Retrouvaille

[Starsky309]

?? I think I missed something here. I didn't know there was OM involved. And that you get along with him? I'm confused.

Yes, they used to work together. We both knew him and his wife and had them over to our house at least once, maybe more than that, I don't recall as it's been years ago. He went through a divorce and she was there to support him, going over to spend time with him and such. She invited him to our house for Thanksgiving and Christmas so he wouldn't be alone. Then when this started with us he was "there for her". Early on when I was doing all the other wrong stuff I also snooped and found some flirty messages between them, her talking about what she wanted to wear to bed and such. And she wasn't describing the ancient, ratty knee-length t-shirt she always wore in OUR bed, LOL! He didn't respond in kind, so I don't know if it stayed an EA or if it ever moved to a PA, and I quit snooping after reading DR.

She never, ever tells me when he's around, but the kids do. He's gone with W and the kids to look for a puppy, go horse-back riding, play minature golf, etc. etc. He's ever-present. We still talk now and then. As an example, he and W took the kids somewhere and W had to go elsewhere afterwards, so he was going to drive them back to my house. I offered to meet them somewhere so he wouldn't have to drive all the way back, so we met at a restaurant and had pizza. I paid. I harbor no ill will towards him, he is not the reason our M fell apart. That's why I rarely mention him, he's not the problem. He's a really nice guy, my attitude is if my kids are going to be around an OM I'd rather it be him than someone else.

Wow.


Starsky

[Starsky309]

I harbor no ill will towards him, he is not the reason our M fell apart. That's why I rarely mention him, he's not the problem. He's a really nice guy, my attitude is if my kids are going to be around an OM I'd rather it be him than someone else.


That's a great attitude! Good for you.

Double-wow.

[cat04]

Wow.


Starsky

Ditto.

Cat

[AnotherStander]

Wow, AS, I am in awe that you have moved on in 8 months. Our BDs were in the same month and I am just now starting to "move" at all. I know our sitch's are different in a lot of ways, but the timeframe is similar.

I hope to be in your place some time in the not so distant future, but have a feeling it will take me A LOT longer. You have definitely done a lot more proactively to move on/GAL. I am just beginning.

Let us know how you are doing and check in so we can believe it is possible for ourselves too, when we are ready.

Thanks Turtle I think one of the main differences between our timelines is your H didn't move out until November, so I have a couple of months on you on the S timeline. And for me the detachment didn't begin until S.

Updates will probably be infrequent from now on, there's just not going to be much to report on from a DB'ing perspective. But I will pop in now and then and let you know what's up

[stilllookingup]

Actually I'm kind of surprised that people are offering condolences, LOL! I've tried to make it clear in my posts that I am extremely happy, I'm really in a great place mentally and physically! Is my marriage going to work out? Not likely, but my happiness is no longer tied to my marriage. I am no longer dependent on my W for anything, especially my happiness. So thank you and every one else for the thoughts, but I really am great!!

Okay. If that's how you feel, that's how you feel. No one can tell you how to feel. I guess I have hard time swallowing your extreme positive attitude because I feel no sense of loss in your words. I know I would still be sad even after GAL. Maybe because like you mentioned there were times you wanted to leave her that you are coping with this situation well. I've never thought of leaving my H because he was always good to me. I guess I'm such a typical LBS that had no idea. geez

My jaw nearly dropped in MC when she said the sex was great, because I thought it was mediocre. e

You mentioned this before and let me just say this. What we describe as "great sex" might be far different from what you or most men describe though. I've always enjoyed sex with my H except the time I had my own issue. I still think sex with him is the best I've had because he knows me, he knows my body and I felt so comfortable and connected every time. Did we explore different things? no. Did he feel our sex was medicore or boring? yes. If we have a shot at R, would I discuss and explore sex so we both can enjoy it? Big yes. That's another huge misunderstanding many Hs and Ws have I think. Many Hs say they want to explore and do different things but I wonder if they know how to get W excited about sex so they want to try different things..

[AnotherStander]

I guess I have hard time swallowing your extreme positive attitude because I feel no sense of loss in your words. I know I would still be sad even after GAL.

I went through some really terrible times after BD, very intense pain and sadness. Not really sure why I don't feel sadness about W now, maybe I just got it all out of my system. I do still have positive feelings for her, I'm sure I always will as I don't think you can spend 25 years with someone and just close the door on those feelings for good. I do still get sad about the kids though. Both because they're hurting over the sitch, and because I don't get to see them all the time anymore. I do still see them almost every day because they come to my house after school, but it's not the same as when we were all under one roof. D16 just expressed a few days ago that she hates Sundays because that's when we do the swaps, and it does make me sad that she's still in pain over it. I can still remember how much it hurt when my parents divorced almost 40 years ago and so I do have a sense of what they're going through.

That's another huge misunderstanding many Hs and Ws have I think. Many Hs say they want to explore and do different things but I wonder if they know how to get W excited about sex so they want to try different things..

W used to be a lot more enthusiastic about sex, but for quite a while she got into this rut of just wanting to do the exact same thing every time. Eeeeeeevery time. It was like an A, B, C, D procedure with almost no deviations. And to make matters worse, she was so paranoid that the kids might hear us that 90% of the time we had sex on the floor of the closet, LOL! Seriously! So it had gotten to the point where it seemed pretty mechanical, that's why I was surprised when she said she enjoyed it. I figured she was just going through the motions like I was.

[stilllookingup]

D16 just expressed a few days ago that she hates Sundays because that's when we do the swaps, and it does make me sad that she's still in pain over it. I can still remember how much it hurt when my parents divorced almost 40 years ago and so I do have a sense of what they're going through.

My H too. When he first reached his breaking point we were in the middle of fertility treatment. He said at the time he thought we could not have a kid that would be passed around in the parking lot just like he was when his parents divorced. Everyone around him including his parents love him to death but the scar is too big for him. Now the scar is even bigger with our m problem. I remember he was really scared of getting married because of his parents' divorce. My parents are still together so my view towards marriage was completely different. I wasn't scared even a little bit. My parents are not the most loving couple and I remember my mom threatening D ALL the time when I was a teenager but now they are older they have the love that only they can explain. My mom had in-law problems all the time, my brother caused them to fight a lot, my dad had an affair (which I recently discovered from my mom, and she kinda laughs about it now) but she never walked out and ended up caring for my grandpa (my dad's dad) until his death even though she and he had a MAJOR problem when he was well. I guess seeing that made me not be scared of a marriage.

W used to be a lot more enthusiastic about sex, but for quite a while she got into this rut of just wanting to do the exact same thing every time. Eeeeeeevery time.

Yup that's me and I still enjoyed it every time. Comfort was very important for me to have "great" sex. I wish my H brought up the "boring sex issue" in a different way than he did. One time he brought it up and said something that really hurt my feelings. Since then every time he brought it up I felt resentment. (I already told him about this after BD and he was sorry) I just wish we could have put ourselves in each other shoe at that time.

[jzoom]

Things change so quickly. Something I'm curious about (partly b/c I'm starting to see myself this way) is if you are becoming a WAH?

[ForeverYoung]

Things change so quickly.

I know, right? At the beginning of this thread there was so much hope for the M. Then, in less than 3 weeks, it's not only over, but it was never good to begin with! Sorry for being so blunt AS, but what the heck?

I'd expect that from the couples of 5-8 year marriages... not from those who have been around the block together for over 20 years and should know that feelings come and go.

What did that book "The Happiness Trap" say again? I've been meaning to read it based on your past recommendation, AS.

[AnotherStander]

I remember he was really scared of getting married because of his parents' divorce.

I went through that as well. I was 31 before we got married, and we had dated and even bought a house together in the 5 years before that. In fact I never really intended to get married, I just didn't have any faith in marriage largely due to what happened with my parents.

Yup that's me and I still enjoyed it every time. Comfort was very important for me to have "great" sex.

I see what you're saying, I guess it never dawned on me that repetition in sex is something that may have been "comfortable" to W and even something she would view as "great". That does make sense now that you mention it!

Things change so quickly. Something I'm curious about (partly b/c I'm starting to see myself this way) is if you are becoming a WAH?

I think what you're asking is if I'm to the point (or close to it) of not wanting to reconcile no matter what. To be honest I'm not consistent on that, some days I think I'm done and other days I don't think that.

At the beginning of this thread there was so much hope for the M. Then, in less than 3 weeks, it's not only over, but it was never good to begin with!

I think I was guilty of the classic problem of reading too much into things. I thought I was seeing a change of heart from W and I wasn't. As far as me saying it was "never good to begin with", I never said that. What I said was W has her problems/ issues as well, and after BD while she was only seeing my faults at the expense of the good I was engaged in only seeing her good points and ignoring the bad. I've had enough time to reflect on that and remember that she is not without faults either, that we have had a mediocre relationship for many years in large part because of her lack of participation (working late every night, never home, not engaged, etc.) and that perhaps reconciling may not be good for me after all.

Like I said before, you're only getting a small sliver of me, my W and our relationship in this thread. Obviously trying to give you the full picture of 25 years together is impossible. You know a little bit of the sitch, but I simply can't convey the whole thing here no matter how much I sit here and type. You think things changed quickly in "only" 3 weeks, as a far-off bystander reading my thread now and then 3 weeks seems like the blink of an eye I'm sure. But for me, weeks seem like months and the 9 months since BD seems like years and years and years. I had to move on to save myself.