reforce on me

[Tallula]

GTO, I just meant that you don't get a ton of time away from the kids. Even at night, it just doesn't feel the same to me. I have that to..although I still pass out on the couch at like 9 these days! I'm hoping the 2 ndctrimester energy kicks in soon some nights I make it 11. I relate to you alot, and just think you'd benefit from some downtime

My H would do the same thing if he asked and I withheld what I was doing. Now I just say I have plans, if he asks I tell him.

Who knows why your H hasn't PA. We won't figure it out. I say just take it at face value & keep doing what you are. Working on you.

[tori2012]

GTO, if he tells you he is in love w the OW is bc he's not sure of it. He's looking for a reaction. I think it's very likely this is not an EA only anymore, though...Sorry, but that's my impression. If it has remained an EA, then it's bc he's ambivalent and unsure of leaving the M. Especially if he said that he'd be done if the EA turned into a PA.

I'm not inside your H's head to know what he's thinking, and you're not either. So ask yourself if you want to save your M. If your answer is yes, then continue the GALing, etc. Continue sending him love (not telling him.) The best way to send him love is to let him be. Let him follow whatever path he feels it's best for him. Release the need to fight this. As soon as you do this, he'll feel the lack of pressure and might start approaching you in a more positive manner.

Hang in there, my friend.

[JuneReN]

I think H may be unsure as well. Sometimes saying things outloud makes us believe it, don't you find?

The lack of pressure is a good thing...something I should work on.

My H is a little freaky if I don't come absolutely clean with activities as well. Weird...I make it a point never to ask about his, except if he volunteers info. Like he went to a movie, so I asked How was the movie? He said great movie great night....didn't get much sleep. So, I gotta quit asking these things lol!! Because he always volunteers more than I want.

If he asks, I try to say without specifics, but if he asks for specifics I tell him. Don't know why he needs to know, he just does and frankly it does not bother me. I just don't volunteer

[littleGTO]

Thanks, labug,ruby, Tallula & Tori!

I knew someone would pipe up that it doesn't matter WHY/IF H is in a PA now or not. But it does to me.

Tori, you are right that it might already be happening, but something just tells me it hasn't. Somehow in his head he doesn't think he's done anything "wrong/cheated" if he hasn't had sex w OW. The EA is at least as bad, if not worse, in my mind.

I DO still want to save my M. I don't think I'm being as positive w H as I need to be in the brief encounters we have. I try but it is SO hard when I get absolutely NOTHING in return.
Hugs have completely stopped now.

Today H said he wanted to ask me something- he asked me to "reconsider" letting the boys stay overnight at his aptmt. He said he feels like his is "losing them." And, he also said he feels like a "visitor" at our house now. (After 18 years of living here and only 3 1/2 mos. gone he already feels like a visitor?!)

I said, "That's sad you feel like a visitor here."
And, concerning the boys visiting his aptmt I just said, "I would like to see your aptmt first before they go there."

When he asked why (a bit defensively, like he didn't want me stepping foot in his precious space), I just said it would make me feel more comfortable knowing where the boys are & seeing it in my head. He didn't agree or disagree to this condition.

It may happen tomorrow night as I am going out w a GF and H doesn't want to hang out here all night.

I was thinking of you, Tallula, as your kids had their first overnight with their dad recently & you survived! And, my kids are older. S11 has a sleepover at a friend's house, so it would be the other two.

I think I am okay with this--at least as okay as I'll ever be.

[labug]

What are you afraid might happen if they stay with their Dad? Did you trust them with him before?

I knew someone would pipe up that it doesn't matter WHY/IF H is in a PA now or not. But it does to me.

Does that mean a PA is a deal breaker for you ?

[Tallula]

Well, tonight I dropped them off at H's and haven't cried once!!! I'm kind of shocked! Went to dinner with my friend & got pedi's.

Now I'm getting ready to watch a movie.

I say give it a try. It will be really hard at first, but it's not horrible. Dare I admit it...I'm looking forward to my time alone... Don't call the bad mom police
My sponcer is a divorced mom of 3, and had told me to embrace the moments I enjoy just being Tallula. That it doesn't mean I'm a bad mom, I had these beautiful babies and made them my life! It's ok to enjoy me again. Now tomorrow morning I could be sobbing, but I
Didn't cry walking down the stairs of H's apartment. Big!

I can already see H has really stepped up more as a dad. I hung out while he made dinner. Double take...made dinner?!?! Now, it was Mac n cheese and hit dogs (I'm a bit of a no processed food, make everything from scratch or from the garden, cloth diaper, composter...yep), but I just enjoyed a nice conversation with H and left as they sat down to eat.

Yes, I survived that first weekend, and this one looks even better. You can do this!!

[Tallula]

What are you afraid might happen if they stay with their Dad? Did you trust them with him before?

I knew someone would pipe up that it doesn't matter WHY/IF H is in a PA now or not. But it does to me.

Does that mean a PA is a deal breaker for you ?

Yea, what labug said.

Also, I meant just take it that he hasnt made it a PA yet and go from there. None of us will know the real reason why he hasn't.

[littleGTO]

I DO trust their dad with them. He has also been a better dad since he's moved out than he'd been in a long time. BUT, it also feels like he "clocks in and clocks out." In other words it seems as though he puts in quality time knowing he only has to do it for a set amount of time.

My fear of kids going to H's apartment is selfish. I don't want to give them up to him AT ALL. I feel like he gave that up when he moved out. But, the truth is he didn't, he just gave up on us.

I want them to have a good R with their dad, so I know I need to let them be with him out of the house and be okay with it (more than just an outing, as he would often do this in the past).

I can do this...I know I can!

As far is a PA a deal breaker? Well, I used to think it definitely was. NOw I'm not 100%, but the answer is maybe it is. And, I do think he will file for D if it turns physical. We'll see.

[JuneReN]

A) I get the kid thing Turtle, trust me. You know I know exactly why;). It is dark and selfish but I get it and I know you recognize it too. But you will enjoy the to e, trust me, it will make you a better mom.

By all means go see Hs space, I feel that is very valid.

PA was not deal breaker for me,either. Thought it would be...not so much.

[Tallula]

Yea, the day before BD I would have said it was a deal breaker. Much less a confession of multiple PAs. Honestly, it's the one that turned into an EA too that kills me the most.

Plus, your H is saying it's over if, and he doesn't really know. My H was set on a D. Now he's not at all. You just never know. They are totally confused.