Living, Getting the Paperwork Started (20 months)

[adinva]

Thanks grace and bug and two.

I know I am tired and need to find a way to recharge. Sometimes just whining about how much I'm doing is enough, sometimes it isn't enough.

Sometimes it's choices I make that I could say no to, but I've shaved a lot of those things from my life...after the bomb when I finally learned why my H wasn't happy and proud of all I was accomplishing, I gave up being a scout leader, PTO volunteer, animal shelter volunteer, and more that I ruthlessly cut in order to refocus and correct my priorities and stop giving away so much of myself. It's down to what I consider minimal. BUT, life just welled up and engulfed me, with old age and illness and hospitals and special events and divorce preparation and on top of it all the need to intentionally be OK. It's still not second nature or easy to keep my confidence and motivation and my sense that it will all be ok-better-than-ok, sometimes it still gets me down and hits my confidence that I'm being left by my husband and financially going to take a hit and my future's uncertain.

Sometimes I've got to just recognize it's more than I can handle, and - handle it anyway. That's where I am now.

Reducing the in-law effort is one place I can cut, now that we're past the birthday craziness.

Just a little more journaling for Valentine's Day...

S15 took $40 out of some change he owed me (all I had was a $100 bill...) and told me his grandma had told him she gave that much to his dad to give him for his birthday, and so he was going to keep it from the change for now. I thought that was reasonable (I didn't say it, but it could be a good long while before he sees it from H). I let MIL and H know via email that S15 had his money now and I'd collect it from H whenever.

So H emailed me back that he's coming over today to give it to S15. I don't really want to see H on Valentine's Day and collect S's belated birthday money from him. I think I will take a page out of S15's playbook and be "absent."