Looking for a little advice and support

[AnotherStander]

Only problem is every couple months I would have to go to wife and ask her to transfer money to cover bills. I knew this was building up and getting worse, yet I didnt do anything about it. When I wasnt working I would find myself just laying around and being very passive. She was getting madder and madder.

Often it's things like this that build up over time and cause a lot of resentment. Your W may have tried to say something about it, and you probably perceived it as nagging and shut down on her. This is pretty typical of how most of us end up at BD, the W finally gives up and plans their escape, the news seems "sudden" to us but it's brewing with them for months or years.

The wife has always been very stubborn and had a hard time communicating and opening up.

I thought this about my W as well. What I've since learned through RetroV and self-help books is that I was as responsible for the poor communication as she was. RetroV in particular taught me that I was using the wrong tools to try to get her to open up and I was responding to her communication attempts in the wrong ways (because I didn't see that she was trying to communicate, because it didn't look like I expected it to). So you perceive her as being stubborn, but I suspect when you learn how you should have been communicating you'll realize that you were in fact discouraging her and you will kick yourself for it.

Well, around May of last year I began going out 3 or 4 times a week. Sometimes not even coming home. Sometimes staying at a girls house in an extra bedroom and she knew it. I would tell her where I was staying.

Well I guess you don't need to be told how damaging that was to your M.

I was just so miserable at home since all she did was sit on her laptop and watch tv.

Read the 5 Love Languages. It'll help you understand what both of you were doing wrong. You were both waiting for the other to fill your love tank and the resentment just grew and grew. What neither of you realized is that to get your love tank filled, first YOU have to fill your spouse's love tank. You can't sit around and wait for them to have an epiphany one day and suddenly start lavishing attention on you.

Well around the beginning of November I stopped going out and decided to make some changes.

Good. Now be consistent, that's the important thing. Your W needs to see consistent changes over a long period of time before she believes they're real and not just tricks to bring her back.

She told counselor that i might change for a month or so, but not for good. she said i was such a good salesman and would say whatever to get her to stay.

Exactly why you need to show consistent changes and give her months to appreciate that they're real.

Then I hacked her iPhone location. I know it was absolutely stupid and immature, but I had to know.

Do you feel better knowing now? I'm guessing not, and that's usually how snooping goes. You find out stuff you don't want to know, that leads to a nasty confrontation in which the spouse learns you've been snooping and that in turn creates a lot of anger and resentment.

I called her and she answered the phone. She was extremely mad and said I'm done!!

Yeah, that's usually where snooping ends up.

Well on Superbowl Sunday we got in to it again.

Have you read DR yet? Be very careful of "more of the same" behavior, it'll just keep setting you back.

My goal at the moment is for the 2 of us to get to Retrovaille at the end of March.

Personally I think that may be too soon.