So last August I proposed to W that the kids get into counselling and was met "they're fine!" and she refused. I brought this up several times since even had forms for us to sign a few months ago. Also proposed one that all 4 of us would go to....that was met with even more opposition from W. The kids also did not want to go. They have been struggling, d14 at school and d10 with behaviour. The last few months d10 has been acting out, primarily with her mother. Last Thursday and yesterday she refused to go to school saying she was sick...she was not and was quite defiant with her mother. W took her to their GP and GP suggested therapy and D10 told her mother and the doctor "no!". Funny enough it is a group therapy for the 4 of us.....like I suggested ( perhaps in a demanding way though) 6 months ago. apparently W thinks it is a good idea niw....i guess because it was not from me. W wife told me about it and we were supposed to discuss with kids together but she did on her own. The kids told me she talked to them and they both will not go. I tried to explain to them it was a good thing and we all need it. Still no. D10 told me that on their way back from doctor that W made comment to her that daddy is too difficult to live with. This upset d10 as she explained that she is half of me and that the message she got was that she was difficult to live with too. Are we not supposed to make sure and instill in them that this has nothing to do with them and is not their fault? W needs help too herself but just won't see it. Now what?????
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
You know FM, we get where we get when we get there. Your W is more lost than you are and she's holding on by her fingertips to her vision of what her life should be. It's crumbling around her.
Even more reason to let her do what she feels she needs to do but see the gift in that she now agrees to C for the kids.
If you thought your kids needed to go to the ER and they didn't want to go...what would you do?
Tell them you will all go sit in a nice room and whoever wants to talk, can talk. Skilled T can handle these situations, that's their job, so leave it up to them.
This is a marathon and sometimes change is like watching a glacier move.
It's great that your D came up with that textbook answer!
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Thanks Bug. That is exactly what my sister, my L and my IC said. I do see the gift in that she now agrees...could not help but vent that frustration in my last post. Kept silent on that with W and simply agreed it was good. I would definitely make them go to ER, so will make them go but in a loving and caring way and the way you describe. My d10 is extremely bright and quick witted. Her mom struggles with that. Compares her to me in that negative light. She used to love my quick wit etc, but I guess in last couple years it has served against her and I probably have alienated her because of it. It is there in good times and tough times. I need to use it less in tough times, or not at all. Respond, don't react right? Take a deep breath, leave the situation then respond in kind. L's are getting nasty with each other. I must say in all honesty that mine has tried to approach all collaboratively and with reason. He truly feels this all should have been avoided. He believes in marriage, and if it does not work out to collaborate and not litigate. He has been put in a position to look after me now though.....which is what he is paid to do obviously. He can be tough and a strong negotiator and was well referred to me. I liked him most of the 5 I first consulted with.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
D10 told me that on their way back from doctor that W made comment to her that daddy is too difficult to live with. This upset d10 as she explained that she is half of me and that the message she got was that she was difficult to live with too.
Ouch. My mom used to do the same thing to me. On one hand she's say "your dad is such an @sshole" and then later she'd say "you're so much like your dad." Um...thanks Mom! Those are deep wounds and I bore them all the way to adulthood.
I think the counseling for the kids is good and honestly, I'd take care of the kids in the way I felt best regardless what W thinks. Get your attorney involved if need be, but get them there regardless.
One of the things that I have tried to do with the kids is give them some 1 on 1 time with me individually so we can talk about what they worry about. It's just an opportunity for them to get things off their chest and for me to say I love them (and W too) and will always, regardless of what happens in the M.
Thanks BD. yep, that is what d10 is getting. I feel bad for you that you went through that and the scars are still there. She really does not understand the impact she is having on her relationship with d10. She overtly sides with d14 in their disputes. W also says to me that d10 is just like me. She thinks she is taking a shot at me but really it is at d10.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
So glad you're going to try counseling. Persevere, and if the first one doesn't find a way to connect go check out others. You may find the kids end up feeling like one is not so horrible as some of the others if they have some to choose from.
We had two family meetings with my IC to learn how to respectfully talk to each other. S12 was sullen and withdrawn and S15 was positively rude to her, and later told me she looked like a skeleton and he hated her. I think she's wonderful, warm and smart. Go figure. Some of the things she said sank in for each of us to different degrees. I have S12 a little more comfortable with seeing a different guy because he needs help with his ADD and to succeed at school. Whatever gets them talking is good. Even if they're talking to you about how rotten the IC is, they're talking.
My IC has told me it IS possible to avoid some of the damage this all causes, if you can give them words and understanding, and model something different for them. My H is teaching my boys inflexibility and limited emotional capacity, and blow up or run away as the only ways to deal, and that when you have a marriage and kids you walk away from it (ok that's really just the bleakest most negative interpretation but stick with me), and by talking to the kids, and role playing with them, and encouraging them to be brave and talk directly to their dad they'll become aware that he has some limitations they don't necessarily have, and they may learn to forgive him and take a different route. It's muddy to me now but she assures me it's possible.
I hope your kids are able to find some comfort and understanding from another adult too.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
When I was 18 I had a GF that on this day sent me a card with " Happy VD" on it and she kept calling me throughout the day saying "Happy VD". Then later in the evening after we were intimate she said " Happy VD". I got myself checked out and was fine but just wasn't the same and could not date her anymore.
Anyhooooo.....litigation goes on. W nasty again this morning after last night being somewhat cordial. She was overdoing it with doting on d10 then had enough of her and lost her patience again with her at bedtime so d10 left and came to me. The W was all doting again with d10 this morning and nasty with me. Kids have no idea if she will be home for dinner and if so what time. She made some more banking errors again and I had to stop our mortgage from default payment and get the Account up to date and pay bills that are late. She is a bank manager folks. She is not together on so many fronts, though nobody sees it. Problem is if I don't bail out the situations like that it affects my credit. Though my L in in the know of everything so when we go to court this type of irresponsibility comes out and carries weight. Hate to be a narc but gotta look out for me right now. Her bitterness and anger I cannot trust what she will do. Sad, very sad on Valentines Day. Just me and my babies.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
Sad, very sad on Valentines Day. Just me and my babies.
Doesn't sound all that bad with current sitch. Who else would you rather spend the day with? Enjoy them and do something fun with them. Try to stay positive buddy, as much as you can
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
She made some more banking errors again and I had to stop our mortgage from default payment and get the Account up to date and pay bills that are late. She is a bank manager folks. She is not together on so many fronts, though nobody sees it.
I can fully sympathize with your sitch right now. My W hasn't had the hatred for a very long time now (thank God!), but, I think scatterbrained is a very good description for her. I've read thru this thread, and I can say my W was never as hateful as yours seems to be in your posts.
I guess the question in your case is, are these actually errors as in mistakes, is she doing this on purpose or does she not even realize what's happening? I don't know that it matters in your case, but, these are what I have caught myself asking many times over.
Sad, very sad on Valentines Day. Just me and my babies.
Doesn't sound all that bad with current sitch. Who else would you rather spend the day with? Enjoy them and do something fun with them. Try to stay positive buddy, as much as you can
I totally agree with Spartan here. Make some cupcakes, watch a movie, play a board game....make it a fun day for you and your girls.
