Wife privileges reinstated, back in my own bed!

[mamabird]

I am on the alt.

My main issue at the moment is trying to break the pattern of feelin like H does not have my back. My IC has centered around the struggles that I have in the M. I am pretty dissatisfied. Many of you have commented that I act like the WAS. I am having trouble getting back to that whoo hoo place...

I do do some pro bono work and that has been pretty fulfilling, but I don't feel a lot of partnership at home and that is what troubles me.

[mamabird]

H wanted to buy me something in Italy because he said I deserved something nice for handling the kids and everything for 2 weeks. I told him I just wanted him to be more involved with everything at home so I could feel like we were both on the same team.

[Breakdown]

Careful Regret....that sounds like you're almost setting yourself up. Even though the page has turned and you are in a new chapter, I think you've got to continue to DB. Be happy, smile, laugh, enjoy life. Don't get tied up in the timing of things.

I think it's really awesome that your H recognized how much work you did so he could go on this trip. His effort to buy you something was his way to say "thank you." I think that was a positive. You telling him you want him to "be more involved" sounds like a negative. I'd try to steer clear from those for a while.

Otherwise, how are you feeling? Are you staying busy? How's life with H away?

[mamabird]

H got back this afternoon. I need to remember to take this day by day and to try to lower my expectations. I realize I have a long list of stuff I was pretty dissatisfied with, and the key is not to dump that list on him - and also to not get too caught up in it myself. I have been reading Gottman while's he's been away and it's just kind of reinforced my thoughts about the things that haven't been right in the M.

That said, I have some good news on the financial situation - I think we are going to be able to refinance our mortgage finally with a decent home equity line to boot, so that should ease our debt burden considerably. And this I think will help the tension...

[Wendylon]

RegretfulLA, that's great news about being able to refinance your mortgage.

I'm sure there are lots of things that aren't right in your M (as there are in mine!) but make sure you focus on what you can change and not on what he needs to do differently for now.

I hope re-entry wasn't too hard on both of you. I know that I find the initial times back together after one of us has been away difficult.

[mamabird]

Hi Wendy,
Thanks for checking in. Re-entry wasn't bad, but to be fair I wasn't expecting a whole lot. But I'm really trying to be more mindful and keep my emotions in check so that I can be "receptive" vs. "reactive".

We did have an interesting conversation about money - I tend to have anxiety about it and he tends to have a more positive or long-reaching outlook, and those things should complement each other. But what I realized is that while our personalities and strengths complement each other, we have fallen into this pattern of seeing the other's strength as a weakness. He agreed when I told him that.

Today in MC H told the therapist that he thought we always had an "assumed intimacy" which had just run its course. I think that makes a lot of sense.

I'm still feeling a little bit numb about the R in general. I don't have a lot of energy to put into it at the moment. I'm not feeling bad or good about it; just kind of neutral as if I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Not sure why that is. I guess I was so used to not being treated well that I a) expect it and b) think at some level that I deserve it. So not healthy.

[Breakdown]

Sounds like you two are starting to communicate better, and that's a very good thing!

I'm still feeling a little bit numb about the R in general. I don't have a lot of energy to put into it at the moment. I'm not feeling bad or good about it; just kind of neutral as if I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Not sure why that is.

I think the wave analogy is probably the way to go at this point. Your H is just starting to work thru things on his side....be patient and keep working on you. It's going to take a lot of time.

I guess I was so used to not being treated well that I a) expect it and b) think at some level that I deserve it. So not healthy.

To an extent, that is where my W is. Her IC (who I don't think is spectacular based on everything I've heard) told her she is "conditioned" to expect a fight, for me to be angry, etc etc. W even went so far as to tell me she didn't take the job of her dreams a few years ago because she was "conditioned" to think I'd disapprove (and we discussed it briefly and I think I was pretty positive about it...anything to get her away from OM lol). I agree with conditioning to a point, but at some point you have to stand up and take responsibility for your own actions.

[mamabird]

Well H put his wedding ring back on. Happy Valentine's Day to me. I didn't say anything to him about putting it back on. He just did it. Hooray!

[Breakdown]

Well H put his wedding ring back on. Happy Valentine's Day to me. I didn't say anything to him about putting it back on. He just did it. Hooray!

Happy Valentines! That's awesome. It's going to be a slow process, but enjoy the journey!

[mamabird]

Thanks Breakdown. Good luck on your upcoming court date.