I have been reading your thread and trying to learn from all the great advice you are getting. I have not posted to you because I feel you are in great hands with Sandi and others.
And speaking of Sandi, and since you brought it up, I just wanted to post to say I agree that having her helping you out is an amazing gift. You are fortunate for it, and as she said, all of us who are also reading here are benefiting from her POV as well.
I now always try to remind myself of my H's perspective and pain as a WAS based on everything Sandi has shared on these boards. That inside look at my H's pain has been so important for me to keep me grounded and accountable of my own wrong-doings.
So thanks to Sandi and to you Suckerpunch, hang in there. This is a painful process but we can learn so much from it and become better people as a result, and for that, we should be grateful.
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
I have to agree with sandi ( and I also really appreciate her insight, it has helped me tremendously). I actually told my W that I just needed some acknowledgement of whether I should keep trying to work on M. She said "I can't say yes or no. I don't know what to say". After hearing that and reading what sandi posts, that was obviously the wrong thing to say to her. It helps to know that she really doesn't know the answer and I shouldn't be looking for any signs.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
sucker, I can related to your new feelings of ambivalence to your W. I am also starting to not focus my attention on H & am really not interested in what he might be doing. I am also not interested in being around him--the less communication right now, the better for me.
Not sure if it is the time frame (as your W moved out around the same time my H did) or something else, but seems interesting that we are experiencing similar feelings at the 3 month mark.
Good for you on your GAL or HAL's!
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
Ya, and it seems like everyday it is getting stronger. I attribute a little of that to disconnecting. I don't even try to engage my W anymore. For instance, tonight we did a parenting swap. I literally dropped D off, gave her a kiss and was pulling away before W came to the door....wrong?...maybe, but it really helps with detachment. It boils down to 'out of sight, out of mind". If I am not seeing her, hearing her or talking to her, it makes it so much easier to be uninterested. She sent me a few texts after I dropped Da off, trying to be nice and cordial. I understand that. However, I didn't really feel the same, so my reply texts were short and basic. I didn't even reply to her last message, because I had my own things going. It is probably doing NOTHING positive in regards to reconciling the marriage, but it is helping me to focus more on my own life...and that is the main purpose of DBing, so I am going with it for now.
We're all left with Sitch's that we don't want and aren't ideal but DBing gets YOU/US feeling better about ourselves giving us a better platform to work from and to plan our next form of attack at what the future has in store for us.
I'm very similar to you in that I do try and 'get away' before she comes to the door but I don't even think my W does that now. I don't know as I don't look back! Its strange because not seeing my W has helped me detach to the point of almost being dark but now I get butterflies at the thought that I might see her? Blimy the emotions we go thru eh!
M - 37 W - 35 T - 11 M - 5.5 SD13 D10 S4 ILYBINILWY 15 Oct '12 Moved out 7 Dec 12 At present - Being the best dad i can be.
I am not 100% sure how I feel inside, a little numb perhaps, a little resentful too. In one regard, I am adjusting and feeling content. I do still feel very lonely at times. At other times, I am happy in knowing that I am the master of my own ship and have the ability to do with my life what I want.
We're all left with Sitch's that we don't want and aren't ideal but DBing gets YOU/US feeling better about ourselves giving us a better platform to work from and to plan our next form of attack at what the future has in store for us.
[spoiler]That is very insightful. Sandi is awesome!
Now, I will be the first to admit that I am not ready to jump back into our old M. I am sure things would quickly go sideways. We have many issues, on both sides, that we need to work out. I am willing to work slowly in it, stay separated, whatever, with the understanding that it may not work. This is pretty much the situation you are in tallula. You're both on board .I would LOVE to be in your sitch right now, or to just have my wife show ONE sign that she isn't 100% done. That is all I would need. Unfortunately, I am working on myself alone, all alone. I know, DBing is for "ME", and I am working hard towards being a better person. I really am. It just doesn't make it any easier when you know your S isn't putting in any work and shows no signs of returning.
It is just discouraging....today is discouraging. tomorrow WILL BE BETTER...I have to remind myself of that. _________________
________
My H wanted. To know that I was going to put 100 percent effort in working on our M. Well guess what? I was so angry when he made that statement, I almost decided to leave. How dare him say that to me! I was the one who had worked so hard all those decades.......while he did nothing! My god, it was taking all I had just to not get a D, and he expected 100 percent from me? What percent had he given?
WOW! This opens my eyes so much thanks for sharing this sandi2. I said that to my W, now I get it, now I can see how blind I am!
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
