So, onto some updates about me because that’s really what’s it about . Over last couple weeks, with the help of a good friend who seems to be able to read my mind and know the next layer to peel, I have really started digging deep and looking at myself. I was finding out a lot about myself through the process but seems like everything is clicking together now and I’m really getting things and feel like I’m doing it for the right reason, me. Also been reading a lot of old posts on here from the super vets, they didn’t use 2x4’s back in the day, they hit each other with sledge hammers which is more my style of learning. I digress…I’ll list some of the highlights that we’ve uncovered. The biggest outcome of it all (in case you don’t want to read the entire post and just want to know where I am now) is that I’m finally happy with who I am and who I’m truly becoming and I don’t feel need to get approval or feel like I have to do things. The things I’m doing now are because I want to do them.
Fear This was a tough one to think about but got the ball rolling. I realized that fear actually was controlling many of my decisions and turned me into someone I never wanted to be. I never thought about what it would mean if the fear I had ever came true, I just let the fear itself consume me and it changed the way I acted and saw things. It also turned me into a very negative person because you can’t live in fear and stay positive. This in turn caused many negative things to happen (laws of attraction). Funny that almost every single thing I was trying not to let happen in my life actually happened… I realize that many of the fears I had have come true and guess what, I not only made it through but I’m learning from them and getting stronger. I won’t let fear control me any longer.
Obligation This was another big one that I had never thought about before. To bottom line it I realize almost everything I’ve done in my life was out of an obligation I felt. A lot of time no one put that on me but I just felt I had to do things either to get someone’s approval/ not let them down, or because I felt like I should. There are very few things I can think of that I did just because I wanted to. We deep dove many of the root causes and many come from my own upbringing with dad leaving early… Couple examples include: feeling like I had to help raise my little brother instead of just being a kid, many of the sports I played growing up, even proposing to W because we had dated 5 years and it seemed like I should even though I wasn’t sure, … it’s a long list. I’m leaving the feeling of having to do things for others behind me and I’m just doing the healthy things I want to do.
Love Discussed what I thought love and R’s should look like. Here’s another I had never really thought about and truth be told I had no idea what love even was. I can see some of you (especially the women) just shake your head to think a 38 year old man had never thought about what love actually meant but it’s the truth. Growing up I never really saw a healthy relationship (most family was D’d or widowed) so I thought as long as I gave my W a comfortable life and was faithful that was my job, boy I missed the boat there… I’ m slowly starting to figure this one out.
Changes being real I was hung up on trying to show my W that I was changed rather than just being changed because it’s what I want to do. My end behavior isn’t necessarily different but reasoning behind it is. I can now say it feels real and I’m not acting any more. I’m not doing the 180’s because the book said it will save my M, I’m doing them because I need to because I was an idiot for most of my life. I see that you have to do these changes for you and not to save your M or for someone else. Unless they’re for me they will not stick and are done for the wrong reason. In one of old threads the analogy of a shirt (jacket actually but I like shirt better) was used. Paraphrasing terribly but hopefully you get the point; our changes can’t be like a shirt. We put the shirt on and it looks good to everyone but when you get home you take the shirt off. Eventually someone will see your skin without the shirt on. The changes have to be your skin and be you. I also updated my list of things I want to show the world every day, the things that will be my skin.
Like I said before, I’m finally happy with whom I am but I see just how much more work there is left to do. I think with all this internal work I’ve also taken a lot of pressure off my M and off my W. This is a lot to take in in a relatively short time so I have to prove to myself that I’m living it day in and day out. I can’t expect my W to believe it yet because I’m still making sure and I know what’s in my head. It’s all about the actions one day at a time and ya know what…I’m enjoying my days again.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
. Over last couple weeks, with the help of a good friend who seems to be able to read my mind and know the next layer to peel, I have really started digging deep and looking at myself. I was finding out a lot about myself through the process but seems like everything is clicking together now and I’m really getting things and feel like I’m doing it for the right reason, me. Also been reading a lot of old posts on here from the super vets, they didn’t use 2x4’s back in the day, they hit each other with sledge hammers which is more my style of learning. I digress…I’ll list some of the highlights that we’ve uncovered. The biggest outcome of it all (in case you don’t want to read the entire post and just want to know where I am now) is that I’m finally happy with who I am and who I’m truly becoming and I don’t feel need to get approval or feel like I have to do things. The things I’m doing now are because I want to do them. 
