(i just blipped up here from botom of this - wherei'm saying what if this and what if that- and i'm hearing (i think t sq) in my head saying - suck it up sister- look at him- THIS IS what he is- this is who he is - that old guy is gone forever) wah wah - hick hick ....) WHAT IF this is true? & rite?
so back to beginning:
when i met and loved and knew this guy- he went to work every day. here is what i fear & wonder too. (not to add too much new goop to my list of worries)
WHAT IF - this is who he is and was always goign to be? what if he is just becoming his father that he hated so much? prissy, anal - all about ME - critical like mad - nothing good enough for him or pleases him. the opposite of the guy i used to say" he's sooo calm- he chills me out when i'm so worry-wort & frantic?)????!!!! and he was 'SWEET _- no kidding.
WHAT IF he was that LOVELY LOVELY MAN only because he smoked and on that particular drug he was that person??? what if the person he ws who smoked and changed when he stopped and h as never returned fully to- is really really DEAD. AS IN RIP???
what if that is gone forever???? what if i only knew him in the evenings and weekends after work and that is only when he is nice- what if he is a jerk all day every day (according to office people- he was quiet and keep to self and rude-ish to everyone) immersed in head). what if htat guy is him and i never ever knew???
WHAT IF the man i loved does not exist and never did. what if it was alllll in my head. what if he went up with the last bit of smoke and i am totally delusional about it all???
i know everyone says if it was wonderful and good - hang on to that- do not second guess what you knew?
BUT what if i always had that wierdly slanted and limited exposure and never just really got my head out of the clouds enough to REALLY SEE what and who he was?
holy crow - that's it - back to get busy now - and shut brain off/up.
