Gonna be different now, (butterfly in hurricane).

[25yearsmlc]

Hi Guys,
W is not guilty, nor am I. There's no guilt in the process, only responsible people. I take responsibility for what happened, if I am the leader in the couple, when it fails, it is the leader who takes the blame.


This^^ is NOT you "taking responsibility". It's you calling yourself a "leader", which you were not, and then acting as if the 'position' of being a leader, like the Captain of the ship that someone else sank, means you are responsible.

But You are responsible for your choices. You chose to engage in lousy behavior and it lasted a long time. I reject the excuse that you were "raised that way".

I just went to a workshop with a fellow DBer. That DBer was raised seeing horrible abuse on almost a nightly basis. HE does not engage in it.

I was raised by a raging alcoholic father, who held a powerful government position. I don't do what he did at night. I know better. So please, Don't even go there Bruce.

Some of what you did is in the "nearly unforgivable" range for me when it comes to a new mother. I've said that before and you've ignored it.

Being a new mother, let alone in a foreign country, is a BIG BIG deal. I cannot stress this enough. Stop glossing over it. You do that at your own peril.

For the last time, she was at her most vulnerable. But For over a year, you grossly mistreated her AND the baby.

Then She left so that mistreatment would end. She wanted to be cared for by her family back home (b/c you, as her family, did not do so). If a small part of her also thought "now HE will see how it feels to be abandoned", so be it, I'd understand.

She did NOT leave to inflict pain on you. Only a child would believe that.

Now, after she solely raised the child, you call her a "THIEF" for wanting half of what was gained in the marriage. Not what you brought into the marriage, but what you two purchased while married. That's what most jurisdictions dictate. She wanted LESS before, mostly b/c she wanted less conflict with you. Now she wants what the law provides. How does that make HER so wrong?

In the eyes of the law, and God, and YOU, you were "made one", by marriage, not two. So Stop whining that she was once so angry at you that she said she wanted nothing from you. That only meant she wanted to be away from you so badly that she wanted no discussion. But she awakened.

And btw, I have to mention how hard/impossible it is for most Americans to get jobs in France when they were not invited by a corporation in the first place. Your job/company invited you to Canada. But My cousin has been in France & other European nations for years, and is still not a legal citizen and she can't yet teach. French citizens there get priority. She's married to a French man (a great h and father, btw.) and they have a child. She still faces obstacles to working.

So, is the image you now present of her, suggests only YOU worked...what did she do? Did she sit at home lazily eating bon bons? I don't think so. You even stated that she works hard.

So, Do you NOW see her as a parasite on you, who now wants to steal from you?

Please Don't forget, you insisted on living in YOUR country...she agreed to join you, leaving her family & friends & nation behind, and deferring her career, to be with you b/c she loved you that much...Surely that counts for something?

Recently, I think you made an attempt to get her to feel jealous that she wasn't with you, (b/c you were going to buy a house - so she'd want to be with you and out of her parent's house,) but then your ruse misfired.

Instead of her being envious of the home you were to buy & wanting to join you, She wants half the money instead, which is EXACTLY what I'd have told her to get, if I were her L, and which I told you.

Bruce, think back. Why'd you even ask US for advice about the house???

You thought she'd be impressed by your purchase of a home there--- b/c I can think of NO other reason for you to tell her your plans.

Dig deep. Who cares if she said she didn't want anything before?

Why did you tell her NOW, that you were buying a house?

I think I know why...Do you now see why you told her?

It's been a long time I stopped listening to my friends, I prefer to chose the path of love, even if it is met with rejection by W. But I won't grow weary, because while I was a sinner, God loved me and didn't give up.

I know where W is coming from, emotionnaly. I understand. I just don't agree with her decision, that's all.

I don't believe you know where she is coming from. I truly don't. If you did, you would not summarily dismiss her reason for leaving. You can say you want another chance. We'd all get that. We've all been there.

But your cavalier dismissal of her opinion reveals much. You "just don't agree w/her decision" means, to me, you don't think she's got a reasonable point of view. And let's face it, you don't.

You have, repeatedly, described her as mentally unstable (& "not right in the head" but you give us no evidence to support that, except that she left you AND you don't recall her complaints about you so she must be lying...).

Bruce, I cannot tell you how unattractive you sound, when you say that.

It sounds patronizing, judgemental and hypocritical.

You have felt suicidal at times and you sometimes wallow at length, in self pity. It keeps you stuck in self righteous victimhood. Is that mentally healthy behavior?

I don't want to hurt you. I know you are in pain and it's a humbling thing, but I sure wish you'd wake up. Sometimes humility is our greatest teacher. It can be.


I acknowledge her pain, her wanting her needs met, and her pulling out of an unsatisfactory marriage from a selfish husband. She wanted something I didn't give her, and as a consequence she gets rid of me.

This failing to meet her needs was a process, which grew after the birth of the child you openly resented and ignored. It was not a quick event.

So I try my best and put a band-aid on, and obviously it isn't enough for such a big wound, so she inflicts me a deeper wound by separating, to make sure I'm wounded too and making sure that nobody heals, and that our S, the only one who has nothing to do with all of it, reaps the consequences of both our being immature...

this ^^ is so self serving and paranoid, that it's pretty odd. You actually believe she left you TO INFLICT PAIN ON YOU? That's just not realistic or fair.

She left you to stop HER pain. And you didn't care about your son in any visible way until AFTER she left you...in fact you did not show HER much love until after she left and that may well appear to be simply you not wanting to be the rejected party. You don't like to lose, that is clear.

But the way you speak of your wife is NOT very loving. Your "compliment list" includied that she can work long hours and "likes to knit"...you LOVE her BECAUSE she likes to knit??

Really?

Is she kind or smart or interested in the world around her? Does she take care of herself? Does she have long term friends and good relationships with her family and is she a good person who tries to be loving to others?



Anyways, just writing to say that I agreed to meet with W, W's L, and my L on Thursday to try and settle visitation time.
Preliminary discussion looks like one week I'll see S three times, and the second week I'll have S from Friday evening to Monday morning.

Does it look like fair to you?
Should I ask for more, especially the first week where I only see S for three times two hours (that's 6 hours for me, against 162 hours for W!)

It looks as if they are putting SON'S needs ahead of your wishes. To ease him into the transition of having a lot more time with you. IT's NOT permanent, right? Stop putting yourself first.


Also, for how long should I agree this transient state to last? One month, two months max?

Depends on how SON does. Go for 6 weeks at first and stress that YOU want to see how he fares as this happens. Not that you are letting your wife decide IF it will happen- but that YOU will assess HIS adjustment as it happens and as your time with him increases...Understand?

How should I appear Thursday, interested by only S, or should I propose for W to see a counsellor, even if only ONE appointment?

Thank you for your insight,
Bruce.

this is one of the few times you'll get to show her that HE is your priority. I hope you see this in time. OF course HE is the only priority you have at the moment.

Accept that she wants out and act as if you get it!