What I'm learning from H stages, myself!

[nero]

hey hi-

great gal yesterday. you can do this. if you find yourself getting icky today- just hop in the darn car and go- even if you go to the mall or foodstore alone- get the heck out of the house.

my plan- we can conquer it all- i'm there with ya in thought-

xxo ((( )))

[nero]

hey dawn- want to throw in a thought i justhad while taking a bath- i find myself curiously removed from h and ow all of a sudden today (hope it stays).

just this last fiveminutes (had to rush out to say it) i don't give one darn what the two of them do with the rest of their lives. i don't even feel like whatever iti s that she is to him- has one darn thing to do with me. (i do not USUALLY feel like this) i don't feel theold "she's better" thing rearing it'shead.

so glad to report -t his moment- i am even way more improved thatn i said before- woohoo.

fingers crossed tht it stays. im outta here -

[albamarie]

Nero, I am soo happy to hear your in a better place, I know if feels so good to not care about what H is doing. What a lift! Roll with it! I am right there with you!

[albamarie]

I watched a movie called Fireproof last night, it was recommended by my h friend who wants to see us in repair. It is a Christian based movie with Kirk Cameron, come your old enough, from Growing Pains, about a couple going downhill fast in their marriage.

It left me with some mixed emotions, one because I feel I tried some of those things and two because my h shows no want, need, remorse, effort.....! In my faith there is apart of me that knows things happen at Gods pace and in the most unlikely, as well as unrecognizable, places and times. But, in my heart I feel abandoned so I have turned my heart cold to h, and lost all hope, even convincing myself, I don't want hope!

This movie brought some of those feelings of Gods Will back, and the feelings that we are here, with these kids, grand kid on the way, and how could this be all for nothing in the end. I want nothing more than to never see my h's face again...but I know that's not right, but I'm soo hurt, I don't care! I find myself daily wishing he would make me a widow, than praying for my bad thoughts.

This movie of course was not dealing with MLC, or even depression, but the hurt and betrail all seems to go to the same place. How is it that I'm the one for a year now putting my marriage in His hands, when my h was the one who truly new Him?

Anyway, if anyone is interested there it is. The movie was free as a torrent download....if you know what that is than you know how to do it. Otherwise, it's on amazon or I'm sure easy enough to find.

I have been reading the 5 languages of L and it at least has helped me in my other relationships, and I am passing it to my S21 who needs to work on his sitch as an unmarried F to be, to maybe see if there is a chance for M down the line for them.

I do use the L language with my h but for now I am really faking it....I guess that's fine as lone as he doesn't know! Wheat do they say....if you fake something long enough it may become real, like smiling when your down!

[job]

Dawn,
I saw the movie when it first came out. It's a good movie, but like you said, it's not a movie about mlc.

Mlc is a totally different animal that requires God to have his hand on the pulse all of the time. Mlcers tend to destroy everything in their path, including the feelings we have towards them. Once the destruction has been completed not only to their surroundings, but to themselves, that is when the rebuilding begins to take place. Unfortunately, a lot of what goes on w/the mlcer is all on their time...we are the ones that try to put the pieces of the shattered world back together in the beginning. Eventually, we the lbs, begin our own journey and rediscover the person that we once were. We begin to rebuild and become the best that we can be while the mlcer is out there trying all sorts of "let's get happy" stuff. Bottom line, the mlcer may have been ahead of us in disconnecting a long time ago, but we move ahead in the learning department and if the mlcer wakes up and wants to reconcile, they have a whole lot of paddling upstream to catch up w/us. I do believe that God does have a plan for each of us and sometimes his plans include destroying what is weak and/or flawed to rebuilding for a stronger, more mature way of life.

Dawn, continue to work on you and keep your focus on you and your family. God has a lot of work to do on your h and he will continue to do so until he is happy w/the end results.

[albamarie]

Crazy story:
I feel like maybe I was just used as a buffer or maybe an instrument. My H approached me with almost an ultimatum saying I need to help ea find an apt or h will have to go fight her gang member landlord who is threatening to shoot her in the head. He even went as far as saying he's going up there tonight to confront him and he will probably be killed, so he's going to leave his cell on my voicemail as a witness.

He said he's struggling with the light from this family and the darkness of "that" world. He want's both! He said maybe God will then finally intervene if he's facing death. I say He just did because my only response was, this is your path I will not chose for you nor get involved. Then he said I took the fight out of him and now he doesn't feel the power of his anger to take him to a fight.

He then said can she come here for a few days to keep her safe while she makes calles for an apt. Again, I said this family wants nothing to do with your journey.

I think he used me to hold him back, keep him home, he had to of known my answer and now he's justified in backing out because he's been weakened by me. Telling me was his safe word - IMO!

[albamarie]

Thanks Snodderly -

The movie was good for me to see the ways to talk to people in general, it's a good lesson for all relationships. Tonight I'm going to watch Courage, by the same writer/author!

I'm spending tonight in my room as my H struggles on my couch with himself. If he does leave and get killed on the streets I have prayed that it doesn't tear me apart, I could stop him but in the end I'm only reenforcing his need. So I give it into his hands!

[sweetbabyred]

Wow, Dawn. He almost sounds like a kid who doesn't want to do something, but can't tell his friends no. Instead he makes his mom forbid him from going so he has an excuse.

And then asking you to let this woman stay in your house? At least he was willing to accept that you said no.

I'm sure you're going to be worried about what he might do, but he is a grown man (even if he's not acting like it) and I think even he knows it's not a good idea to go over there.

Stay strong and put yourself and your family first. Hopefully your H will get this out of his system and commit to his family soon.

[albamarie]

Thanks SBR - I see it the same way....my mom said I can't go oh darn....shoot! He even went as far as putting his shoes on.....to fall asleep in a chair! I crave a mature relationship, my kids are older than my h, I can only express it here how much I am sick of this, no one can relate. I feel my guts in knots over how much I want out of this life.

Gang bangers, really, we left the city so our kids wouldn't got to school with any city troubles, now I have to worry about my 53yr old H. I want far away from all of this! Sorry, it's a bad night!

Thanks for posting I appreciate ever word everyone writes here!

(((((((((())))))))))

[nero]

Hi Dawn -

Sorry i was mia yesterday- Oh Geez , what hel_ your not-h puts you thru. I cannot even imagine how you must feel- being mixed up in such craziness. i can't imagine putting on his shoes and actually asking you to take part in it all. and thinking it's all normal life for him- somehow to be involved in this drama . like living in a movie or something.

Asking if she could stay??? telling you what he has planned and thinking of fighting!!!! i guess it's the excitement of that dopey other kind of life - it's not his life, so he can findd it entertaining to participate??? to ch oose to particiapte? what in the world kind of appeal would that have stacked up against a happy cozy family & home? i absolutely cannot relate on any level.

you have such strength of character to hold yourself and your fam together and respond as you do - lucidly and with conviction.

i think you were absolutely correct to not participate. i don't see how you could save him from this mess of his own concoction if you wanted to. i think you called it for sure that he used you to stop him- wonder then, how he explains to ow- my mom wouldn't let me go out last nite or i'd be grounded? wtf can he be thinking- i know, not thining really lucidly is he. g osh- your sitch is soooo hard to endure thru- wonder where it all will end - for all of us - particularly with your h.

maybe he'll "scare himself straight" with this intrigue?

i want to also jump in and say i feel like it too sometimes that i'm this "mom" and he expects me to look at him and praise his good points or actions- or look on fondly while he does and is whatever it is he thinks he is.

i'm thinking more and more he is just a selfish and not very nice man. i'm very very big on nice and kind in life- might be the most important thigns around in a character -

i find it sooooo unappealing to see this man i thought was worthy of love and respect acting , well, just plain old like a teenage girl. take it back - my 14 yr oldneice is more mature. what the heck is this junk? we don't get to go back and just wallow and be young again- some portions of our youth were taken away or marred with tragedy or whatever went on- everyone alive has some of it- what in the world makes these guys entitled to all of a sudden stop and dive back into being babies? i can't imagine a more depressing job thatn being a psychiatrist. honestly-

and to have the nerve to call it love (if only in writing to ow) (in which notes he can sling it around like mad- but in real life can hardly formulate the words.

how could they conceal for so long such wierd little stuff inside them (our not-h's ? and how could we not know- is it because nothign like tht exists in us- so how would we recognize it? or what?

your movies sound good - good that you can let them "take you away" a bit and be entertained. i still find it impossible to watch anyone's "pain" - real or imaginary about this stuff. tears me up too much- i can manage if i can keep myself detached and numb inside- once my emotions get involved- ker blat- i want to blubber & fold and get "fogged out". i can watch no-mind tv - and stay distractedenough.

oh well huh? i feel badly that i "wasn't around" last nite or yesterday. just non stop activityes for the entire day- that in and of itself is odd. it was okay - half of it was me gal - of a pitiful sort. oh well-

anyway- hope you're hanging in there okay today. what a few days for you- all that gang junk is soo scary- i'm not actually a country girl- but not a big city girl either. hope you got some sleep last nite also -

((((((((((( ))))))))))))) i wishi had some wise and comforting things to say that actually could make some difference -

I'll be thinking about you all day and sending up some little prayers that you're making it thru this new insanity your h has going on. man- what crazy junk to inject into your life - one thing to choose it for himself- another to be wanting to drag you into his wacky world. keep strong-