First I want to thank - 25yearsmlc, AnotherStander, labug, MrBond, RegretfulLA, suckerpunch, sandi2, sweetbabyred, beat up, sam4nh, GH31 and Dewayne For all of the great advice and honest responses! They are hard to hear, but absolutely needed!
I finally am starting to see that I need to wake up and get my crap together, start doing my 180's and working my DB. I am noticing how much closer I am getting to my girls and how great that feels. I am going to the gym and that is also a good feeling. I am not at the point where I can see myself being "OK" alone, but working to get there. This is by far the hardest, most challenging thing I have been through in my life. I have done so much wrong, I have wasted so much time, I had the opportunity of a lifetime with my W and I wasted it. I was a horrible husband, a poor father for so long. I am now on the right track and it is hard, but I can feel now, I can see what I have missed and I want it, badly. The start of a long hard road... phew! Again I cant thank Sanid2 and Anotherstander enough for your time and input and being so patient with me!
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
I am noticing how much closer I am getting to my girls and how great that feels. I am going to the gym and that is also a good feeling. I am not at the point where I can see myself being "OK" alone, but working to get there. This is by far the hardest, most challenging thing I have been through in my life.
What you said here rings true for me. Feel like I've gotten closer to the kids and that is great. The best part of all of this. And this has been the most challenging thing in my life. No doubt, probably for most everyone on this site.
Your dates of wife moving to basement and then out of house are very similar to mine. Most of the time I feel like I'm doing ok but this week just down. When I get together with my W I just feel nothing from her towards me. That is hard to take. She is cordial and jokes some, but it is very stiff.
In terms of being OK being on my own, I actually think I would be ok with that although that is not what I want. But realize I need a plan B and know I'll have a happy and have a fulfilling life regardless of the outcome. So will you!
Thank you for your comments! I think you are doing a great job from reading your post! Your an inspiration to me!
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
I am noticing how much closer I am getting to my girls and how great that feels. I am going to the gym and that is also a good feeling.
Excellent stuff!
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I am not at the point where I can see myself being "OK" alone, but working to get there.
Don't rush it, you've barely been separated a month, it takes quite a while to get there and, for me at least, the process didn't start until after S. Just stick with your GAL activities and moving your focus away from W and one day you'll realize you're there. It happens a little at a time.
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This is by far the hardest, most challenging thing I have been through in my life.
Amen to that!
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I have done so much wrong, I have wasted so much time, I had the opportunity of a lifetime with my W and I wasted it. I was a horrible husband, a poor father for so long. I am now on the right track and it is hard, but I can feel now, I can see what I have missed and I want it, badly.
Good. The introspection is a good thing, but try not to beat yourself up too much. Just learn from it and move forward as an improved person
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Again I cant thank Sanid2 and Anotherstander enough for your time and input and being so patient with me!
You're quite welcome, glad to help!!
From the end of your other thread:
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W and I are having sex again maybe twice a week. She comes over to the house. It makes it very difficult to detach emotionally, yet the physical part was missing in our M and she wants this from me and I want it from her. We also sext many times a week. IDK if this is right or wrong.
Try it a while and monitor the results. See if it moves you closer to your goals or farther from them. Don't have any expectations about it though.
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She later said she would make it a sleep over, even better. I guess I showed too much excitement, last night she said she felt worried, sick thinking about Thursday, like there was too much expectation, she was having anxiety about coming over and staying the night, even uncomfortable having sex now. I assume this is due to me saying how excited I was about it, idk. I told her please not to worry about it, if Thursday happened or not it was ok, I promised.
Good response. I don't think it was anything you said (about showing too much excitement), she probably just got cold feet, fearing she may be giving you the wrong impression while in her mind she's still done with the M. When she does this just pull back and give her time and space. Don't push her.
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I guess a question I have is it normal that WAS go through a time of feeling anxiety or fear about seeing H or visiting home when separated?
Oh yes, they are very confused inside and worry about sending the wrong impression, or not doing enough, or doing too much, etc. This is something Accuray posted a while back:
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Another thing to expect is that your wife will run "hot and cold" -- she'll be nice to you one minute and the next will shut down hard. This is extremely confusing. Here's what's going on -- your wife will "try on" being nice to you to see how it feels, or if she gets comfortable may slide back into a familiar partner role. At some point she'll catch herself, will worry that you'll get the impression that everything is now "okay" when for her it is not, and will then make sure to demonstrate to you that everything is NOT okay by shutting you out and pushing you away. That's all an inner dialog so to you it just looks completely confusing. If you expect it, you'll enjoy when she warms up and won't worry too much when she goes cold.
It's tempting to get into a mode of catastrophic thinking -- that each time your wife goes cold you worry it will stay like that forever, or "oh boy, this is it, she's gone!" That leads you to panic and overreact. This is a roller coaster, and there will be very dramatic highs and lows. The best thing you can do is try to stay near an emotional baseline. If the WAS bounces between 10 feet up and 10 feet down, the LBS tends to go 25 feet up and 25 feet down in response. Your goal is to go 5 feet up and 5 feet down instead. Take the long term view. Easy to say, hard to do, but if you know what to expect things get easier.
AnotherStander Thank you for your comments, I take what you say to heart. Thank you very much for the post from Accuray, that helps a lot! Have a great day!
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Oh yes, they are very confused inside and worry about sending the wrong impression, or not doing enough, or doing too much, etc. This is something Accuray posted a while back:
AS, this Accuray quote is very helpful for me. Thanks.
JP, I'm currently experiencing the cold side of it. Felt things had been warming up but cooled off since last week. Just need to use the quote above and keep my emotions even and expect the up and down to be part of the ride.
JP, I'm currently experiencing the cold side of it. Felt things had been warming up but cooled off since last week. Just need to use the quote above and keep my emotions even and expect the up and down to be part of the ride.
This is where I feel detaching would help, but that is a hard one for me still...
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
I just noticed that the success are less than 10% than the D rate from looking at the threads and more successes are H coming back... I am depressed.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
I just noticed that the success are less than 10% than the D rate from looking at the threads and more successes are H coming back... I am depressed.
You are like me during the first 3 months of my sitch. Obsessed with the outcome. You have to let go of that. Easier said than done and I admit I sometimes fallback into such a state. But you can't let it rule you. You need to do the things folks on this site are recommending (GAL, 180s) and then you won't be doing the math problem you described.
You also might want to create more achievable shorter term goals for yourself.
I just noticed that the success are less than 10% than the D rate from looking at the threads and more successes are H coming back... I am depressed.
You are like me during the first 3 months of my sitch. Obsessed with the outcome. You have to let go of that. Easier said than done and I admit I sometimes fallback into such a state. But you can't let it rule you. You need to do the things folks on this site are recommending (GAL, 180s) and then you won't be doing the math problem you described.
You also might want to create more achievable shorter term goals for yourself.
Your right, just difficult... Thank you.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
