 2013 I file for D - May 2013
So quick recap on last weeks events - W told me she was desperate for a feeling of love or hope towards me to work on marriage. She told me sees I have changed and she is very conflicted because it is all hurting our son so much. Also said she would contact her lawyer and cancel divorce proceedings - she said we might as well just wait the 2 years so no one needs to be blamed.
Those are good signs. Just don't try to hurry things along, she just left last month so this could just be the pursuit/ distance dynamic taking place. Just keep your DB'ing going and give her space.
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She left the house sobbing and promising to keep communication going. All I have had since is cold, short text messages until today when I received an email
That too is consistent with pursuit/ distance.
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Wondering what I should be making of this - it's very difficult not to over think it.
I agree with everything Grace said, don't make anything of it, just maintain distance and let your W work things through at her pace. Do you know the squirrel analogy? Think of it like that:
If you try to feed a squirrel by hand, you have to hold perfectly still. It will slowly come to you, but even if you don't move, it will sometimes get scared and retreat. But it will return and get a little closer each time. If you get impatient and make any move towards it, it will quickly run the other way and the entire process starts all over again from the beginning. But if you remain patient, it will come closer and closer until it will finally take the food from you.
So quick recap on last weeks events - W told me she was desperate for a feeling of love or hope towards me to work on marriage. She told me sees I have changed and she is very conflicted because it is all hurting our son so much. Also said she would contact her lawyer and cancel divorce proceedings - she said we might as well just wait the 2 years so no one needs to be blamed.
Those are good signs. Just don't try to hurry things along, she just left last month so this could just be the pursuit/ distance dynamic taking place. Just keep your DB'ing going and give her space.
Quote:
She left the house sobbing and promising to keep communication going. All I have had since is cold, short text messages until today when I received an email
That too is consistent with pursuit/ distance.
Quote:
Wondering what I should be making of this - it's very difficult not to over think it.
I agree with everything Grace said, don't make anything of it, just maintain distance and let your W work things through at her pace. Do you know the squirrel analogy? Think of it like that:
If you try to feed a squirrel by hand, you have to hold perfectly still. It will slowly come to you, but even if you don't move, it will sometimes get scared and retreat. But it will return and get a little closer each time. If you get impatient and make any move towards it, it will quickly run the other way and the entire process starts all over again from the beginning. But if you remain patient, it will come closer and closer until it will finally take the food from you.
Thank you for the advice - your words always mean a lot too me as your story is really inspirational.
W 39 Me 33 M 9yrs 8 year old Son ILYBINILWY - Dec 12 W moved out - Jan 2013 OM - Jan 2013 I file for D - May 2013
The more anxious you are about Sunday the harder it will be and that kind of anxiety or tension they spot like a red flag. If you can work out first and take the edge off, it might be helpful.
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I've made sure not to direct blame.
That's great. I was not referring to direct blame though. In looking back I can see where I said things were taken as indirect blame. Was some of it his own guilt and shame? Sure. I could have been more aware though. Just sayin.
The more anxious you are about Sunday the harder it will be and that kind of anxiety or tension they spot like a red flag. If you can work out first and take the edge off, it might be helpful.
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I've made sure not to direct blame.
That's great. I was not referring to direct blame though. In looking back I can see where I said things were taken as indirect blame. Was some of it his own guilt and shame? Sure. I could have been more aware though. Just sayin.
HUGS
Yes you're right thank you... Truth s though its impossible not to think about it.
But I've been here a few times - she goes away to "think" about things but the outcome is always the same "can't come back" "don't love you" etc no reason to believe its going to be any different this time.
W 39 Me 33 M 9yrs 8 year old Son ILYBINILWY - Dec 12 W moved out - Jan 2013 OM - Jan 2013 I file for D - May 2013
