Time For Me (Part 2)

[Spartan]

Cat - Thanks for taking a look at my thread and posting. Yes I have read many of the old threads you've posted in and I won't lie, I puckered up just a little when I saw your name in my thread but I'm very happy to see it .

So what is your plan when they do decide to rear their ugly head?

One thing I realize is I can't control fear, as you said all I can control is how I react to that thought. The book 'The Happiness Trap' discusses the concept of ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy) which discusses many concepts for either diffusing negative thoughts (which fear is) or accepting that they are there and letting them pass. Instead of dwelling on the fear and letting it affect my attitude or decision making process I expect to acknowledge it's there but not let that alone direct me. I'll look at the potential outcome of my choice and if it's healthy I will proceed, whether I'm afraid of something or not.
For example: in past I've let things bother me that I don't bring up with someone because the fear of confronting them stopped me. Guess what, I then became resentful to them and something little festers into something ugly. If I would have looked at outcomes I would have realized that one of 3 things could happen, (1) I say my peace and they understand and life goes on, (2) I say my peace, they don't understand and may get upset for a little bit and life goes on, or (3) I don't say anything, the issue festers and a blow up occurs later. Fear drove me to (3) way too many times but I wouldn't have chosen that if I would have thought it through first. Obviously this is all good theoretically, I just have to start living it and I'm taking steps since realizing it the last couple weeks.

How do you define it (love) now?

How are you showing it? Or how will you show it?

This means a lot of things to me now which I wish I would have thought about earlier in life. Problem is I honestly wasn't ready earlier in my life to "get it".
Love (with regards to W): It means to listen, understand, and emphasize with her feelings. It means not trying to control her but to let her live her life. It means to support her and build her up rather than break her down. It means being honest, faithful, and open with her. It means to forgive the past and hold no grudges and keep no scorecards. It means to trust her. It means putting her needs ahead of my own while keeping healthy boundaries for myself. It means to not give up on her

The changes have to be for YOU. They have to be things that you really want to change. Sometimes they fall in line with our S's complaints. Sometimes they don't.

In my opinion the last sentence doesn't get discussed enough. Many of the changes our spouses complain about are likely flaws with us and are things that need to be changed to make us better but some aren't. Almost every thread (and I'm guilty of it too) talks only about what we need to change to make our spouses happy. Well guess what, some things she wants me to change won't, or haven't, made me happy and I'm done with that. Not to play the victim card here, because I decided to do them, but a lot of my changes during my life have been done for her or others approval and were never real to me. Now I'm learning who I am and I'm doing the healthy things that I want to do (i.e. acting like a kid with my S4 having a sword fight while talking like pirates in the store last night ). This isn't out of spite or going against what anyone wants just to rebel, it's doing things that make me happy and be the man I want to be. Oh yeah little side note, W showed up at store and saw us fighting with wigs and pirate hats on and started laughing like crazy. This is definitely more like the person I used to be so maybe being the person I want to be will end up being who she wants. Hopefully yes but if not I'm ok with it as long as I'm true to myself.

Do you realize that friendship, should be the basis of any good and solid relationship? That it isn't a bad thing for you to become friends with her again?

It doesn't mean that reconciliation is a guaranteed outcome, but it is a first step in any relationship and in a couple's relationship, it is an extremely important part to maintain.

This is an emphatic YES and I'm hoping we can become best friends again. Over the years our friendship deteriorated, along with our M, and we became more co-parents living together. When I bring up being friends I'm not implying that this is a negative in any way. While I'm REALLY hoping to move to the 'friends with benefits' phase soon I'm not at all upset to be friends with her again. She has recently said that we have always been great friends but it's the other BS that gets in the way of the M so D is the answer. My previous response was to say that being friends should be the basis for a M and 'the other BS' can be worked on. Now I don't argue it and I'm just letting my actions do the talking (or listening so to speak).

I can't say for sure if anything has truly changed the M sitch, but, everybody in the house is getting along better and actually being more positive about the future.

Sounds like you're on the right track. I'll give your sitch a read when I get back from my cruise.


See you guys in a week, queue music from The Lonely Island band..."I'm on a boat"