Tired I was wondering that everyday, about my cake eater. He's here in the comfort of home, my shopping, cooking, cleaning and even his laundry. I don't do anything for him personally any more, but like tonight, he's not here after overtime at work. So there is a part of me that just wants to lock the screen door and not let him back in.
I'm not going to do that though because I wouldn't want him to take that as caring, it's my 180 "as if" way of thinking!
There was a time I thought he was taking baby steps until he spewed at me - don't think anything has changed! Try not to look at it from his side or even second guess, these MLCers are tricky!
Protect yourself and take care of your business, remember they are masters at this and have been at it for longer than we know!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Thanks to everyone for all the responses and support!! It really helps me as I continue this lonely journey. Yesterday I as doing tax stuff and had to go back to all our last years bank statements. What an eye opener on all the charges and you can really see what someone has been up to just based on those alone.
Then, I found a box of receipts hidden away. Why he never threw this stuff out is beyond me but going through it I got a very clear and organized picture of the relationship with the OW. Jewelery, outings, trips overnight that I thought were for business. Then, to top it off, as I said all along I believed her to be trashy, I found a 6 pg arrest report that she was arrested last year for theft at a retail location. Really?? This is who he ruined our life and family for? It is so not him. I am so in shock by the entire thing. What a mess!! I may be losing my mind but what was the draw?
Well, just venting again. I didn't really look for this box but it made is all the more real again. Trying to stay focused. He went out all night and came back at 8AM. Said it was because I started an argument. I started the argument after he ran out when I came home yesterday at 3PM and by 9PM with two sick kids and I am on my 14 day straight of working and feel sick myself I texted him asking him where he was. In his mind aparently that is starting an argument.
me-42 H-41 S-12 S-8 M-15 yr f/o bout OW- 11-29-12 H moved out 10-31-13 Filed for divorce 12-27-13 D- 10-21-14
Well, last night my H realized I went through and cleaned out his box of receipts. I left behind all the extremely incriminating ones and he was in a bad mood and furious all night. He was yelling because I went through his stuff but the truth is I know he is really mad bc he knows all the stuff I saw. Why he left it in plain site is beyond me. Then he starts saying I need to get it through my head he doesn't want me anymore and doesn't want to be with me. I didn't argue or answer. I basically ignored him. Then I said calmly that he is yelling at me but he was the one that did this, not me. This morning he had job interview and woke up screaming at me bc he had to get ready. I didn't do his ironing or anything and he won't admit it but he was annoyed that he had to do it. I continued to ignore him then when he was leaving he asked why I look upset. I said nothing and continued with what I was doing. He asked me again. He said I was in a bad mood and moping like my dog just died. I told him that wasn't the case and said goodbye to him. I really hope he gets a job so I can move on from this mess. I don't argue anymore. I know he was angry yesterday because he was well aware that I found hotel receipts, etc. The only thing I did say to him was I know so much about you now more then you even think I know. Didn't mention the arrest report and I hid it away. I'm sure he knows and I won't say anything. If I have to divorce and he tries for custody and they are still together I will need to prove that the environment for my kids is not good with the OW around. I pretty sure he was mad bc he sees it gone but is afraid to mention it.
me-42 H-41 S-12 S-8 M-15 yr f/o bout OW- 11-29-12 H moved out 10-31-13 Filed for divorce 12-27-13 D- 10-21-14
He got caught and he is mad. He knows you are mad. He is scared for what is going to happen. My H did/does the same thing. They don't really know what they want. The OW in our sitch was a mess too. Living with her drunk ex husband, no job, 3 kids. They met in alanon. Nice, huh. He even said at one point that he was her knight in shining armor. I responded that what a shame that a married man lying to his wife and destroying his family was someone's idea of a savior. I'm not the needy type. I'm a strong woman. Today I know that if he needs some needy woman to make him feel like a man, I'm not it. We divorce, I'll have to get a fulltime job to support my kids...and I will. Good luck taking care of 6 kids, buddy. Ha. So far he has ended it with her, but I don't hold my breath that now that we are separated, that they will start up again.
Just know that his choice in OW has nothing to do with you. I'm way better looking than my H's OW. Clearly, I'm also more confident, trustworthy, and generally have a much higher awesome level...hehehe, so do you!! This has everything to do with them and their shortcomings. Just keep focusing on your kids, your 180s and POM. I really am working on me, simply for me. I want to be happy! You are doing great!
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
So I've really come to the conclusion I don't want my H anymore. I don't care if he comes out of the fog. I don't like the person he has become. I don't feel any remorse for what he did to me and I don't see any effort to stay at home and at the very least work on being a good father to his children. I think about all the things I hate him for and it upsets me. I hate him for abandoning his family, I hate him for causing a bulk of the financial problems, I hate him for all the horrible things he said and did to me, I hate him for making another life outside of our home, and I hate him for not trying to make things better.
Last Sat night he went out and didn't come home again until 11AM Sun. The kids constantly tell me what a jerk their father is for doing this. When I ask him where he is he won't say and then when I accuse him of being with the OW he denies and says why do I have to have someone else because I am not home? The thing is, he has been saying that for over a year. Who knows any longer. Then I came home and he told me he was alone at the movies for most the night and then went to his friend's house. The truth is, at this point he can say whatever he wants and I guess it doesn't matter. I don't believe him. Even if he came around, what kind of relationship would we have if I can't believe a word he says. The damage has been done.
He doesn't move out and he has no job. I feel stuck with him there. I no longer look at him and wish he would come around. I've realized that I deserve so much more. My only wish at this point is that one day he sees all the damage he has done and feels sorry for what pain he has caused me.
me-42 H-41 S-12 S-8 M-15 yr f/o bout OW- 11-29-12 H moved out 10-31-13 Filed for divorce 12-27-13 D- 10-21-14
I hear ya. They are tricky. Just when you let your guard down they change again. I wonder if they ever really come back?? My H still insists he not doing anything wrong and thinks I should just take his word on that. When in our entire 18 yrs has he just left all night constantly with no answer or explanation other than when I caught him with an OW? And, I'm supposed to be OK with this? Crazy that their mind just doesn't see how ridiculous that is.
me-42 H-41 S-12 S-8 M-15 yr f/o bout OW- 11-29-12 H moved out 10-31-13 Filed for divorce 12-27-13 D- 10-21-14
Such a depressing Valentines Day!! So sad today. My H came home at 4AM. So tired of this already. You would think he would have the decency at this point to just stop this and wait til he leaves. But, he won't. He told me he was getting me a Valentines Day gift. I really didn't want one and didn't feel that this year it was appropriate but I'm sure it was just another excuse to leave the house and not come home. Who doesn't shop for 12 hours for Vday?? To top it off...the gift was so amazing!! LOL...a waterproof As Seen On TV computer Keyboard from the pharmacy. And, wilty flowers from Walmart. That was it. That was the big present he was out shopping for for the entire night. I felt like crying this morning. I'm not someone that cares about presents but today we will be together for 18 yrs. I just feel like after all he has done he can try a little harder to make things up to me for what he has done to me.
me-42 H-41 S-12 S-8 M-15 yr f/o bout OW- 11-29-12 H moved out 10-31-13 Filed for divorce 12-27-13 D- 10-21-14
I just wanted to say keep trying, I am just starting to feel a tiny bit better about myself and can just start to see a sliver of light that I can be OK and get though my sitch. I wish you happiness for yourself.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Nothing ever changes. In a nutshell, H went out on Sun at 2PM and didn't see him til 7AM. Got in huge argument...why? I don't know why since it is the same every weekend. It upsets me all over again and again every time he does it. He acts like I'm crazy and he is doing nothing wrong. I can't remember a time in 17 years that he would have ever gone out all night and not called. S11 is in therapy and told me yesterday that all his probs are his dad and he been upset bc his dad leaves at night. He also very upset when he wakes and dad is on couch. He doesn't understand why he is doing this and unfortunately I don't either so I'm not much as for support as to explain his behavior. I can't tell them about the OW as much as I want to. H swears it was over with her for a while but I still find it very hard to believe when he leaves and can't provide any suitable alabi. I'm not stupid. Then after the argument he was in a terrible mood and became cruel all day to me. We have since stopped talking. Monday, it was S8 birthday and we spent evening celebrating as family. Some time during the day H got mad over something dumb and starting yelling he hates our house and can't wait to move out and leave all of us. He isn't any nicer to the kids. Unfortunately they don't understand. I told him in private that I spoke with an atty and know I can have him kicked out if I wanted to. He then started threatening me if I do that I will be sorry. He is not a violent person and has never done anything to me. I don't feel scared or worried but it was so out of character for him to even go there. All I want to do at this point is get away. I don't see him trying too hard to find a job. I think he knows once he has a job he has to leave and I will divorce him. He says he doesn't want to be with me and that is what he wants but if that was the case I would think he would try harder to get a job and move. I think he is confused. Fortunately I am no longer confused. I know what I want. I don't want my children in this situation any longer. I need to get them to a healthier environment without the H.
me-42 H-41 S-12 S-8 M-15 yr f/o bout OW- 11-29-12 H moved out 10-31-13 Filed for divorce 12-27-13 D- 10-21-14
My H been home more. Last week for the better part of the week he was home. Still on couch and no changes with us. If anything we are more distant not closer. He said he going to Home Depot Sat and never returned til Sun at 7AM. I had a major meltdown. Crying and saying things I never though would ever come out of my mouth. Later he asked to make up with me. I half didn't buy it becuause he never comes to me to make up and I never feel like he cares anyway. I feel like he is being fake even if he is not. He still has no job and no prospects. I feel like this will never end.
me-42 H-41 S-12 S-8 M-15 yr f/o bout OW- 11-29-12 H moved out 10-31-13 Filed for divorce 12-27-13 D- 10-21-14
