I thank you for your help and patience with me, CV. Been sitting here thinking a lot. Yes, the material things don't mean much... it's the experiences. Just babbling with a friend today and that really hit me. I sit here comfortable with money and completely miserable. I just worry about getting out, being completely miserable with no money - hahahahha.
Meeting people with the same interests - hmmmm I could do that... it's getting over the shyness.
H called and wants to talk. I already know where this is going. The plan was for me to leave here this weekend and he's flipping out again. He says he loves me. You know, CV, in some ways I wish he would just say, "listen, we need to end this. I'm never going to be what you want or love you the way you need," and just be done with it. It's hard when the message is, "I love you and I want and need you to stay. I'm going to change, I swear," and then nothing changes. Today's message was "I need you not to give up on me." It's not fair. It's just not fair.
I am in full on panic at this point. And I couldn't put my finger on it but my friend told me that finality is hitting me. And I guess that makes sense as much as anything else. I feel all alone yet I feel somewhat safe that the people who know me and love me are rushing in at this point. But I can't help but feeling that they too are starting to see the finality of all of it. I liken it to being on your deathbed. You know you're a goner when everyone starts surrounding your bed.
I'm tired, CV. I'm so tired. I'm tired of the drama. I lived such a happy and peaceful life. My H and I barely fought and it wasn't because we didn't disagree or were dispassionate (no one would say that about me - lol). It's just that I was very happy and craved peace. Just didn't find most things worth arguing about. There was never drama. My life has been nothing but drama for 2 1/2 years and I'm tired. I sleep a lot these days which I haven't really done before. And I'm frightened about leaving and having to find a job because my head is not in the game. But my family seems ready for that given their latest speeches to me. I need to have faith in myself, though. And if there is one thing I've lost in the middle of this mess, it's faith in myself. My therapist said it is probably the single biggest problem I have right now... I don't believe in myself anymore. I have got to get that back.
