What are your H's negotiating styles? I would opt for broaching the topic after you're back. If you do it before you go away, I imagine that there will be an added sense of urgency to get it settled before you leave. The longer you leave it, the better prepared you'll be.
Obviously, you wouldn't want it to drag on and on but just make sure you don't feel under pressure.
I hope your weekend trip is a nice one that will give you strength and insight.
((((( Tori ))))))
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
I wonder sometimes why is it seemingly so easy to make connections with other people, yet when it comes to our S's its like hitting a brick wall. After all the years of knowing and being with each other, we can't find something to connect on? Thats not it though is it? We have several things we connect on I think...its the WAS that doesn't WANT to have those connections anymore...connections make them doubt their choice?
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
In regard to my H's negotiation style, I think he might block me if he doesn't like what he sees. He might say he's going to get a L and complain, etc. So that's why I have to handle the conversation as positively as I can, or we'll get nowhere.
I'm leaning toward sending him the agreement right before I leave so he has time to look it over the weekend. I'm thinking this might be best bc I had already told him the L would send the agreement this week, so he's expecting it.
Busting, we seem to not be able to connect to our S's bc they are not allowing it. They are probably disconnected with their own true natures too. Basically, they've been hurt, they're afraid, they feel D will be the best way out, they don't see their part in the breakdown of the M, and they prob don't want to deal with their feelings. Good point you brought, that if they connect with us, they'll definitely question their choices, so they'll avoid it at all costs. So all we can do is send love.
This weekend I'm going to the Wayne Dyer seminar! CAN'T WAIT!! I need it.
Thank you, Subguy! I've been so busy calling L's and financial advisors, and the insurance companies. Crazy.
I was listening to an audio book today that really hit home. The speaker said that when a R is toxic and you know it's not good for you, it's hard to take a step and leave it. But there is something you can do: One, to imagine that you're cutting the cords of the toxic areas of that R, so only the love and peace are left behind, and then realize that because you can't be what God wants you to be on Earth bc of this relationship, you must leave it, or at least leave the toxic parts of it.
My H emailed me a curt financial message today, so I wrote: "Thank you, H. Today might not be my best V-day ever, but I still send you love and wishes for peace and comfort."
I am following my philosophy to always send love, not expecting to get anything in return, and also to send him away to find his path and mature with love, because his presence in my life doesn't let me be who I am meant to be.
He replied:
"Thank you, W. You should know that even though we aren’t together anymore (and I don’t intend this to be a mixed message), and this might not be your best valentine’s day ever, and even with our relationship being over, understand that I do love you and care about your well-being and want you to have peace and comfort in your life as well. You’ve been an important and meaningful part of my life and I’m grateful for all the love and kindness we’ve shared over the years. Even if we aren’t together, I have and always will love you in a special way. Love, H."
Which shows how when you relentlessly give love, you usually receive love. It's not guaranteed, but it happens. I anticipate he'll be angry and confused and even scared when he gets the D agreement, so I'll continue practicing my philosophy and see where it takes me. This is the premise of the book I'm writing.
Thanks, FY and GTO. What you are is what you get, not what you give. If you are love, you'll attract love.
Anyway, onto a less loving topic. I sent the agreement to my H and he reacted the way I predicted. Called immediately. Said he was going to quit his job so he would not have to pay alimony. Said we were going to court. Said he knew the L would want a contested D, etc.
I told him my goals: to decide on a fair contract that we both feel good about, and to be at peace. He said he had a feeling he was going to feel like he had "lost" after it was all said and done. I told him to change his perception and repeated my goals. Not an easy call. As anticipated, he wanted to meet tomorrow. I told him the earliest date I'm available due to work/my own research on the topics is Friday, so he agreed on a Friday meeting.
It's interesting how I can predict his behavior so well. Now he'll go w a negative attitude to the negotiation. I should've pushed back more when the L sent the doc, but it's too late.
Wish me luck. Now I'm off to the weekend conference. Can't wait.
Thanks, Wendylon. Quick check in from NYC. Today was amazing. I met Wayne Dyer and Anita Morjani. I'll never forget it. I thanked Wayne for all his help throughout my journey. His presentation was amazing--as always. His daughter sang a beautiful song. I felt full of love, and felt good about the email I sent my H before I left, reassuring him that we will come up with a fair agreement so we are both happy. I didn't expect a response, but I knew he would appreciate it. He actually replied and said thank you. It seems that my words diffused some of his anger. So it's working! I might not have saved my M, but I'm saving myself, achieving peace, and maybe even saving some form of positive R with my H. I don't want to keep tally of who did what anymore. I know I did my best and I'm doing my best. I know I deserve the best, and will get the best. I plan to get over the hurt and just send him love and wisdom so he finds his path. The sadness and anger might still come and visit sometime. I'll allow them to be and will wait till they leave again. I know Friday will still be challenging, but I have the strongest armor around me: the armor of divine power.
