hi anyone- just journaling i guess - ranting - call it what you will.
i just feel like "saying out loud" to someone that i hate the frustration i feel. i know i am waaay more in control (of my emotions anyway) today than a year ago. i feel badly that i am not totally "cured" and well on my way into a new life.
i know we need to have patience - God knows how amazingly more patient i am than i've ever ever even dreamed in life. I find myself tho, sooooo intolerate (in my head & heart)of the bad moods & uncommunicative-ness of my h. and, it's not even big and giant and bamming me on the head. it's his casual keep to self-ing that is soooo unlike the guy i used to love so easily.
I can only marvel that back when i was soooooo sure of his love and that our caring for each other would ultimately win out over any problems that came along (dopey dopey me) -
i'd just overlook this junk quite easily. NOW - because of what i know about him and THE REAL CAUSE OF HIS grumpyness - it's soooo intolerable. My "understanding" has dried up and become my "suspicious knowledge". it's awful- to see yourself kind of losing (a bit) your understanding and compassion.
i don't want to just become a person all wrapped up in ME ME ME. i can see the things i DID WRONG. (i can even see im more comfortable in life if i can take the blame - it's so me and my comfort zone) I dont like knowing this man has flaws. does that one realization make me nuts?? or what?
i didn't know then that what i thought was soooo strong (love) could be soooo , what? delicate. i assumed everyone's (his) was like mine- a hide like a rhino. i THOUGHT nothing could shake my devotion- and look - here i am, my "love" all nearly dead and dying and me not even able to fathom feeling what i did. some "thick or thin" for me huh? and why? i could tolerate ANYTHING , EXCEPT this ow stuff has me down - truly. it was always the one thing i never THOUGHT i could stand - "sharing - - that". ...
and intellectually - why? don't know- don't want to know- it would seem it just is what it is- what i feel - what i keep coming back to. sharing the affection, love , sex - or really, handing that over nicely to someone else ? knowing i'm sitting here with NOTHIN and it's going somewhere else.
i'm just not able to be gracious or understanding. i exist here - i'm nice enough i guess - i'm not screaming or demanding or talkign or anything about it- (but that doesn't mean i don't FEEL it all)
i don't make any sudden moves because i don't trust him and i don't trust me. it's come to that - suspect of everyone's heart.
oh well- i can see this is more an open-ended - no answer kind of thing- i'm just calmly wierded out by it and how icky it all is.
gong to go get busy and forget thinking this unproductive stuff and hope mood lifts- ta da.... if i ever really am THRU with this all- oh man - the sleep & mental repose i'm going to enjoy. if i can ever just STOP DOING THINGS TO KEEP BUSY to not think- i think my brain would explode from sheer pleasure..
