3 Months in, Still fighting. Crunch time!

[25yearsmlc]

Oh one more thing I forgot to mention. Wife told me, and her mom, that she thought I should be giving her money because she still cleans the house and cooks and cleans. =)

Like paying for a maid service? If she mentions that again I am going to tell her that she does those things because she wants to and feels obligated to do for our marital home to be guy for D3. Like I provide a roof over W head, and food for her to eat, etc because she us the mother of my child. But you don't clean for affair money. How would you guys word this argument?

SM--I have some random comments...but

If what I say conflicts with what your DB coach Laurie says, then by all means follow HER advice but here are my views and they are mostly taught from Vernetta, my former DB coach (a Godsend if ever there was one)...

On a DB site, we ought to go by what the trained DB coaches advise. Yes we have OUR experiences and we may have saved our m's, or saved ourselves or both, but the DB coaches have had the benefit of seeing/helping MANY save their m's ---


1) Per my coach, (who taught me many things I had to digest b/c they were not intuitively obvious to me) LIFE "teaches the WAS the lessons" their choices provide. Life shows them the consequences. It's NOT a spouse's job to do that. (That's punitive behavior looking for an excuse).

So I strongly suggest you stop all that mind game stuff you seem to be entertaining & mixing up with the MB sites..but besides

2) in YOUR situation, which is an extreme one, there's not much danger of YOU "teaching her a lesson".

SM, You enable more than anyone I've seen here I think. You certainly make the top 5...and that's saying something. You must stop it, first for YOU and second, for the m, if there is a chance of saving it.

3) you need do nothing about what your wife tells HER mother.

She has said nothing to YOU...and may not ever ask you. So all this mind reading and worrying & prepping may be for nothing. I say-

Let HER come to you and ask for a paycheck so she & OM (you know, the guy getting the SECOND job so he can take care of her - but still needs your gas money...)

can see each other to have sex again...

Then charge her rent for room & board...

and then when she's stunned by this, you say "Wow, w. You are not the woman I married..."

and then start acting like that is true, b/c it is.

Also, her conversations with another "male friend" about his & his wife's sex life, was wildly inappropriate. He "vented" to her.

Then she shared intimate details with him about your sex life. They did some comparisons...(I think they were both complaining about their inadequate satisfaction levels). How does that feel to you?

What do you think their goal is with those "chats"? You think this "male friend" was really asking for advice? Your comment about her telling him that "mc might have saved" your m, was a sign of her believing it was/is salvageable, made me sad.

To me it read More like "it's too late now" but see, mind reading gets us nowhere b/c it's got too many sides to it. Don't bother with it.


I thought Another Stander raised some good points about your attitude towards her (maybe the show was a good thing?) but you need to make sure you balance it with SOME boundary. "No talking about OM in your presence" is not much of one when you pay for her to go sleep with him...

on another note, and without discussing OM for a minute, why is it so hard for you to compliment your w?

You said you'd "try" to compliment her ONCE a week and now you say you'll compliment her "within reason"? WTH?

Why is this hard for you (aside from OM)? You think You can't do it without pursuing her? Yes you can... I gave you examples on the other thread.

This behavior of with holding positive feedback was a complaint of hers and from your comments I can see there was validity to it.

Compliments seem like a real effort for you and that's too bad. They don't cost a thing and they mean a lot to the recipient.

One of her LLs was words of affirmation and you say it was also one of yours, so there is a disconnect there. You have a double standard b/c you felt justified in not expressing the same sexual desire for her, and you blamed HER for not complimenting you enough when your business was not doing well...

I have to think that when you didn't "agree" with her needs, you didn't meet them....b/c you saw her as "wrong" for having them.

I'd hope you change that soon, especially w/your D. See compliments as expressions of compassion or love. Not "rewards".

Good luck deciphering all this. Whatever approach you take, stick with it long enough to really give it a shot. THEN monitor. (That's Not a weekly thing...)