Keeping my wife from walking out

[25yearsmlc]

Its amazing how effective proper validation can be with a WAS. Its hard to demonize someone who is just mirroring and emphasizing with you.

Agreed.

However, one issue that happens a lot right about now is once you start validating their feelings, the WAS will then start looking for validation of their plans and actions.

NOT so sure about this^^. I think the more you validate (appropriately) the more you UNDERMINE their negative views of you. The smaller the reason they have for leaving you...


In your case, her thinking might be that if you agree that its soooooo sad that she is homesick with no chance to reconnect with OM, then she will think you must also agree that the best course of action is for you to pay her alimony while she goes back to her home country for her OM, I mean education.

Aside from the negative mind reading confusion that this^^ creates, I don't believe it follows anyhow. At least NOT if he's doing the validation correctly. Validation is NOT agreement. Be clear about that. It means you HEAR her and you SEE her point of view, NOT that you hold that point of view, just that you can see it's hers...for now.

And her views, like yours, can change/evolve.



Ive seen people start moving from validating to bargaining before they even realize it.

Not sure what this^^ means or how it applies to this situation. I know I'm not suggesting that he "bargain" w/her.


The trick is sticking with your boundaries on facts and actions while validating her feelings. Agree with her that it must be really tough for her, but dont even discuss plans that are unacceptable to you. Im not an expert in validation, but from negotiating experience things like 'I' statements for validating and passive voice and 'we' for expressing boundaries can work well - eg "I understand this is difficult for you...the kids cant leave the country right now; I know not getting to do XX right now is difficult for you...we cant afford to do XX".

When did she say she wanted to take the kids for good to her country? And btw, if she wants to take them, I'm NOT advising you to do so. I AM advising you to see a lawyer BEFORE any plans are made.

Most countries, but not all, have reciprocity to allow exchanges with the kids. If you are granted half or joint custody, and if the country in question has that agreement in place, you can make it enforceable. As in, in THEIR country it gets enforced. My SIL did this years ago and helped pass the relevant legislation, by going on TV and in front of Congress, testifying about how hard it is to enforce an agreement from OUR nation, in anothers. But that has changed with certain countries. Is she from the middle East? That's harder...

But it IS a problem easily avoided by NOT allowing the kids to go overseas without any agreement in force...if she abducts the kids, well, is that even a realistic fear? Fade, Why are we going there?

Oh, and whatever you do, don't you even entertain the thought of letting her take your kids out of the country! The kids passports should be at your relative's house and they should be on the do no fly registry ASAP.


this^^ sounds provoking and a bit over the top to me. Just mho.

Get custody orders written up so they can be immediately filed if you sense something is up.

What? There are NO orders "written up" if they are not also filed w/a court--or they're NOT enforceable.

So, are you advising him to get a "practice agreement" she has NOT agreed to, OR for him to file for a separation, or divorce or what?? I'm confused.

It might be hard for you to come to grips with this notion, but if she gets them to her home country, they are never coming back.

SIGH...that depends.

I concede it makes it harder but as a L, I can say it does DEPEND...on the nation, on the agreement, on the ages of the children and what they want and how disruptive it'd be for them to move there OR back here...

IMO, This is a lot of fear projection.