Today at work someone said " this is my 3rd Valentine's Day WITHOUT SOMEONE AND I HATE IT!!'.
I replied " This is my second Valentine's Day without someone AND IM HAPPY!!'
Another co worker came by and said " I heard you Kim... and gave me a big thumbs up".
And then on the way home I thought about it! I am happy being single! I didn't once get all upset about being "alone" on Valentines Day today. I was thrilled to come home to my girls and pick out little gifts for them today. And as a gift to myself I bought a miniature rose bush that I can keep for years!
Lately I still am saddened at the sudden personality change in XH. I think when it really comes down to it, after all is said and done, Im horribly disappointed in XH for quitting us and walking out. No effort, nothing, just wimping out and quitting. Im more hurt by that then the fact the divorce happened.
Yet I realized something, and I have a different perception about things now.
I feel like Im the one moving on, but it's XH that's actually staying the same and stuck in many ways. He hasn't changed at all, the only thing he's changed is his partners. I feel like I really moving forward. Im doing well in my job, and can't wait to further my education. My friendships grow closer at work daily, and I feel like I have a new family now with all the people I work with.
Yet XH still takes 4 day weekends to sit infront of the computer with a friend to game non stop, complains he's overweight and is frustrated he can't get ahead in life career wise.
Im happy for people that are finding new romances or are celebrating anniversaries, not sad and depressed anymore. Im doing bible study with a friend and can study and nurture my spiritual side now without ridicule or snyde remarks from XH.
XH and I have sped up the communication a bit. I initiated some ideas in visits with the girls because Im needing some help and the girls are needed some 1 on 1 time with each of us. Funny... when I need help with kids or even the few times I've asked for help with things not kid related XH seems to jump up to the task.
It makes me think that XH needs to be needed. And independent me, has always appeared that I DON'T NEED ANYONE. As being an independent person all my life, I confess I do need help. I need people. But perhaps where Xh and I butt heads is the type of needs I crave. I crave emotional intimacy and partnership. But when you have an emotionally unavailable husband, well that boat will sink. And it did.
I don't understand how some people feel a bond by doing superficial things or just actions. As I look back over our 21 years together, XH showered me with gifts, money, sex, but he rarely, if ever truly shared his real self with me. And that's all I really wanted.
The real him.
I guess maybe that's why it's been hard for me to move on because a part of me has just held on to this glimmer of hope that he'd just decide to open up and be real with me.
At any rate I still surrender to God. So far since I've done that things seem to just be going so much smoother for me.
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!! 
