I watched a movie called Fireproof last night, it was recommended by my h friend who wants to see us in repair. It is a Christian based movie with Kirk Cameron, come your old enough, from Growing Pains, about a couple going downhill fast in their marriage.
It left me with some mixed emotions, one because I feel I tried some of those things and two because my h shows no want, need, remorse, effort.....! In my faith there is apart of me that knows things happen at Gods pace and in the most unlikely, as well as unrecognizable, places and times. But, in my heart I feel abandoned so I have turned my heart cold to h, and lost all hope, even convincing myself, I don't want hope!
This movie brought some of those feelings of Gods Will back, and the feelings that we are here, with these kids, grand kid on the way, and how could this be all for nothing in the end. I want nothing more than to never see my h's face again...but I know that's not right, but I'm soo hurt, I don't care! I find myself daily wishing he would make me a widow, than praying for my bad thoughts.
This movie of course was not dealing with MLC, or even depression, but the hurt and betrail all seems to go to the same place. How is it that I'm the one for a year now putting my marriage in His hands, when my h was the one who truly new Him?
Anyway, if anyone is interested there it is. The movie was free as a torrent download....if you know what that is than you know how to do it. Otherwise, it's on amazon or I'm sure easy enough to find.
I have been reading the 5 languages of L and it at least has helped me in my other relationships, and I am passing it to my S21 who needs to work on his sitch as an unmarried F to be, to maybe see if there is a chance for M down the line for them.
I do use the L language with my h but for now I am really faking it....I guess that's fine as lone as he doesn't know! Wheat do they say....if you fake something long enough it may become real, like smiling when your down!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
