D#1 and granddaughter came up for a two week visit. D#1 was curious why W would leave occasionally. I asked her if she asked her mom, and she said no. I just told her that her mom is going thru something right now and needs some alone time. She didn’t seem to buy that reason, so, I found the 6 phases of an MLC here and emailed it to her, and asked two things:
1. Keep this a complete secret as I’m not 100% it applies to her mom 2. Read and compare to her mom over the recent history and see if it applies
I also told her she didn’t even have to reply to me, but, regardless of what your mom is going thru, she still your mom and you still need to be patient and respect her.
While D#1 was in town, we were all having a conversation in the living room about weird things we all did. W came up with one I hadn’t considered until that moment. She always had to have a copy of the car keys – sometimes both sets – when we’d go shopping. When she said that I flashed back to right after we found out she was pregnant with D#1. She was sitting on my lap by the campfire, started to cry a little and asked me if I was ever going to leave her like her father did. I was stunned, but, my answer then as it is now, was ‘no’ (as mentioned in my first post).
She got a job!! Which is a major plus. She seems to enjoy this job, and seems to enjoy not being completely responsible for everything involved in running the business.
Last week she got a call from the Florida Dept. of Revenue warning her that a tax warrant was going to be issued on her. She thought we made a mistake on our filing when we closed her restaurant in February of 2012. I went to the Tax Collector’s office to find out, since I was listed on that business as well. Turns out it wasn’t that one, but, her partnership with FF – he hadn’t paid one of the necessary taxes since June of 2012. This set her off like a stick of dynamite.
She was able to get it straightened out since he and the payroll processing company were the responsible parties, but, she sure was mad. In fact, she took a three hour trip to Walmart that night to buy new pants for her job.
I left her alone – no text messages or phone calls – but she sent me several text messages and called several times to let me know what she was doing.
Last night (2/13/13) she made a goofy comment that made no sense. Once she realized it, she said ‘don’t judge me’ and laughed. I told her not to worry, that I don’t judge. She looked at me and said ‘yes you do, you judged the hell out of me when all of those rumors were going around.’ I told her there was some truth in that, and that she did quite a bit of her own judging during that time as well. I also told her I’m not going to start the blame game, that we both made mistakes during this time. I looked her in the eyes and told her that, for my part in all of it, I was very sorry it all happened; this wasn’t the first time I’ve apologized for this. I also told her that I’m not the same person I was then and I wasn’t going to apologize about it forever as it isn't fair to hold it over my head.
She replied back by saying she knows there were other circumstances (I was still a basket case of withdrawal from the meds I had been on) and that I have changed, and that it’s no big deal.
One area where I KNOW she’s picked up on the 180 is the fact that in the past, I would never have let it drop there. I would've asked that if it wasn't a big deal, then why bring it up? Which, that act alone, would've started a fight since one of my chief complaints was always that she'd bring stuff up from the past that pissed her off, but, wouldn't deal with it then. She would keep things bottled up until something small made her blow up like Krakatoa and throw up a bunch of stuff from the past that I didn't even remember.
The only reason I even acknowledged the statement and apologized for it this time was because the only times we discussed it was during heated arguments, where the apology might have been lost or even taken as a token and not like I meant it. This was nothing of the sort; it was more of a joke that elicited a conversation about the past.
She then complained about her feet hurting from the shoes she had to wear at work all day, so I gave her a foot rub. Then she asked me to rub her calves, so I did. This actually put her to sleep. Once she was asleep, I went back to my room.
Now, I know that during an MLC, you’re supposed to not buy gifts, say ILY, etc… However, it being Valentine’s Day, it seemed wrong to not buy the woman I’ve been with for 25 years SOMETHING. So, I got her a card with a penguin on the front, offering a ‘Valentine’s Day Hug’, a small stuffed bear, some Ghirardelli Chocolate and Ferrero Rocher Chocolate. Nothing declaring how much I love her or anything like that was on any of these items. I placed all of these items on the dashboard of her car this morning.
I am happy to say that they were well received – yet I have NO expectation of anything. In text messages, she did thank me and said I wasn’t supposed to do anything since we are short on money. I told her I know, that she was welcome, and that it didn’t seem right to do nothing at all. She told me I sucked, with a winky smiley face.
Again, I have no expectations. I have days when it’s easy to detach and others when I just want to grab her and kiss her like we used to. It’s like walking a tightrope. Going back and reading the stages of MLC, if that’s is really what this is, I can’t really pinpoint what stage she’s in right now, but, I’m making very conscious efforts to not do anything to prolong it. I know there’s nothing I can do to help her out of it…
