Time For Me (Part 2)

[cat04]

Spartan,

Just dropping by with a few thoughts...and if you have read anything I've written, you can start shaking now LOL...

Fear
This was a tough one to think about but got the ball rolling. I realized that fear actually was controlling many of my decisions and turned me into someone I never wanted to be. I never thought about what it would mean if the fear I had ever came true, I just let the fear itself consume me and it changed the way I acted and saw things. It also turned me into a very negative person because you can’t live in fear and stay positive. This in turn caused many negative things to happen (laws of attraction). Funny that almost every single thing I was trying not to let happen in my life actually happened… I realize that many of the fears I had have come true and guess what, I not only made it through but I’m learning from them and getting stronger. I won’t let fear control me any longer.

I love your reference to the Law of Attraction. I am a huge believer in it. As well as the idea of the Butterfly Effect.

I am glad you don't want to allow fear control you anymore. I am curious though...

What does that look like to you?

It isn't as simple as saying it because that makes it sound like you are now going to try again to control your fears...

The fears, will always be there about one thing or another. It is normal and natural to have fear.

What you do, how you react to those fears is what counts.

So what is your plan when they do decide to rear their ugly head?

Love
Discussed what I thought love and R’s should look like. Here’s another I had never really thought about and truth be told I had no idea what love even was. I can see some of you (especially the women) just shake your head to think a 38 year old man had never thought about what love actually meant but it’s the truth.

I can promise you that you are not the only one who hasn't thought about this.

Most people don't have any idea what love means or looks like to them. They don't understand love languages or how to express love so that it is recognized as love by another person.

They think by simply saying the words and having a physical relationship, that is enough. While it may be enough on a logical level, on an emotional level, it often doesn't translate.

Honestly, it is something that I have come to believe is pretty fluid. It changes over time as we change. What love is, how we define it, doesn't necessarily change, but how we show it, feel it, receive it, and express to our partners that we need more, or less, or different, changes. Sometimes it is just a matter of learning how to define and describe it.

How do you define it now?

How are you showing it? Or how will you show it?

Changes being real
I was hung up on trying to show my W that I was changed rather than just being changed because it’s what I want to do.

This is HUGE.

Personally, I hate the idea of 180's because it leads to the idea that we should change only the things our S's complained about and that gives us the sense it will make everything better. And that if we "act as if" or "wear the shirt" long enough, then we will eventually become what our S's want.

The problem with that is some of the changes we don't really want to make so no matter how long we act "as if", they won't stick.

The changes have to be for YOU. They have to be things that you really want to change. Sometimes they fall in line with our S's complaints. Sometimes they don't.

If the changes are real and they are for you, they will show through.

Like I said before, I’m finally happy with whom I am but I see just how much more work there is left to do.

Yes, you are only at the beginning. The beginning of a journey that will, hopefully, last a lifetime.

Have fun on the cruise. Keep yourself in check. Wear your friend on your shoulder and hear the words you will probably need to hear while you are away. And let us know how it goes.


I do want to touch on one other thing that you have mentioned many times in other posts...

You have talked about being your W's friend. That is what you feel like right now. Do you realize that friendship, should be the basis of any good and solid relationship? That it isn't a bad thing for you to become friends with her again?

It doesn't mean that reconciliation is a guaranteed outcome, but it is a first step in any relationship and in a couple's relationship, it is an extremly important part to maintain.